Now Remembered. But For How Long?
So This Is It
TRIGGER WARNING! Talk about suicide and self harm. Please read at your own risk. I love you all and please read the author's notes.
*Juni's POV*
After CC said Jazzy committed suicide, I got up and left. I was going to walk to her house. Even though it would take a few hours because we were still in Ohio but we were in a different city than last night. I was about half a mile away when I heard faint steps. It sounded like Jake. I looked back and there was Jake trying to catch up to me.
"What do you want Jake?" I snapped.
"I'm going with you. I don't care if you don't want me to. I'm staying because I'm not losing you again."
"I wasn't going to do that. I was walking to Jazzy's house. Alone. I'd like to keep it that way." I picked up my pace a bit so I could be alone. I didn't think Jazzy was really dead. It hadn't hit me yet. Have you ever found out someone close to you dies and you don't really realize it until you really see them? Yeah, that's how I am right now.
"That sucks because I refuse to leave you alone." Jake walked next to me. I rolled my eyes. I just want to be alone.
"Why can't I just walk to Jazzy's alone? I'm twenty two not five." I turned around to look at Jake.
"Because I know what you're capable of. You say one thing but you do another."
"Fine."
"Good. come here." I walked over to Jake and he gave me a hug. I guess it was sweet that Jake wanted to make sure I was okay. I mean, he is my brother and after yesterday I see where he's coming from.
I'm about 5'7" and Jake is a good 5'11". He's the same height as 17 year old Andy.
"You do know you're the same height as Andy from five years ago right?"
"Yes Junipie I know. And you know you're the same height as me from five years ago."
"Whatever. Bet that means in the five years we've been together you've only grown four inches. ha!"
"You've only grown two and a half."
"Shut up.
"you started it."
"No!"
"yes"
"no"
"yes you did you started it by saying I was the same height as Andy from five years ago."
"go bite yourself in the ass."
"I can't reach my ass. But you can"
"You're fucking nasty."
"But not as nasty as Ashley.
"True."
"What were we even talking about?"
"I don't know but I'm hopping on your back."
"Why?"
"Because you’re here and I don't feel like walking."
"Whatever lazy ass." We walked for about two hours before we got to Jazzy's. Her parents were sitting at the curb with their heads hung low.
"Mr. and Mrs. Fields?" I spoke up. They shot their heads up and hugged me and Jake.
"Juni thank god you're here. Jazmine left this letter for you and the boys to read. There was a mini box too." I took the letter and Jake took the box. And yes her parents spelled Jazmine's name with a 'z'. I opened the letter and my pick from my old acoustic fell out. I got the pick from Mom when I was 6. I lost it but never found. Jazzy must've had it. I read the letter. It said:
To: Juni, Sammi and the Boys.
I'm sorry you got this letter. I was so happy when I came home from the concert. It's just Alex texted me and broke up with me because he found a 'hotter bitch to fuck.' he said that I was a piece of shit and was no good. not to mention I got lots of hate from Jessie from school. that bitch still hasn't stopped bullying me. CC I'm sorry I didn't stay strong. but I promise you that I won't stop loving your music even after I'm dead. I wish I got more time to hang out with you guys. And Juni, this is the same Alex that used Sammi. I need you to get my phone and laptop. They have things for you to read. And I found your acoustic pick under my bed last night. After about 10 years I finally found it. haha. I wish I got to stay longer but I guess it was my time. Love, Jazmine "Jazzy" Fields <3
So this was it. Jazzy is really gone. I put the pick in my pocket. I walked over to her parents and asked to go into Jazmine's room to get what she wanted me to get. They gave me the okay and said take anything else I wanted.
I remembered the mini box Jazzy left. I opened it and I saw a seven chain necklaces. Three had real guitar picks hanging off of them. One had a mini keyboard on it. Another had drumsticks. One had a microphone. The last one had a music note hanging off of it with my name on it. Sammi's name was on the keyboard, Andy's was on the microphone, CC's was the drumsticks, Jake, Jinxx, and Ashley had their names printed on their picks. How Jazzy managed to get all of this done is beyond me. It's just really sweet that she got these.
"Jake… This is from Jazzy." I handed him his chain.
I walked into the house and opened Jazzy's door to her room. Her laptop was on top of her bed. It was on with her phone plugged into it. I found the laptop case and put the laptop in it with its charger. I shoved her phone into my pocket and brought the charger. Her purple dinosaur backpack was on the floor by her dresser. I grabbed it and went to her dresser. I grabbed her golden treble cleft necklace, her oversized wolf sweater, her only pair of red knee highs and the photo album me and Jazzy made with photos of us in it. Then I noticed Jazzy's instruments. She had an acoustic guitar and drumsticks. I immediately took them and headed out the door.
"Let's go." I looked into Jazzy's one last time and took a mental picture. I'm going to miss her so much.
I shut her door and thanked her parents and told them we were really sorry for the loss of Jazmine. Jake and I walked back to the bus. We got back at around 6:30 an hour before sound check. I went to Jake's bunk and tossed Jazzy's bag in it and put the instruments in the back room. I went into Jake's bunk and just laid there. Jake came in and asked me to go to sound check but I wasn't in the mood. I gave him the necklaces so he could give them to everyone. I had already put mine on.
"are you sure? I don't want to leave you and come back to see something bad."
"Jake I'm fine. please let me sleep. I'm not in the mood to argue."
“Juni please just stay for the show.”
“Jake I seriously can’t see myself moving right now. I just need sleep.” He sighed.
"I love you. I'll be back by midnight the latest."
"love you too." Sammi went with the boys so I was all alone in the bus. I knew that they wouldn't be back till 3 am because there are only 3 more shows after this one. And the guys like to celebrate A LOT more after their last show. Jinxx has to get the ring when tour ends because they'll be too hung over to pick a good ring if he gets its now.
I got out of the bunk and put Jazzy's sweater on and put my sweats on with my running sneakers just in case I need to make a quick escape. All of a sudden my demons took over my mind as I sat on the floor.
*COULD BE TRIGGERING*
You worthless bitch.
You whore. I hope dad goes back to being a drunk.
hahaha you got lucky last time. but you better watch out. there's no return after this.
I wouldn't go outside if I were you. you'll worry your precious Jake and get him killed.
Go make a tiny cut. It's okay. You need to release the pain of Jazmine's death.
"No. I promised."
you should be dead. Always remember that.
You burden. Andy never loved you. You were just his charity case.
Ashley should've let you die. No one cares for you anymore. You're a waste of space now
"Get the fuck out of MY MIND!!" I punched a hole on the bus wall. Those fucking demons won't go away. I ran to the bathroom and looked into the mirror. I ripped off Jazzy's sweater and shoved it into Jake's bunk. My mind went black as my demons kept yelling at me and took over my body's control.
First your mom, then Jazzy and now you. What a shame.
Wait till Jake sees what you did. He'll definitely hate you now. you fucking liar.
well, well, well. Looks like Daddy Jinxx isn't here to save you now.
Run Juniper. Run before Jake sees you.
Why are you so fat? No one likes a fat ass cow.
"NOOOOOO!" I screamed hoping they would go away. Please, I hope I didn't do what I think I did.
Jake doesn't love you. Everyone's been lying to you.
You were never loved. You’ll never be loved.
That was the last thing I heard before the cold air hit my skin. I saw the venue flash before my eyes and my phone buzzed. It was Jake. He sent me a text.
Juni, I hope you're feeling better I'm about to go on. I love you. I'll be back to check on you right after the show's over. ~ Jacklepuff
I ran past the venue and into the cold street. I don't know where I'm going. I have no control of my body. My demons are my mind now. Sad, but true. I saw my arms and gasped. All the way up to my shoulders were red lines with blood trickling down. The words Hate, Love, Death, Guilt, and Burden were etched into my skin. Death being the deepest. I don't think I got very far before I collapsed. So this is it. I'm going to die for real this time. Tears poured down my cheeks. I've just destroyed everything I had and could've had. I looked up and saw I was in the parking lot of some building. My vision blurred about an hour later. I guess my body adapted to survival against death after my attempt. My phone buzzed again. I got a call but I couldn't make out the name. I hit the answer button.
"Juni. Where are you?" Why aren't you on the bus? Jake told me to get you since he needed to check something." That voice was familiar. I couldn't speak. All I could do was sniffle.
"Juniper Pitts! Where the fuck are you?" It was Ashley.
"I-I.." I was losing consciousness fast. I needed to get help before shit go worse.
"Park.. Lot.. Track.. Phone..Now.. Don't.. Tell.. Jake.. Love you all." those were the last words I could say before the phone fell out of my hand. Ashley screamed and I passed out.
*Juni's POV*
After CC said Jazzy committed suicide, I got up and left. I was going to walk to her house. Even though it would take a few hours because we were still in Ohio but we were in a different city than last night. I was about half a mile away when I heard faint steps. It sounded like Jake. I looked back and there was Jake trying to catch up to me.
"What do you want Jake?" I snapped.
"I'm going with you. I don't care if you don't want me to. I'm staying because I'm not losing you again."
"I wasn't going to do that. I was walking to Jazzy's house. Alone. I'd like to keep it that way." I picked up my pace a bit so I could be alone. I didn't think Jazzy was really dead. It hadn't hit me yet. Have you ever found out someone close to you dies and you don't really realize it until you really see them? Yeah, that's how I am right now.
"That sucks because I refuse to leave you alone." Jake walked next to me. I rolled my eyes. I just want to be alone.
"Why can't I just walk to Jazzy's alone? I'm twenty two not five." I turned around to look at Jake.
"Because I know what you're capable of. You say one thing but you do another."
"Fine."
"Good. come here." I walked over to Jake and he gave me a hug. I guess it was sweet that Jake wanted to make sure I was okay. I mean, he is my brother and after yesterday I see where he's coming from.
I'm about 5'7" and Jake is a good 5'11". He's the same height as 17 year old Andy.
"You do know you're the same height as Andy from five years ago right?"
"Yes Junipie I know. And you know you're the same height as me from five years ago."
"Whatever. Bet that means in the five years we've been together you've only grown four inches. ha!"
"You've only grown two and a half."
"Shut up.
"you started it."
"No!"
"yes"
"no"
"yes you did you started it by saying I was the same height as Andy from five years ago."
"go bite yourself in the ass."
"I can't reach my ass. But you can"
"You're fucking nasty."
"But not as nasty as Ashley.
"True."
"What were we even talking about?"
"I don't know but I'm hopping on your back."
"Why?"
"Because you’re here and I don't feel like walking."
"Whatever lazy ass." We walked for about two hours before we got to Jazzy's. Her parents were sitting at the curb with their heads hung low.
"Mr. and Mrs. Fields?" I spoke up. They shot their heads up and hugged me and Jake.
"Juni thank god you're here. Jazmine left this letter for you and the boys to read. There was a mini box too." I took the letter and Jake took the box. And yes her parents spelled Jazmine's name with a 'z'. I opened the letter and my pick from my old acoustic fell out. I got the pick from Mom when I was 6. I lost it but never found. Jazzy must've had it. I read the letter. It said:
To: Juni, Sammi and the Boys.
I'm sorry you got this letter. I was so happy when I came home from the concert. It's just Alex texted me and broke up with me because he found a 'hotter bitch to fuck.' he said that I was a piece of shit and was no good. not to mention I got lots of hate from Jessie from school. that bitch still hasn't stopped bullying me. CC I'm sorry I didn't stay strong. but I promise you that I won't stop loving your music even after I'm dead. I wish I got more time to hang out with you guys. And Juni, this is the same Alex that used Sammi. I need you to get my phone and laptop. They have things for you to read. And I found your acoustic pick under my bed last night. After about 10 years I finally found it. haha. I wish I got to stay longer but I guess it was my time. Love, Jazmine "Jazzy" Fields <3
So this was it. Jazzy is really gone. I put the pick in my pocket. I walked over to her parents and asked to go into Jazmine's room to get what she wanted me to get. They gave me the okay and said take anything else I wanted.
I remembered the mini box Jazzy left. I opened it and I saw a seven chain necklaces. Three had real guitar picks hanging off of them. One had a mini keyboard on it. Another had drumsticks. One had a microphone. The last one had a music note hanging off of it with my name on it. Sammi's name was on the keyboard, Andy's was on the microphone, CC's was the drumsticks, Jake, Jinxx, and Ashley had their names printed on their picks. How Jazzy managed to get all of this done is beyond me. It's just really sweet that she got these.
"Jake… This is from Jazzy." I handed him his chain.
I walked into the house and opened Jazzy's door to her room. Her laptop was on top of her bed. It was on with her phone plugged into it. I found the laptop case and put the laptop in it with its charger. I shoved her phone into my pocket and brought the charger. Her purple dinosaur backpack was on the floor by her dresser. I grabbed it and went to her dresser. I grabbed her golden treble cleft necklace, her oversized wolf sweater, her only pair of red knee highs and the photo album me and Jazzy made with photos of us in it. Then I noticed Jazzy's instruments. She had an acoustic guitar and drumsticks. I immediately took them and headed out the door.
"Let's go." I looked into Jazzy's one last time and took a mental picture. I'm going to miss her so much.
I shut her door and thanked her parents and told them we were really sorry for the loss of Jazmine. Jake and I walked back to the bus. We got back at around 6:30 an hour before sound check. I went to Jake's bunk and tossed Jazzy's bag in it and put the instruments in the back room. I went into Jake's bunk and just laid there. Jake came in and asked me to go to sound check but I wasn't in the mood. I gave him the necklaces so he could give them to everyone. I had already put mine on.
"are you sure? I don't want to leave you and come back to see something bad."
"Jake I'm fine. please let me sleep. I'm not in the mood to argue."
“Juni please just stay for the show.”
“Jake I seriously can’t see myself moving right now. I just need sleep.” He sighed.
"I love you. I'll be back by midnight the latest."
"love you too." Sammi went with the boys so I was all alone in the bus. I knew that they wouldn't be back till 3 am because there are only 3 more shows after this one. And the guys like to celebrate A LOT more after their last show. Jinxx has to get the ring when tour ends because they'll be too hung over to pick a good ring if he gets its now.
I got out of the bunk and put Jazzy's sweater on and put my sweats on with my running sneakers just in case I need to make a quick escape. All of a sudden my demons took over my mind as I sat on the floor.
*COULD BE TRIGGERING*
You worthless bitch.
You whore. I hope dad goes back to being a drunk.
hahaha you got lucky last time. but you better watch out. there's no return after this.
I wouldn't go outside if I were you. you'll worry your precious Jake and get him killed.
Go make a tiny cut. It's okay. You need to release the pain of Jazmine's death.
"No. I promised."
you should be dead. Always remember that.
You burden. Andy never loved you. You were just his charity case.
Ashley should've let you die. No one cares for you anymore. You're a waste of space now
"Get the fuck out of MY MIND!!" I punched a hole on the bus wall. Those fucking demons won't go away. I ran to the bathroom and looked into the mirror. I ripped off Jazzy's sweater and shoved it into Jake's bunk. My mind went black as my demons kept yelling at me and took over my body's control.
First your mom, then Jazzy and now you. What a shame.
Wait till Jake sees what you did. He'll definitely hate you now. you fucking liar.
well, well, well. Looks like Daddy Jinxx isn't here to save you now.
Run Juniper. Run before Jake sees you.
Why are you so fat? No one likes a fat ass cow.
"NOOOOOO!" I screamed hoping they would go away. Please, I hope I didn't do what I think I did.
Jake doesn't love you. Everyone's been lying to you.
You were never loved. You’ll never be loved.
That was the last thing I heard before the cold air hit my skin. I saw the venue flash before my eyes and my phone buzzed. It was Jake. He sent me a text.
Juni, I hope you're feeling better I'm about to go on. I love you. I'll be back to check on you right after the show's over. ~ Jacklepuff
I ran past the venue and into the cold street. I don't know where I'm going. I have no control of my body. My demons are my mind now. Sad, but true. I saw my arms and gasped. All the way up to my shoulders were red lines with blood trickling down. The words Hate, Love, Death, Guilt, and Burden were etched into my skin. Death being the deepest. I don't think I got very far before I collapsed. So this is it. I'm going to die for real this time. Tears poured down my cheeks. I've just destroyed everything I had and could've had. I looked up and saw I was in the parking lot of some building. My vision blurred about an hour later. I guess my body adapted to survival against death after my attempt. My phone buzzed again. I got a call but I couldn't make out the name. I hit the answer button.
"Juni. Where are you?" Why aren't you on the bus? Jake told me to get you since he needed to check something." That voice was familiar. I couldn't speak. All I could do was sniffle.
"Juniper Pitts! Where the fuck are you?" It was Ashley.
"I-I.." I was losing consciousness fast. I needed to get help before shit go worse.
"Park.. Lot.. Track.. Phone..Now.. Don't.. Tell.. Jake.. Love you all." those were the last words I could say before the phone fell out of my hand. Ashley screamed and I passed out.
Notes
Sorry for not updating the other day. I got busy with family and shit happened.I'm sorry about Juni!!!!!! i needed to write it. please don't hate me.. It just came to mind and i wrote it all out. *cowers behind my best friend* It WILL get interesting though. So please keep reading.. I love you all BVB Army <3
Oh and if you feel like you're not good enough or if you think you should relapse or end it all, PLEASE talk to me. I'm always here. My twitter is @Sing_Coffin tweet me saying you read my story and i'll follow you and you can DM me.
My email is adrianafergusonpreciado@gmail.com Just title the email : Nobody's Hero or a title that describes your email.
I love everyone whose stuck by when i update late and who comment and in general everyone whose subscribed and is reading my story. :)
~Wolf Tiger <3
:)
9/7/13