Escaping Grace

"What the fuck was Xavier doing here?" Andy demanded the second I opened the door to let him in.
"What?" I blinked at him a moment. He was supposed to be at the studio, not crashing into my apartment yelling at me the moment I even looked at him. Why was he even here, anyway?
"Fucking Xavier Martin! I saw him leaving the building, Leah. Why the hell was he here?" Andy whirled to a stop, his jaw clenched and that awful glare on his face that told me he was really mad.
"Xavier came to apologize, is all." I frowned at him. "He knew I wouldn't meet him in person so he popped over. Why are you so mad?"
Why was he so upset? He was starting to worry me. I twisted the hem of my t shirt between my fingers.
"I don't want him near you."Andy was snapping at me like a feral dog. "He's a dopehead and ---."
"He's clean, actually." I interrupted him, meeting his glare. "He's got a sponsor and apparently doing well. And I'm not going to be around him any, he just wanted to apologize for the past and put it behind us so we could all move on."
"What happened in the past?" he narrowed his eyes at me.
"What the hell is your problem, Andy? You can't just fly mad and attack me like this when I haven't done anything wrong."
I glared at him.
"I'm not attacking you! I just want to make sure you're safe. And I don't trust or like that guy."
"You made that clear when you punched him."
"For good reason!" he defended himself. "He was touching you!"
"Really, Andy?" I was annoyed. "Is this even about Xavier? What are you really upset about? What happened?" I put my hands on my hips, staring him down. I wasn't going to cower anymore, not from anyone.
"We had a great weekend together!" I spoke when he remained silent. "Are you mad because I'm not staying with you? We do need some space, yknow, we're not married!"
"No, it's not---."
"Then what is it?" I cut him off. "Why are you acting this way?"
Andy stiffened a moment, then let his breath go, staring over my head.
Finally, he spoke. "We need a break."
...
.......
...............
A break?
Like a break break?
Like a break where we see other people break or, or ---?
"What?" I finally managed in a strangled, pathetic voice.
Andy turned away from me, his back rigid as he gazed around the apartment. "We need a break."
"No, we don't." No we didn't! I had completely decided against us taking a break a couple hours after I had thought about it initially --- he couldn't be serious.
Was he serious? He wouldn't even look at me.
"Why do we need a break?" I demanded, and grabbed him when he still refused to look at me. "What's wrong, Andy?"
"You... I ... We just gotta get our shit together, okay? We need some time apart to think." he pulled away from me. "This isn't working like this. You were right."
"What? Andy, that doesn't make sense. Everything is fine."
Literally last weekend has been completely perfect; even the paint stains in my hair were absolutely forgivable.
I didn't understand.
"Look, Leah, you're the fucking one who suggested it."
"Suggested a break?" I stared at him in confusion. "I never said that."
"Yeah, you did! You texted me yesterday talking about it." he was glaring at me again. "You said you needed some time, but you're not gonna break up with me over a fucking text."
He then proceeded to go on a tangent.
"Andy, seriously, listen to me!" I burst desperately. I raised my hands, trying to placate him enough where he'd stop yelling.
For gods sake, stop the yelling.
"Shut the fuck up!" I finally shouted. "And listen to me for a damned second! I NEVER TEXTED YOU. never. I never wanted a break, I never said anything."
"Leah, I have the texts. Just because you've changed your mind ---."
"You're not listening!" I was going to pull my hair out.
"No, YOU'RE the one not listening, Leah. I'm done with this bullshit." He jerked away from me when I tried to take his hand."Beyond done. I have done everything I could to get you to trust me, but I can't do this anymore. You keep me at arms length constantly and I just... I can't do this anymore."
He kept shaking his head, backing away from me slowly, fists clenched.
"Andy," my voice was small. "Please listen."
"I've been trying to listen for months, Leah. But you won't let me in."
"What? Andy, I trust you more than anyone else! I ---."
"You don't trust me with anything!" he suddenly shouted, and I jumped, taking a startled step back. "I have to drag stuff out of you! I wouldn't know shit about you or your past or even who you are if it wasn't for your brother --- I wouldn't have even known about your ex if I hadn't been here to stop him from killing you that day! Dammit, Leah," he was breathing hard, his molten blue eyes full of anger.
But...
"You're so scared of commitment you won't even let yourself be happy. Don't give me that face, I'm not going to shut up! I even told you I loved you and you nearly left me."
Oh fuck. He remembered??
I felt my mouth part in surprise, stunned.
He said he hadn't remembered saying anything.
"I... I wouldn't have left you."
"You would have went screaming for the hills the instant I told you I didn't forget. And I meant it. I do love you, Leah, but you're driving me crazy."
I pressed my lips into a hard line.
I loved him too, but I couldn't say it. The words bunched painfully in my throat.
Andy looked at me, his fervor starting to die.
"You can't even say it, can you?"
"I told you in the beginning I had a lot of baggage, Andy. You're the one who wouldn't leave it alone."
"I know, and it was my mistake."
My eyes flicked to his.
A mistake?
All of it?
That hurt.
I looked down, my t shirt clenched in my hand.
"Leah," Andy sighed, and stepped to me. "I love you." He reached up and brushed my hair out of my face. "But something has to give."
I swallowed, feeling my eyes burn. What did he want me to say? Or do? I didn't know how to handle this.
I bit my lip.
"I'm leaving." Andy spoke after the silence stretched. "And that's it. I know you just said a break, but I'm not doing that... If you wanted to be with Xavier, you should have said something."
He let me go, and took a few steps back.
I stared at him, and it was like a switch flipped.
I absolutely lost it.
"I don't fucking want to be with Xavier! What the hell is wrong with you? How many times do I have to tell you that? You keep talking about me trusting you --- but you don't trust me whatsoever!" My voice was steadily rising. "And I never wanted a break! I never said that, I never texted you that. I don't know where you got that dumbfuck idea, BUT IT WASNT FROM ME. I shouldn't have to constantly repeat or defend myself to you!"
"You wouldn't have to if you would let me in once in a while!" he snapped, interrupting my tirade.
"I LET YOU IN MORE THEN ANYONE ELSE!"
"YOU DONT HAVE TO SCREAM."
"APPARENTLY I DO TO MAKE YOU LISTEN!."
"Why should I listen?" he shouted, grabbing my arms like he wanted to shake me. "Half the time I don't know what's truth and what's not!"
"How can you say that? I've never lied to you! Fuck me for not wanting to bring up my past to you when it's nothing but torment!" Tears were making my voice hoarse. "I do trust you, Andy, but I have to protect myself."
"From what?" he demanded, his grip tightening.
"F-from this." I squeezed my eyes closed. "From getting hurt again."
"Leah, I would never hit you."
"That's not what I mean." My eyes were starting to burn as my mascara started to run. "You don't understand. You can't."
My voice trembled.
"I would if you would tell me!"
I winced at his grip, and swallowed.
"Please, Andy, don't." I pleaded. "Please don't."
His fingers flexed, and then he let me go, his jaw clenched.
"Fine. You don't wanna let me in? Fuck it. I'm fucking done with this."
He started to the door, throwing his hands in the air.
No! No, he couldn't go.
"Don't! Don't go!"
"I'm done!" Andy bellowed at me, standing in the doorway, knuckles white his grip was so tight on the door. "I can't do this anymore! I can't deal with you!"
My lips trembled as I stared at him, hot tears running down my face.
"Please." I whispered.
He stared at me a moment.
"No," he finally said. "No."
He walked out.

Notes

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