Buzzkill(er)

It didn't take long before Emma had caught on to the fact that Alaska had gone missing. She had gathered a small group of people to look for her, just as they had done for Clementine.
I didn’t really get why they would bother with it again. Okay, look for the damn girl for a couple of days but please for the love of god get some new tactics.
The amount of Clementine posters had gone down in a matter of days, almost as if someone had given up hope.
Cowards.
As much as I absolutely fucking hate that Emma has started looking for Alaska, I must admit, at least she hasn’t just given up. She’s making the game interesting, thickening the plot or whatever.

I had noticed the new posters, and the decline of Clementine’s, when I was out. The picture they had chosen for Alaska suited her better than what Clem’s had. It wasn’t a school picture, she was sat on a bed with a book in her lap, her hair all pushed to one side of her face and she was smiling, laughing probably.
It actually looked like the girl I had gotten to know.
It looked like the Alaska they knew. But one thing was sure, it did not look like the Alaska that had been with me for the last two days, nor did it even resemble how she was going to end up.





**





Alaska laid curled up in a little ball in the corner of my bed. I had given her a nightgown earlier, it looked like the one Clementine usually wore.
I knew these days had been rough on Alaska. She was stuck in a cellar with a man manipulating her to believe her head is working against her. Of course that is going to wear someone out a little bit. I walked over to the bed and sat down by her side, putting my hand on her back.
She tensed up at my cold touch.

“How are you holding up?” I said in almost a whisper.

Silence.

“..Alaska. You need to talk to me. I can’t take care of you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong.” I rub her back a little bit, and lean a bit closer so I can maybe see her face. “Alaaaskaaa…” I said teasingly, and smirked as soon as I saw her eyes.

“I saw her again earlier…” She looked straight into my eyes, hers were starting to tear up already.

“The girl?”
She nods. “She walked up here and started talking about you and her, claiming she was first and that I’m just a distraction and a toy!” Her voice broke halfway through her sentence.

I had to give myself a bit of credit here, I had managed to fill her head with so many lies, and managed to make her completely believe that Clementine was simply a fragment of her imagination.
Now, I had told Clementine all this, that we needed to keep up the ruse. Keep her wrapped around my little finger.
I knew that if Alaska even had one moment where she was not afraid, she would figure all this out. She would most likely find a way to look through the lies, and overpower me. I could of course not let this happen.
There was a weird thing about Alaska, she was different. She was different than everyone else I had ever met, and I was pretty sure that had been the thing to draw me in. When we first met I had thought she was like Clementine, but as time had passed I realized she was so so so different.
She was messing with my head in a way that made me not kill her, or simply just leave her.
She was the goddamn reason I couldn’t let her not be afraid. She’s only got herself to blame on that one.

“I think I should go to a doctor, Andy.”
She caught me off guard. I just looked at her for a moment.

“What? Why?” I sounded as surprised as I felt. How did she do that? How did she make me feel this uncomfortable and vulnerable with just one sentence?

“My arm really hurts, and I don’t understand what’s going on. I’m so confused, Andy.” She sounded like a little child, whining to get what they want.

I didn’t know what to say. I just felt all these things at once. Confusion, discomfort, vulnerability, and anger. A lot of anger.

Before I could process what I was doing my hands had ended up around her throat. I pushed her back so she was forced to lay on her back. I could feel her tiny little body sink into the mattress.

“You.” I tightened the grip around her throat. “Are.” Tighter. “Not going.” Tighter. “ANYWHERE!” I let her go quick after that. I just stood up and walked to the other side of the room.

I didn’t know how to control my emotions. They had a tendency to get all piled up then run over.
Alaska caught her breath, but ended up just hyperventilating. She didn’t move from the spot I had left her. It looked as if her legs were chained down, and her hands were gripping onto the sheets. She was shaking again. Great. Another fucking panic attack.

Alaska had a tendency to do that. Panic. It was a pain in the fucking ass. She would usually just do it randomly while studying or when walking places, and I was always the one to pick her up and take care of her afterwards.
God knows how many panic attacks she had had after getting here.

“STOP! FUCKING! DOING! THAT!” I yelled as soon as I saw her panicking. I made my way over to her again, grabbing her arms and pushing her even further down into the mattress. She took a deep breath when I touched her. But never really exhaled again.

I looked straight into her eyes, she was full on crying now. She shook her head a bit, not sure what to do to get me off or away.

“I’m…” She just shook her head and closed her eyes. “I’m so sorry... I’m sorry.” The words barely escaped her mouth. She had to take a new breath before she could hold it again.
I just tightened the grip around her arms. She tensed more up, and she had to let her breath go cause of the pain.

“If you’re really sorry then stop fucKING PANICKING!” I yelled straight to her face. I was closer to her now, our noses were almost touching.

I had never lost my temper at her before, sure she had seen me upset, but nothing like this.
The only time she could have seen me remotely angry was one time when Emma came back to the dorm and started yelling at me for being with Alaska. I had spoken back to her, which had just fueled her anger more.
It had all ended in Alaska panicking, and both me and Emma trying to help.

She held her breath again.

This was going to be a long day.

Notes

this chapter W A S written on a butt.