King Andy looked down at the scroll in his hands, his face solemn. The news it brought was grave indeed. The Pale Emperor, the ruler over all the Land, had been taken ill after a fangirl attack!

Andy sat on his throne, motioning the messenger away. His Queen, the fair Juliet, set her hand on his arm, concerned. Squaring his shoulders, he called out in his deep, extremely masculine voice. “Bring me Yanni the Defender!”

Yanni had been working on his craft, fiddling with his enormous arsenal of weapons, when the summons from the King came. He made his way to the throne room, his resolve hardening. The look on the pageboy’s face had been somber.

Yanni stood before his ruler, and King Andy motioned him closer. There was no need to panic the entire Court with the news.

King Andy leaned forward, his piercing, blue eyes stern, yet somehow miraculously sympathetic and really downright gorgeous. “Yanni, the fangirls are coming.”

Yanni, who was accustomed to defending the King from such filth, merely nodded. But he failed to understand the severity of the situation. “Yanni, this is more than the typical riff raff .Emperor Manson was taken down by She Who Shall Not Be Named Directly!”

Yanni’s eyebrows shot up! The Pear, she yet lived?!? She still terrorized the rulers of the Land?!?

Andy nodded, his prominent, angular cheekbones catching the light just so. “Aye, my friend, it’s true. That evil witch hugged the Emperor!”

Queen Juliet and Yanni exchanged a glance, shocked! Everyone knew the rulers of the Land must never be hugged, except by their own kind! It caused grave illness, and generally a painful death followed!

King Andy rose, still scowling in his famously attractive manner. It would yet be his downfall, poor man! “They say the Evil One comes here, Yanni! That she wishes to hug me!” King Andy raised his fist in the air, a look of determination on his face.

Yanni glanced over his shoulder, hoping that no one in the Court had noticed the King’s fighting words. The Court would just panic, should they be awares of the danger. Luckily, they were essentially oblivious.

King Andy continued, his resolve showing in his perfect jawline. “I must not be hugged! I have to stay healthy, to protect and rule justly over my people!”

He looked down at Yanni, his humble servant. “You and I both know that the guards here can never stop She Who Shall Not Be Named Directly! It falls to you, Yanni, to stop this menace once and for all!”

With a little bit more discussion that was equally dramatic, Yanni returned quickly to his intimidating lair and weapons room. This would be the battle to end all battles!

Rumor had it that the Pear had given up on her fangirling, and retreated into the Wilderness. After all, she was old and unfit. She also had unattractive hair that no one should be seen with in public.

But if King Andy said that horrible sorceress was a threat once again, he had to be ready! Silently, he gathered his most powerful weapons. He would destroy that menace once and for all, just as King Andy had requested, verbatim!

---

A medium-ish distance away from King Andy’s castle, the Pear groaned as she looked in her magic mirror. Once again, some dipshit had blamed her for a hugging attack! It wasn’t her fault the Emperor had been lonely and wanted a hug! She had tried to warn him, but he had been such a friendly guy. She was consoled knowing she had left the cure behind, sitting right on the desktop, with a label, and instructions. Perfectly convenient for his magisters to administer. He should be right as rain in a few days. Then they could go pick flowers together, just as they’d planned.

But these days, hugs were not at all what the Pear was interested in. No, her eye was on a far loftier goal…

---

Yanni, armed to the teeth, left the castle on a very muscular, tall, flashy steed. It had an impractically long mane and tail that flowed in the wind, too. After a bunch of boring events, he found a promising, nay, telltale sign. He could hear fangirls keening sadly in the distance. To his left.

Guided by their wailing, he approached the entrance to a very dark, very dank cave. He took the time to tie up his horse by some grazing and a water source, because he was a very nice man, before continuing.

Holding his spear at the ready, he entered the cave. The sound of fangirls crying excitedly was loud and irritating, but after so many years of doing battle with their kind, he was almost immune to their sway.

Shitballs! One of the fiends jumped out from behind some rocks, crying and wailing, screaming that Yanni was so beautiful, that she was a huge fan! With trained deafness to her cries, he speared her right through her traitorous heart.

More of the demons quickly descended, screaming that they loved him, that he was amazing! Just as he had planned, he fought them off, until only one, a juvenile, remained.

The young fangirl hesitated, sensing she had lost. Though she did not approach, she tried to work her wiles on him. “But I love your stuff, why-“

Yanni had no patience for such bullshit! He pointed his spear at the fangirl’s chest. “Where is the Pear?!? Tell me or you die!”

The sniveling fangirl rolled her eyes as she held out her cellphone to take a selfie with Yanni. “I don’t know! She’s so old-“

Yanni flexed his extremely manly muscles and gestured threateningly with his spear. “Last chance, you vile creature! Tell me where she is, or-“

The small fangirl pouted. “Fine! But you’re too late! I saw her walking towards King Andy’s castle when I was waiting in line for-”

Shitballs! Wasting no more time with such a wastrel, Yanni sprinted back to his majestic war steed. He miraculously managed to mount dramatically and take off at a gallop, despite the horse having been tied up earlier! Such is the talent of Yanni the Defender!

As he raced towards King Andy’s castle, he spied a hobbling, old woman. Being a nice guy, despite his urgency, he stopped to make sure she was alright. She was clothed in rags, had a terribly unattractive hairdo, and had a cranky manner.

“Where are you headed, ma’am? Have you lost a child or something?” He smiled a really very friendly smile and stroked his chin, suddenly inexplicably uncomfortable around the very grumpy woman.

Pear scowled up at Yanni, not believing that he was really such a nice guy after all she’d heard about his fangirl-killing. Fangirls really were sometimes harmless, after all. After all, she was totally innocuous, well, more or less, and she was the oldest fangirl ever known. Things had been different in her time-

“Well? You need a ride somewhere?” Yanni secretly hoped the bitchy woman didn’t say yes, as he really was in quite a hurry, and she was also so damned fat, he was worried about his horse’s back.

Pear grumbled. “I’m heading to King Andy’s palace, but I’ll be fine, thanks.”

And yet, being a gallant, chivalrous man, Yanni insisted that the old woman accompany him back to the palace. Thus, they continued on their way, together, at a slower pace.

---

On arrival at the palace, Yanni asked the old woman what she was doing there. “I’m here for an audience with King Andy. He’s expecting me.”

Accepting the explanation from the old, decrepit woman, Yanni offered to walk with her to the throne room. On the way, he explained that he was on high alert for a very nefarious fangirl, who planned to assassinate the King via hugging.

Pear was horrified! Who would covet a hug from the King, when everyone knew royals had such weak immune systems? She patted Yanni’s arm and thanked him for such devoted service to the King. After all, she was his biggest fan…

---

As Yanni and Pear entered the throne room, it was conveniently the case that the King and Queen were still there and otherwise unoccupied. Yanni gestured for the old woman to go to the King for her audience.

Queen Juliet narrowed her eyes, her queen-sense tingling. She had an inborn ability to sense fangirls, and saw through the old woman’s disguise. But was it too late?!?

Queen Juliet stood on her very high, designer heels, and pointed at Pear. “You! You’re a fangirl!”

Immediately the guards surrounded Pear. Before they could lay hands on her, she flourished her magic quill, and they were flung backwards against the walls. That was, all except for Yanni the Defender. He was very well-trained, his techniques hardened over years of battling fangirls.

Yanni readied his spear, but didn’t dare throw, lest he hit the King or Queen. As he readied himself to charge, Pear held up her hand, freezing everyone in the room. “Stop it! I’m too old and lazy to fight! I’m not here for hugs or kisses, you fools!”

King Andy narrowed his glinting, cerulean-azure-steely grey eyes at Pear, and she had to suppress the natural, fangirl impulse to squeal. To keep her head, she had to turn away. “If you give me the greatest gift, that most meaningful of gestures, I shall leave in peace!”

King Andy looked around him, at the fallen, injured guards. Though Yanni the Defender had the evil Pear in the sights of his spear, he might well hit the lovely Queen Juliet if he threw!

Quickly, Andy made the decision. He couldn’t abide by anyone else getting hurt, because he was actually a very nice guy. “Enough! If it is a hug you must have, then come fetch it! But you must leave my palace in peace afterwar-“

Pear snorted. “I don’t want a hug, man, that’s nuts! You’d totally die!”

Mildly embarrassed at being wrong, yet curious, Andy lifted one of his extremely on point eyebrows. “Then what, pray tell, do you want, evil one?”

Pear, despite having difficulty concentrating in the King’s presence, was able to focus on her goal. She didn’t even tear up, she was so old and hardened. She pointed with one wizened, withered claw at the King. “I want a high-five!”

Andy sputtered. “You don’t wish to assassinate me? What about the Pale Emperor?”

Pear shook her head and shrugged. “Hugging is really pretty personal, don’t you think? Especially given its effects on royals, it’s a bit extreme. It’s not my fault that Manson hugged me.”

And thus, King Andy did give the most ancient, most grumpy of fangirls a high-five. And so the King and his Queen were safe, and She Who Shall Not Be Named Directly went off into the Wilderness, quite tickled pink and feeling bashful. Everyone lived happily ever after, more or less.

Notes

Observe: my most intellectual story yet! Surely a Pulitzer is coming any day now! :D

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