The Cost Of Winning

FIANNA'S POV :

Excuse me ??

Did I just hear what I thought I heard ?

I look at Ashley , and see that his expression is completely serious , while I'm sure that mine is completely perplexed . And apparently , I'm right , because he actually cracks a small half - smile and says , "I remember that look , Fi . That's how you always looked when you weren't sure if somebody was joking with you . And no , I'm not ."

"But ..."

"Fianna , you were going to need to have somebody around to help out anyway , so it might as well be me , don't you think ? Brenna already has her own room at my house , and you're more than welcome to the guest room . You can stay there until you recover and can look for a better job , because you're not going to get better if you're stressing about everything ." , he says .

"But you're supposed to be working on the new album , you need to be back in LA ." , I remind him .

"There's no way in hell I'm going anywhere until I'm sure everything's okay ." , he replies . "They can work around me , or I can send them my tracks , or whatever , I don't really give a fuck . Unless you'd rather stay with Miki and Ryan , or something ."

When he says this , I have to acknowledge exactly how limited my options actually are . There's no way I'm going to shove that much work onto Miki , with her being pregnant , and there's not really anybody else I could ask . Plus , if I lose my place , Ash would be well within his rights to go back to court and re - file for custody . I hope we've moved past that sort of thing , but I don't suppose I could really blame him if he did . So it looks like I've wound up right back where I started ; sharing space with someone who doesn't really want me there .

"No , she's got enough on her plate right now , with the baby and all ." , I tell him . "So if you're sure it's okay , then I guess we'll stay there . Thanks ."

"If it wasn't okay , I wouldn't have offered . Now why don't you get yourself buckled in , since we have a stop to make before we go back to the hospital ." , he informs me . "I promised Bren that I'd bring her some coloring books and crayons , so I need to run over to the toy store . Do you want to come with , or wait in the car ?"

"If you go to the one down the street here , I think I'll run into the bookstore next door , and grab something to read while I'm stuck in bed ." , I say .

"Good idea ! So why don't you help me find some stuff for her , then we can both go over there . I should probably find something myself , since I'm not leaving until you guys do ."

So he starts the car , and I attempt to put my face back together while he drives down the street to the shopping center . We go to the toy store , and he gets the biggest box of crayons that they have , along with half - a - dozen coloring books , making sure to get the ones with the perforated pages , and a couple of small games . When we get to the checkout , I find out that he's also bought each of us a little handheld electronic game , with something like 200 different games on it . I ask him why , and he says that he thought we might want something to do besides read or watch TV , so I remind him that we're going to need batteries , so he grabs several packs off the rack .

We then go to the bookstore , and I grab a couple of mysteries , along with a book of haunted - house stories and a couple of little books to read to Smidge at bedtime , and Ash finds a couple of things for himself , then we head back .

We get back to the hospital , and when we walk into the room , Andy and Blasko are both on the phone , Jake is just coming out of the bathroom , and Jinxx and CC are trying to get Bren to eat her lunch . When she sees us , she says , "Mommy , Daddy , tells them me don'ts wants motemeal for wunch . Me wants some maccy cheese !"

"Bren , you can't have mac and cheese until they fix your tummy ." , I tell her . "You need to be a good girl and eat your oatmeal , or you're going to be hungry later ."

"And if you don't eat your lunch , the doctor might not let Ivy come to see you ." , Ashley adds , and she immediately opens her mouth , and CC feeds her a spoonful .

We unload the bags , and when Bren finishes eating , Ash puts the crayons and coloring books in front of her , and she starts looking through them to decide what she wants to color first . As she does this , Ash looks at me and inquires , "Did you actually understand anything your little friend said to that douchebag before everybody walked out ? What language was that , anyway ?"

I giggle , and tell him , "She's from the Phillippines , she was speaking Tagalog . And she taught some of us a few words , so I understood bits of it . But if I tell you what she said , I'm gonna end up owing Bren probably three or four bucks ."

"That's pretty much what I thought ." , he chuckles . Everyone else looks confused , so he tells them what happened with Milt , and they all agree with his reaction .

Dr . Abernathy walks in to check on Brenna , and suggests that I go down to the desk and actually get checked in , and as I start to walk out the door , he says . "Actually , you might want to grab yourself some lunch first , because neither of you are going to be able to eat after six o'clock tonight ."

Ash hears this , and says , "Go ahead and go grab something , Fi , I'll hang out and color with Brenna . Then , when you get back , I'll get something with the guys , and we can get everything organized ."

So I go outside , and see that there's a Steak 'n' Shake down the street , so I go there and order a bacon cheeseburger , with fries and an orange shake , and head back to the hospital after I finish . I go to the desk and get checked in , then go back to the room .

"Mommy , me maked yous a umicorn !" , Bren exclaims as I walk in ,waving one of her coloring books at me . "And me use yous goodest color , too !"

I walk over and see a pink unicorn , with it's horn colored in gold crayon . "Thank you , sweetie , that's very pretty ." , I tell her , giving her a kiss on the end of her nose . "Did you color some pictures for your uncles ?"

"No , but me wills does it now !" , she answers , and starts searching through the books , and asking all of the guys what their "goodest color" is .

Ash and the guys all head out to lunch , and I turn on the TV and find the station that shows old sitcoms , and decide to watch some of those while Smidge colors . I get through "WKRP in Cincinatti" , "The Nanny" , and most of "The Facts of Life" , before Ash and the guys get back . When they come in , Bren has Ash help her take the pictures she's colored out of the books , and she gives them to the guys . They thank her and give her hugs , and then after a few minutes , they head back to Ashley's house .

He tells me that they're going to hang around until after the surgery , and then they'll head back to LA , and get back to work in the studio . He says that he got a couple of his tracks done , and that if they need to , they can have Jake do some until he can get back . He then looks at Bren , and asks , "Did you tell her yet ?"

"Not yet , I figured I'd wait 'til you got back ." , I answer . We go sit on either side of her bed , and ask her to put down her crayons for a minute .

She puts them on the table , and gives us a slightly confused look . After a second , Ash says , "Do you remember what we talked about ? How Mommy is going to share parts with you , so you'll feel better ?"

She nods , and I say , "Like Daddy told you , when we wake up , we're both going to have an owie on our tummies , and we'll have to stay in bed for a little while until it gets better , so Daddy is going to help us ."

"That's right , and you and Mommy are going to come and live at my house until you feel better . Is that all right with you , cutie ?"

"So me cans be seepin in mines pwetty lello room , and Daddy cans sees me evvy day ?" , she asks .

"That's right , Bren ." , I reply . "Daddy will fix your breakfast , and all those sorts of things , until our tummies get better ."

"Yay ! Me cans sees Mommy and Daddy wots , and me don'ts has to just talks to Daddy on yous phone . When we cans go ?"

"The doctor will fix you up tomorrow , and then you'll have to stay here for a little while to make sure everything works right ." , Ash says . "So it will probably be next week before we can go home ."

This is not what she wants to hear , and she has a small tantrum , because she doesn't want to be here . We finally get her to settle down , and Ash calls Jeff , and tells him what's happening , so he can explain it to Ivy . Brenna cheers up a bit when they let her talk to Ivy for a couple of minutes . Then , when Dr . Abernathy comes back by , Ash takes him aside and fills him in on the situation with Ivy's mom , and asks if there's any way that they might be able to bend the rules a little , and let her come visit . He says that it isn't up to him , but he'll talk to the Chief of Staff and let us know .

After he leaves , I go take a shower and get back into my pajamas , and we watch TV and play some games until dinner , with Bren going on the entire time about how happy she is that we're going to be living with Ashley .

Hopefully , I'm doing a good enough job of responding to her that neither of them can see that I'm can't really share her enthusiasm . I know he adores her , and he'd be happy to have her there forever , but since I'm also part of the package now , I need to do everything I can to recuperate as fast as possible , so I can get out of his way and he can have his space again .

Plus , I don't know how long I can stand to be there , knowing that he's just down the hall , and that no matter how much I might want to , I won't be able to wake up in his arms like I used to .

I know that he doesn't want me anymore , and hasn't for awhile , and I almost had myself convinced that I felt the same way . Almost .

I wish I could do a better job of lying to myself .

Notes