A Demon's Bargain

I hung up, and didn’t have time for any further explanations for (Y/N) before Father arrived. I chuckled at his appearance, but (Y/N) yanked urgently my arm. Oh dear, it seemed I really should have been slightly less impulsive and clarified a few things in advance.

(Y/N) sounded furious! “Andy! You’ve kidnapped Jack Nicholson! What have you done!? Holy shit, I’m going to go to prison-“

“-(Y/N), that’s my Father-“ How was I to know she was a big fan of The Witches of Eastwick? Most people have really pretty ordinary fare in terms of satanic concepts. I hadn’t figured on a celebrity!

“-Jack Nicholson is your father?” I shook my head but (Y/N) wasn’t really looking. “Jesus!” (Y/N) pointed at my now less-pleased looking Father. I winced. She just had to bring him up? I had terrible luck! “You mean Jack Nicholson really is the devil? Oh my God-“

I was stricken dumb with horror. The woman who I treasured above all else had not only just mentioned the J-man in front of Lucifer, she mentioned the All-Father! I felt dizzy, like I was going to pass out. I sat down, overwhelmed and totally nauseated. I was afraid I was going to have to fight my own creator in a pathetic attempt to defend (Y/N). We would both inevitably be slaughtered-

Father interrupted my thoughts. “-Now, now, no need to draw any attention from either of the aforementioned, young lady. Allow me to explain, if I may?”

He must have done something, as (Y/N) just nodded complacently. That immediately irritated me. (Y/N) was MINE, I didn’t want ANYONE, not even Satan himself, touching her, messing with her head, having anything to do with her-

“Generally, around humans, if he or she has a preconceived impression of how I, the Devil, or what have you, should look, I will do my best to accommodate. As you can imagine, it works best in one-on-one interactions. You just happen to have retained the image of Jack Nicholson from The Witches of Eastwick rather strongly. It was that or Tim Curry from Legend, and that was just too much razzle dazzle.” He cleared his throat. “Now, if you will excuse us, miss, I need to talk to Andy for a moment.” (Y/N) nodded dully and left the room.

I had to watch my temper. I didn’t want to wreck (Y/N)’s apartment. Still, quick as a flash, I was up and towering above Jack Nicholson-Satan with smoke oozing from my nostrils. “Don’t you dare touch her! She’s MINE! What have you done to-“

Mephistopheles snorted and grew a few inches, now just looking like my Father, Chris, though I never called him that. He put a hand on my shoulder. “Easy, Andy, easy. I’ve just helped her stay calm, so that we can talk, that’s all. Nothing permanent, I promise. Sit down again. Tell me what’s going on.”

I hesitated for moment. Telling the Ruler of the Underworld of my failures would be everything I had ever tried to avoid my entire life. The Dark Lord had always told me he thought of me not just as one of his many thousands of spawn, but as though I were a real son, that he held me in special favor. If I told him the many ways I had failed, and he disapproved, my life was forfeit.

I looked down at my hands as I wavered in my conviction. I enjoyed being the best at what I did. Always being the first of my kind, already an extremely elite group, getting to pick and choose the prey I fed from. I liked ultimate freedom over whom I added to my collection, which women I decided to make mine, to own and virtually destroy. Only the most beautiful, the most delicious, signed my contracts, because I had been unsurpassed among a group of the already exclusive.

And the benefits in my downtime… the many women that came from far and wide, throughout the Underworld, to beg for my attentions. How fine it had been to turn the vast majority of them away. To subject only the most magnificent specimens to whatever I wanted!

Could I really tell Beelzebub that I had failed in every way? That I was near death? I would be relying wholly on his mercy. My formerly spotless record would not just be blemished, it would be destroyed.

But then, I caught a glimpse of the rose (Y/N) had given me out of the corner of my eye. I felt something as I turned to look at it, something that was almost physically painful, a tightness in my chest. Perhaps the waffles from earlier? But I knew then, without question, that any chance at gaining (Y/N)’s affections was better than giving up now.

I turned to face my Father and noticed he had gone pale and looked somber. “Forgive me, my liege, for I have failed you in performing my duties in every way, and I know not why. I, I believe I may be suffering from some strange and new malady I have not heard described before. I called you here to ask for your aid, as I feel it is the only hope I have of living, much less future success.”

Lucifer, the Morningstar, sat down, hard, on the couch. “Andy, please. Forget about duties. Just tell me what’s going on.”

I hadn't expected him to react that way. In a burst of either bravery or foolishness, I did exactly as he asked. I revealed everything. I told him how I had only managed to secure a contract with modifications, how (Y/N) did not appear to desire me as any normal human woman should, much less as her body told me she most definitely did. I told him of my shameful actions, and how I had grown to crave (Y/N) so profoundly, I had come near death. I described the power of (Y/N)’s emotions, how she made me feel, how she tasted, how she was different and puzzling. I told him how, if I could not have her, I did not want to live any longer. I asked him if he thought, perhaps, (Y/N) had, knowingly or not, given me some sort of affliction, if he had seen this phenomenon before?

The Boss Man rubbed his chin. He didn’t seem disappointed, though he looked a bit resigned. He spoke carefully. “Andy, I do not believe you have a true disease, and I don’t understand how I can help. I see that this is very important, but I can’t compel her-“

I shook my head as I paced. “-No! Never! I would never jostle a hair on her divine head in a way she did not care for! It… well, I am weak, too weak, and there is a sensitive matter…” He cocked his head at me and raised an eyebrow.

This was embarrassing and uncomfortable to discuss. “Ehm, (Y/N) is a modern woman. Practical, if you will. She should be applauded, of course, for being mindful of her health, really…”

I felt my face grow hot as hellfire, but I just powered through the rest and tried to keep my hair adjustments to a minimum. “The form, or nature, of my, er, my privates, is not exactly like human, male privates. It presents a problem with regards to her preferred method of, um, romantic interludes. And I yearn for, eh, aforementioned opportunities-“

Satan nodded in understanding. “Ahh, so she’s worried about your dick?”

I grinned awkwardly and nodded. “Heh-hehmm...”

Lucifer furrowed his eyebrows. “You want me to vouch for you about your wang? You called me here, so that I could swear up and down, to a human, that your pecker won’t hurt her, make her sick, or get her pregnant? Just so you can get laid?”

If I had thought my face was hot before, it was molten lava then, and my nervous grin was splitting my face. I just grunted affirmatively.

The Lord of the Dead stood. “Son, I am so proud of you!” I was surprised to find myself on the receiving end of a rather firm, manly, backslapping embrace. He pulled away abruptly. “Shit, the apple sometimes just doesn’t fall too far from the tree, does it?” I grinned, happy, but confused. “Fetch your woman, I will speak on your behalf, my son.”

I felt slightly optimistic, if befuddled, as I went down the hall to (Y/N)’s bedroom. I found her sitting on her bed. She looked at me dubiously when I came in. “Is Satan still in my living room?”

I nodded. “I beg you, my sweet, come speak with him? He created me, he can act as an authority that my word is true. Please?”

She cocked her head at me. “Isn’t he supposed to be the Lord of Lies?”

I rolled my eyes and hoped Chris was out of earshot, only to hear him chuckle in the other room. Shit. “I suppose that depends on what you’ve heard. However, he has no interest in deceiving you right now-“

She smiled up at me, and it was so fetching. “-I’m just giving you a hard time! Sure, I’ll talk to him. Why not?”

I hummed happily as I followed her out to where the Dark Lord, looking like Jack Nicholson once again, had sat back down. I was surprised to see him holding a contract in his hands. Instantly I was on my guard. (Y/N) was MINE!

He gestured to (Y/N), and I stood to hover directly behind her, ready to snatch her hand away from any pens. “Observe, miss. While Andy is weakened, I am not. I have written a contract for the occasion. See if you approve, and I will sign it. Your signature is not required.”

What? I had never heard of Hades signing a contract of his own making! Would it even be binding? I read it quickly but carefully over (Y/N)'s shoulder. It was brief, just stating that he, Christopher, would speak the truth to the best of his knowledge during this conversation, on this date, with (Y/N) and myself. Hmm…

(Y/N) looked pleased. “I’m flattered by your efforts, sir. I approve.”

Jack Nicholson-Satan smiled. “Good. Flattery is a specialty of mine.” He signed it! I also noted that he had a much flashier way of igniting his contracts, and tucked that away for reference. That had looked really posh!

The Boss Man made a comical face. “Now, without the intent of making anyone uncomfortable, I shall summarize in brief. Andy has a personal area unlike males of your own species, young lady. Yes, his phallus has very small appendages that superficially resemble spines. They are not painful to females at any time, and the net effect is designed to be a physically pleasurable one. Andy long predates the invention of condoms. Thus far, to my knowledge, there are no condoms that withstand more than a few minutes with such appendages, even when layered. The good news is that Andy is definitely both sterile and unable to transmit human or demonic sexually transmitted diseases.”

What? Wait a second! I couldn’t transmit demonic diseases? Since when? Either the contract my Father had signed wasn’t binding or there was something I didn’t know. Why had I been tested so rigorously, along with everyone else, all these thousands of years? I didn’t dare say anything right then, but I had to remember to investigate later.

Jack Nicholson-Satan grinned widely. “In short, I hope I have helped to somewhat allay your fears, miss.”

I looked to (Y/N), and found she was smiling! “Yes, thank you. Would you like a drink? Some food?”

Horrified, I quickly interjected. “She means human food.”

The Dark Lord must have caught my mood. “No, thank you for the kind offer, miss. I have an errand to run, actually.”

The Ruler of the Underworld came up to me, and I saw care and worry in his eyes. They were the same, even in Jack Nicholson’s face. “Andy… If you need to talk more about this later, and I think you will, you must call again. Don’t hesitate.”

As Satan embraced me once more before vanishing, I was overcome with bewilderment. Whatever could he mean? Did he know something I did not?

Notes