I had a much lesser need for sleep than my human host, so I found myself with times at night not unlike those during the day, when (Y/N) was at work, where I had to amuse myself. However, being that she lived in a fucking apartment complex, I had to do so quietly. (Y/N) had set me up on her computer with some headphones, and showed me how to go from video to video on the internet, so that I could watch Drag Race’s Untucked. I had started to get into the show despite myself. I just really liked the fashion design aspect of the whole drag spectacle. Some of the competitors were really inventive.

I was enjoying an episode when something got my attention, struck me as off, though I couldn’t immediately put my paw on it. I paused the show and took my ear buds out, and without the distraction, I was able to pinpoint it. I could hear someone moving around the main room, but I hadn’t seen (Y/N) come out of her bedroom.

I concentrated, and I could smell unfamiliar, male human. A nervous, excited one. At this time of night, it was doubtlessly an intruder.

I grinned. This might make a mess, but it would certainly be a festive way to break up the monotony.

I crept silently from the guest bedroom, and I could feel my jaws expanding, my crushing muscles gaining strength, my teeth lengthening. My stomach was turned by what I saw as I peeped down the hall. There was a short, bulky man dressed all in dark green, meticulously arranging a set of knives on a tarp he had set out on the floor. I saw duct tape, rope, and an uncapped, loaded syringe sitting next to the tarp. I lost my temper.

I lunged at the man, taking him completely by surprise and bowling him over onto his back. His surprise was refreshing on my taste buds, almost carbonated. He cried out and I felt him stab me with something in the back as he wrapped his arms around me as though in greeting. It hurt, but I knew it would heal easily enough.

Keeping in mind that I needed to keep the volume down, I pawed his face aside and bent to rip out his windpipe with my teeth. It was stringy and cartilaginous, so I spat it out rather than chew on it. His pain and horror were a disastrously awful flavor, so I did my best to ignore that and focus on the task at hand.

The man was flailing wildly, useless air whistling from the hole in his neck, as he bled out. Things were going too slowly for my taste, so I moved to take a bit out of his fleshy midsection and eviscerate him, to speed things along. Once I got past the fat, I decided I didn’t care for his entrails either, so I just spat those out too. What a waste, he tasted awful! He had to take terrible care of himself!

He got lucky and managed to slap me with a wet hand as he struggled, which was irritating, but overall he was quickly fading. I couldn’t help but feel pleased with myself! I had saved Andy’s human from a doubtless horrific murder! I wagged my tail in satisfaction.

After a few minutes of wet bubbling as I sat on his thighs, the man stopped moving, and I could no longer taste his suffering. It was then that I realized I still had a knife sticking out of my back. Hmm.

Trying not to make even more of a mess, I took off my bloody pants and placed them on the tarp. Luckily, my feet were still in decent shape, so I didn’t have to worry about leaving footprints. Gingerly, I made my way to (Y/N)’s bedroom as I felt my face rearranging to something more socially acceptable.

My hands were a mess, so I couldn’t knock, I just kicked the door open gently and walked a ways in. “(Y/N)?” She didn’t respond. How had she slept through all that?

I tried again, louder. “(Y/N)?” This time she shifted.

My back was starting to hurt as the adrenaline wore off. “(Y/N)?”

She opened her eyes blearily in the dark, “Whut?”

I sighed. “Can you pull the knife out of my back? It’s stuck and it hurts.”

(Y/N) sat bolt upright, “What?!? Turn the light on; let me see! Are you ok?”

I turned her overhead light on, unable to avoid leaving blood on the lightswitch, and I was briefly overwhelmed by the flavor of (Y/N)’s terror and shock mushed together in an unpleasant miasma. I turned back around, and she let out a little shriek at my bloody visage, “What the fuck, Ashley? You’re blood-spattered and half-naked!”

Now the high from my heroic deed had definitely worn off and I just felt tired. “A man broke in and was going to murder you, so I killed him. But he stabbed me in the back first; can you please just get it for me? I took my trousers off because I was trying not to make a mess and be good.”

(Y/N) stood and pulled the small knife out with a squelch. “Oh my god, oh my god, you’re bleeding!” In shock, she dropped the knife on the floor, and I picked it up for her.

In any normal situation, I could have just convinced (Y/N) to let me show her the pleasures of the flesh, and I would have been healed in minutes. Instead, I had to improvise. “You want to help?” (Y/N) nodded frantically. “Ok, then sit down-“

She scowled at me, gathering her pajamas around her, “-No sex!”

I shook my head, wracking my brain. “No, no sex. Just listen.” (Y/N) raised an eyebrow. “A husband and wife have five kids. Four of them have fair hair and blue eyes, but the middle child has brown hair and hazel eyes. The husband is lying on his deathbed, and he asks his wife, ‘Before I go, just tell me the truth. Is our middle child mine?’ The wife nods and says, ‘I swear on my parents’ grave that our middle child is yours.’ Satisfied, the husband finally passes away peacefully. The wife then says to herself, ‘Thank goodness he didn’t ask about the other four kids!’”

(Y/N) snorted with amusement, and I felt it curling promisingly around my tongue. “What the hell was that about?”

I rolled my eyes at her, “I can’t please you sexually, but I have to eat something if I’m going to heal this up. So just sit still and listen, I’m thinking…” I wracked my brain for anything humorous.

Finally I remembered a few tidbits. “Hey, can orphans eat at a family restaurant?” (Y/N) groaned like I had just panned, but I still tasted a hint of joy at my silliness! Encouraged, I kept going. “A man goes into a library and asks for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian says, ‘Not a chance, you won’t return it!’” (Y/N) shook her head and didn’t seem to like that one…. Shit.

I tried again, “Alright, how about this. A guy and a young kid are walking into the woods at night. The kid turns to the guy and says, ‘Hey, mister, it’s getting dark out and I’m scared.’ The guy responds, ‘How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone?’”

(Y/N)’s mouth fell open, and her scandalized delight seemed to go straight to the wound in my back, “Ash, that’s horrible! Where did you learn this shit?”

I grinned. “Back home.”

I cleared my throat as I thought of another. “A dyslexic man walks into a bra.” It took a second, but (Y/N) chuckled softly and I felt warmth around my injury. I was on a roll! “A guy walks into a high rise bar and takes a seat next to another guy. He gets a major shock when the second guy slams his drink, then marches over to the window and jumps out. But even more amazing is when the second guy walks right back into the bar and orders another drink. So the first guys says, ‘How the fuck did you do that?’ The second guy says, ‘It happens whenever I buy the drinks here, I always slow down before I hit the ground. Here, watch.’ So the first guy watches as the second guy finishes his drink, walks to the window, jumps out, and then, just as he said, slows down before he hits the ground, landing gently on his feet. The first guy decides he has to try it, orders another drink, jumps out the window, and SPLAT! The second guy, however, just returns to the bar and orders another drink. The bartender shakes his head and says, ‘You know, you’re a real asshole when you’re drunk, Superman.’”

After only a few more jokes, I had the wound in my back healed to a scar and decided to let (Y/N) sleep. Wishing her a nice night, I had her close her door to block out the inevitable sounds I’d make. I had a body to dispose of, and I was hoping to finish it before morning, so (Y/N) wouldn’t have to see it. I was definitely very appreciative of the would-be murderer having brought a tarp. I hoped (Y/N) had a decent set of knives and a whetstone…

Notes

Aww, Ash to the rescue!

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