The story of a lonesome ol'Jerome

*Andy’s POV*

“So, if you were in the mood to watch some Black Veil, would you rather watch Legion of the Black, or-“ Gwyn cut me off, she’s just terrible about that!

“Ohmigod Andy! Are you finally putting out a DVD with all your videos on it?” Gwyn looked excited and I groaned. No one has done that for, what, like 10 years?

“No! People just download the videos they want, you know it’s true. But we filmed a live DVD-“ Gwyn cut me off again with an excited squeal. It was hard to be annoyed, she was so excited. It was also uncharacteristically feminine for her, very high in pitch. Bizarre! I chuckled despite myself. “I’ll note that as a positive response.”

I watched Gwyn as I announced the next section. It was my favorite! “We’re getting so close to finished, Doc, only two sections left!” She rolled her eyes. “Next up is the Andy Biersack section, let’s see how you do!”

Gwyn made a horrified face. “What the fuck is this? Quizzing? A Biersack section? I call some bullshit here, motherfucker!”

I calmly tutted her. “Stay tranquil and serene, oh beautiful goddess! I am simply questing, inquiring if you will!” She glanced at me. Ah, she was so saucy!

“A’ight, but first I want to switch out for a new piece of gum, this one has gone to bitch.” Yes! I fetched my woman a new piece of her foul, nicotine-infused gum, and helped her swap out her old one. “Ok, Hot-shot, hit me.”

I paused theatrically. “Finish the sentence for me:” *ahem* “’Turka Mayne ain’t got no hands, so put them…?”

Gwyn glanced at me nervously. “This is like admitting I’m a stalker, Andy.”

I felt a twinge of sympathy, I hadn’t really thought of it like that. Better to make a game of it. I made a noise like a radio buzzer. “Errrrr!!! Your first guess was incorrect, Doc. Luckily, you’re so sexy, you get two!”

Gwyn peeked at me again, then sighed. Reluctantly, she went on, “nubs up in the air and turk-”

“-Ding-ding-ding! That is correct! Nice!” I wrote down, ‘Big winner gets super dicking’ in my notebook.

Gwyn rolled her eyes again. Could she really read from that far away? “Whatever. I have a question for you that’s all Andy-business.” I gestured for her to continue. “When are you going to do more Andy Black stuff? It’s been forever.”

I shook my head. “It’s all a matter of timing. We need to finish up the Black Mass Tour, and then we’re probably heading out on Warped next summer too. So maybe some time after that?” I checked my phone for the next question. “Ok, so, remember to when you were at the show, before you so brutally assaulted the poor, innocent man, forcing me to intervene-“

“-Shut up, rancid dickcheese!” I made a face as Gwyn shoved me with one hand while grinning. I mean, sure, maybe I’d heard somebody call me that before, but how do those things flow so smoothly, so naturally, out of her mouth, all the time? It was incredible! Like some kind of paralytic super power!

“Heh. Right. So, were you going to ask me to sign your tattoo?” I readied the notebook. I figured this would be a good hint as to whether I should offer to do so, wait for her to ask, or never mention it again.

“Uh, no.” No? “I was going to ask if I could get your autograph and use that as a stencil. I’m not terribly keen on showing my back in public. Frankly, showing Marilyn Manson my back was one thing, the idea of showing you was like totally not something on my to-do list.”

I laughed. “Well, you sure fucked that up.” Note to self: wait for Gwyn to ask or opportunity to present itself.

Gwyn snorted. “I have weird, tiny, sloping, little shoulders-“

I raised an eyebrow; that was ridiculous! “I think you mean you’re a woman, Gwyn, so you don’t have huge, broad shoulders.” She conceded the point with a chuckle and a grunt, which made me laugh. “But I get it, I saw that Manson had zero respect for Martin Luther King Jr., I’m sure you were afraid I’d be all like, ‘fuck that, no one disses MLK, and that I’d doodle all over your back or something.’” We both laughed.

Gwyn pointed at me. “I’ve got another one!” I waved her on. “You guys never take a break, what the fuck is up with that? Don’t you ever get tired?”

That was an easy answer, I got asked that a lot. “Sometimes I think I do, maybe even for a few days at a time. But if I try and take a break for more than, max, a few days, I go totally nuts. I just have this internal drive, I always have ideas churning out, and I can’t really put it on hold, I’m always thinking about stuff I want to do. Like, literally, any time I’m not actually talking to someone else, or planning something, the machine is constantly churning, chugging along. I’ll get antsy if I don’t tour to support the last thing we did, if I don’t write down the ideas I have while we’re doing that, I dunno, does that make sense?”

Gwyn made a somber face. “That sounds like it sucks ass.”

I shook my head. “Not really. I like it, I enjoy doing it. It has some aspects that can be difficult, you know, hard to adjust to, but overall, I’m glad. Besides, it’s really rewarding to see your work be well-received or when it's made a difference for someone.”

Gwyn nodded. That would have been such a sweet spot to transition into probing her about her fan fiction, since it had to do with her creative endeavors, but the anal-retentive side of me wouldn’t allow me to go out of order. Some habits could be hard to break. I wanted to make a silly face at Gwyn for the next question, but she was driving. Sometimes, it was rough, trying to be the center of attention, when the person who’s notice you craved really needed to keep aforementioned attention on the road. Hmph.

“So… All my devoted fangirls have one, you must too, Doc. What’s your favorite Andy hairstyle?” Gwyn snorted loudly before laughing like a biker. I was impressed.

“Are you butt-fucking serious?” I liked seeing her smile, Biersack for the win!

“Don’t play me, woman! I can tell you have one; you reek of it! What is it?” Gwyn said nothing, but she hesitated too long, confirming my suspicions. “See! I knew it, you secretly have a ‘favorite Andy-“

“-Whoa, what the fuck!” Gwyn was laughing again. “Let’s start with any picture of you where you’re fucking legal, how about that, Hot-shot, shit, because this motherfucker doesn’t want to go to jail!”

I snapped my fingers at her and held my hand up to my ear. “Why on Earth are you asking? I like the way you look right now! Obviously, you're a fox!" I wouldn't be swayed by her compliments- I wanted to know! I steeled myself against her sexy feminine wiles!

"Do whatever you like! I have always liked it when you did what made you happy, I don’t care if your hair is blonde or red or motherfucking green! Or if it’s short or long, dude, everyone looks best when they are genuinely happy. I feel like everyone looks best when they feel like their outside is best reflecting their inner self.”

I let a theatrical pause ensue. “Nice speech. But you are so full of shit. Tell me your secret favorite. I bet you’ve got it on your phone or some shit-“

Gwyn blushed. Bingo. “-You’re awful! The my little pony hair, ok? Happy? So what? You don’t see me asking you about my motherfucking hair-“

Feeling impudent, I started up, “-I like it when it’s-“

I got a reaction instantly.“-This motherfucker gives not a shit what you like! You have zero say! I’m a professional! I can’t do what I want with my hair, I’m a veterinarian, so this is the way it stays! Comprende, Biersack?”

I grinned. Gwyn was so cute when she was all riled up, and not exactly angry, but kind of fuming over nothing. It made me wish she was naked. Even more so than usual. “Sensitive, are we? Do we have pony envy?”

“Argh! Next fucking question, you infuriating dildis!” Gwyn was trying not to smile. I wondered what exactly a 'dildis' was, but knew better than to ask while she was driving.

“Ok, is there anything about me you find really unattractive?” Gwyn made a disgusted face. Man, she was incredibly expressive. Kind of like a sexy Jim Carrey. Uh, but not a man. Not. a. man.

“This section is the worst section ever, Andy! How the fuck did you come up with these questions? Why are you asking them?” You would have thought I’d asked her if she would prefer to save her mother or father in a life or death situation or something from the look on her face.

I shrugged. “Because I felt like if it was something weird and simple I could deal with it. If it’s like, my entire face, we might have a problem.”

That got a laugh. “Are you kidding? Have you looked in the mirror, Hot-shot? I'm surprised Leatherface hasn't come for you yet!” We both chuckled.

Gwyn thought for a moment. “Oooh, no, I thought of something!” I readied my notebook. “Don’t get excited, it doesn’t make any difference. I can’t stand facial hair on anyone. It’s not gender specific. I can’t stand it on guys, girls, or me, for that matter.” You? Uh… Girls weren’t supposed to admit that... “Every time I see it, I think of my dad. So if someone has it, it’s like, it’s just not happening. The other thing that used to be a deal-breaker is pit hair. I’ve just had to learn to accept it, because men just can’t be trained to shave. They just associate their hairiness with their masculinity, it’s disgusting.” Gwyn shivered, looking grossed out.

Pit hair? Was she saying she wanted me to- “No, Andy, I don’t mean I want you to start shaving. You’re a famous person, you get photographed all the time, you do modeling and shit, it would affect your career. So you do whatever the fuck you want. I am not comfortable with people changing things about themselves for me, basically ever. But you asked, and those are the two things that I don’t relish on anyone. Do me a favor and DON’T answer that question about me, please?”

“I think you need to accept that you’re beautiful as a whole. Speaking of your beauty-“ Gwyn snorted at me, “-I imagine you’ve heard of the whole Dennis Westower thing. What’s your porn star name?”

She groaned. “Going with the classical rule of first pet's name and the road you grew up on, it’s 'Celeste 12 Street.'” I chuckled, that really sucked. “Not exactly as awesome as yours, eh? What’s next? Hopefully not a lot, we’re almost to Tacoma.”

“Nope, this is the last one for this section! So, for whenever you let me officially drop the bomb that we’re dating, you know how fans came up with ‘Andliet’ for-“

Gwyn started protesting and groaning like a dying lawnmower. “I hate that shit! I’m not a musician, people only do that shit when both people are famous, Andy! I’m a veterinarian, shit, I'm not even boarded! I don’t like being photographed-“

I ignored her, “-'Andwyn' makes us sound like such willowy flowers-“

Gwyn made a sound sort of like the rancor from Star Wars belching, and I chortled.“-'Gwyndy' makes us sound like delicate, little pixies-“

Gwyn broke and finally started laughing. “Oh my god! No! I cannot abide by that kind of shit! You can be a delicate little flower all you please, but I am way too staunch a motherfucker for that kind of fuckery." She paused, chewing her lip. "I say we call it ‘The Fuckening.’”

I laughed. “Perfect! I’ll text Blasko and have him issue a Press Release tonight to the Washington State Veterinary-“

“Shut up, Hot-shot!” Gwyn shoved me as we both laughed, passing the first sign for Tacoma.

Notes

QOTD (special edition):

1. would you rather watch Legion of the Black or Alive and Burning? have you seen them both? do you own either?

(would I rather have a burrito or thai food? it depends on what i'm in the mood for. i have seen them both and i own them both, legally, via the ultimate version of wretched and divine and the dvd version of a & b.)

2. tell me, bruh. who is Turka Mayne?

(i could, but i'd just ruin it for everybody else.)

3. When is Andy Black's first single from his debut album getting released?
(We Don't have to Dance is coming out on the 18th. Hit up Andy Black's Youtube channel for a preview of 15 seconds of the chorus, which is awesome, IMHO. You're welcome, dudes.)

4. Is Andy Black going to cause BVB to break up?
(No, it's a side project, Andy's been really clear about this, he's answered this over and over and over. Please never ask this irritating question ever again.)

5. Are BVB going to Warped this year (2016)?
(No.)

6. Anyone have any tattoos of inked signatures (musician or not?)
(No, though hopefully I will soon-ish. I have M & G tickets to see Manson later this year and plan to ask his permission to use it for that.)

7. You have a favorite Andy hair?

(Gotta agree with Gwyn- the MLP hair for the win, that pony had some kick, but they all look good, right?)

8. If you'd like, tell me your porn star name (you can use the formula of your first pet and the road you grew up on or something different)
(I'll pass man)