The story of a lonesome ol'Jerome

*Andy’s POV*

I was really digging on this list! Only one question in, and already I knew Gwyn and I were both introverts, I had her thoughts on mummification rites, and now I knew it was ok to call her my kinky slut and dirty whore during sex, as a bonus! This was the best car trip ever!

“Andy!” Uh-oh, Gwyn sounded... disgruntled. I checked quickly, but I didn’t have a boner or anything. I hadn’t thought so, but better to be sure. Gwyn was really anti-wood while in moving vehicles, for some reason. Better stick to chaste thoughts, lest I pop a stiffy and get her mad while she’s in nicotine withdrawal. Ugh.

“Yeah?” I carefully blew the last drag of smoke out the window and double-checked to make absolutely sure I couldn’t get another one without sucking filter. No sense in wasting-

“I said, don’t throw the fucking butt out the window, that’s what the ashtray is for, right there.” Gwyn tapped a soda can I hadn’t really noticed, sitting in the beverage holder. “It has some soda in it. I don’t want a ticket. Ok?”

Gwyn was looking mighty cranky, and eyeing my cigarette stub hungrily. This was bad. She hated Marlboros. We needed to stop and get her some nicotine patches somewhere, maybe there were some towns on the way. “Of course.” I put the butt in the can quickly, hearing it sizzle. “Do you know if there are any towns on the way where we could, um, go shopping?” Uh- I should have been more subtle! “Maybe get food later?” That was better… pheeew, score for Andy!

“Yeah, totally.” Gwyn smiled her pretty smile, with her cute little dimples, and I almost (almost) forgot all about her evil, cigarette-coveting inner demon. The one that watches me smoke intensely, that I’m afraid will disembowel me (well, more like neuter me, I'm sure it will neuter me) out of a weird combination of envy and rage. I didn’t want to enable her, but I didn’t want to die, either. The guys would be furious and, well, find me and kill me again. That would just get them neutered too! So I’d have to play it by ear, to save all our balls...

“Well, go ahead! I’m pretty much an open book or whatever.” I consulted the list.

“Ok… Do you like rollercoasters?” This wasn’t exactly a deal-breaker, but it was, you know, kind of, one of those things. I mean, unless one of Gwyn's medical conditions wouldn’t let her…

“Definitely!” Gwyn continued on, glancing at me suspiciously, “do you?’

“Yes, yes, totally!” I laughed, relieved, scribbling away. Having a wimpy-ass girlfriend that only wanted to go on the Ferris wheel would have been doable, but not preferable.

“What makes you happiest?” I sensed instantly that I had fucked up with this question when Gwyn tensed like I had threatened her. Oops. Best to move on as soon as possible, we could talk about it when she wasn’t driving and feeling stressed out about meeting the guys, the tour, and everything. I went ahead and deleted ‘the meaning of life’ from the list, it had been next. That struck me as another one that would likely be a total fail. Some other time, maybe.

“Well…” Gwyn had a small tic that she had obviously tried to suppress, now that I knew what to look for. She stretched her neck around, and I could hear the pops loud and clear. I felt really crappy, I wasn’t sure if I should just listen or interrupt and try and change the subject, but she gave it a go in a small voice. “You could say, love, in all of its forms, really.” She scowled and pretended to concentrate really hard on driving. Shit. The ‘L’ word, I see. I wasn’t sure what that meant, but had no time to think about it, I clearly had to change the subject immediately.

“That’s definitely a great answer, I’d agree with that too. So, uh, what are some of your pet peeves?” I wrote her earlier answer, and kept writing as she talked.

“Pet peeves? Fucking everything pisses me off, Andy! Can’t you tell?” I laughed. “But, seriously, there’s some shit that just gets under my skin like fucking crazy! The worst is nose-picking! I can’t fucking stand it when people pick their goddamned noses, use a motherfucking tissue! Holy shit! It’s fucking disgusting!”

I chuckled, Gwyn was full-on ranting. Apparently she really didn’t like nose-picking. “And it fucking irritates the shit out of me when people don’t hold the door for someone who is right behind them. Not, like, a ways away, but, you know, literally smack-dab behind them. I mean, what the fuck, asshole?!? And this is kind of a small one- people who never give a courtesy wave in traffic, that’s fucking dick, man! But you know what is the number one?” I could guess… “People that don’t take basic care of their pets, I fucking hate that! I can’t fucking stand that! I deal with that every fucking day, and it makes me insane! Want to know why I am a bitter old cunt, well, that is why, god fucking damn it!”

Gwyn grinned at me, and I tittered a little. “I can just see you writhing on the inside at your clinic while you’re shitting rainbows on the outside, Doc.”

“It's exactly like that, like a huge mask, this huge burden, I have to do it, because I have to communicate in the way that's best for the pet." She paused. "And when I mean care, I mean, of course I’m talking about spaying, neutering, and vaccination, but I also think about getting senior pets blood work, pain management for osteoarthritis, stuff like that."

Gwyn scowled again, glancing at me, then grinned widely. "Dude, I am afraid as shit to know anything about your pets!” I laughed, feeling smug.

“Ha! They are both fixed and up to date!” Sadly, Gwyn missed out on my super-awesome-victorious-arrogant-bastard-that-vaccinates-their-cats (perhaps you should suck his penis later?) look. Shame! More eye twinkle was clearly needed!

“Feh!” Did Gwyn just ‘Feh’ me? I'm not sure that more eye twinkle alone will get my dick sucked… “I’m a vet, Andy!" Uh-oh, she was back to serious vet-talk and ranting... "That doesn’t mean shit to me! Do they go outside? Are they microchipped? Is the registration information current on their chip? Exactly what vaccines are they up to date on? When was their last fecal test? Are they on flea preventative? What kind and how often? If they go outside, are their collars break-away? Do you fucking well smoke around them indoors? Because that will kill them, by the way, just as it will kill you. This is the kind of shit I can’t help but think about, because it’s my job, it’s what I think about all day long…" Gwyn faltered in her tirade. "Um, sorry…” She looked sheepish, then scowled. She was either embarrassed, or maybe wanted to neuter me. Clearly, I had to get her to a town with nicotine patches soon, or I’d be destroyed.

“It’s ok-“ Gwyn cut me off with a glance and a silly smile.

“Don’t worry, Hot-shot, I've got the Andy Affliction sufficiently enough to know about the portfolio thing.” I groaned. “Wait, wait, I’m trying to remember some others, give me a minute… I know you hate it when people take pride in their ignorance, but uh, something about airplanes?” I groaned louder, then couldn’t help but chuckle. Man, she was bad!

Notes

QOTD: (1) do you like rollercoasters? (2) what makes you happiest? (3) pet peeves?

(1) yebo
(2) in the immediate sense, sadly, romantic love. pathetic, but there you go. other forms of love are also wonderful- love of and for my many children i've had (pets), love with friends and family members. ultimately, though, making others happy, making a difference, in accordance with my ethical code. achieving goals gives a brief sense of relief, but doesn't compare to the happiness that love, and bringing happiness to others, making a difference in the lives of others, can bring.
(3) yeah, i'm with gwyn. that's a fucking understatement about the vet stuff. "If you can't afford the Vet you can't afford the Pet." The end. truth hurts. if your situation changes, it is your responsibility to seek out options to pay for their care. be it other options for funding, low-cost care, or ultimately sucking it up and admitting that you can't afford to care for them & re-homing them: you are the human, you have to do it. the animal can't. i have met homeless people who saved to care for their animals, so i don't want to hear excuses, ever ever ever ever. if it's about an MRI/advanced stuff, sure, that's different, but that's not what i'm talking about.

(NOTE: NO, i am not targeting anyone in specific here, so if you read this story often and think i am, don't get any ideas- SOMEBODY asked about pet peeves, *ahem*, and that is a pet peeve of most newer small animal vets i know, especially the cranky ones like myself.)