Escaping Grace

"Yes, Danny, I know. Yeah, everythings fine now. Yes, me and Andy are still together. They still are too."
This is why I didn't talk to my brother on a weekly basis. I
absently scrolled Facebook as Danny talked in my ear. He'd had a good time visiting our other brother, there was something about snowboarding and swiss cheese (?), and he'd met a new girl named Delilah and was excited about her. Which was good, because if he ever came back to town and hooked up with Clara again I would find a way to run her over with a tank, and probably him too just for good measure.
"Well, she seems really nice. Maybe I'll meet her one day." I doubted it.
"Maybe. I have to go back to base in another couple days," he sounded kind of sad, "I almost wish I didn't have too. I don't know where I'll be deployed next."
"Maybe Japan; you can send me back actual anime stuff from ---."
"Hopefully somewhere warm like Jamaica," his overly bright voice interrupted me. "Hell, I'd take Florida."
Yeah right. He hated Florida. Too crowded, he said.
"So, how is everyone dealing with their parents being around?"
"Surprisingly well," I glanced behind me at Vale where she sat on the kitchen table, eating cereal; we never used the chairs, I was starting to wonder why we even had them. "There hasn't been an apocalypse at least." I added.
Danny laughed, and I heard someone say something in the background.
"Okay! Leah, I gotta go. Love you!"
"Love you too."
"How's he doing?" Vale asked.
"Good. He met someone. Sounds nice," I picked at a thread on my jeans. "He has to head back to base soon, though."
"Did he say he would bring us back stuff?"
"He changed the subject."
"Typical Danny," she sighed, and set her bowl in the sink. "I gotta run pick up some stuff, do you want anything?"
"Nah, I'm good," I shook my head. "Go forth."
"Alright. See you later!"
And now I was alone. Clarke had his parents, Andy was working today, I never called Nate recreationally, and I didn't venture too far from the band friendwise.
Time to Xbox, I decided, and thirty minutes later I was deep in Resident Evil 4 fighting one of the giant trolls of hell. I had a terrible time with these guys, and if there were any puzzles to be done I had to Youtube them.
Oh, the puzzles of the second game.
And the freaking camera angles of the first.
Eh.
I glanced at my phone as it buzzed, and answered without looking at it; if I got hit one more time I was so dead.
"Hello?"
"Leah, babe! I'm actually surprised you answered."
"Who --- Xavier?" I hit the pause button. "Why are you calling me? I thought I made it clear that ---."
"You did, Lee, and I heard you loud and clear. But I just wanted to talk some things over with you, once and for all." he hesitated. "Apologize for real without your boyfriend coming around the corner and punching me."
I sighed; Andy had way overreacted on that one.
"Well, what is it then? I don't have all day."
"I wanna apologize in person, not over the phone."
"I'm not meeting you anywhere. This is your one shot," I warned him. I didn't want to be seen with him anywhere; Andy would have a fit if he knew Xavier had even called me. Besides, I had a hard time with grudges, and I didn't trust myself not to be all "oh, it's okay, yeah we're bros again" because that was never going to happen.
"Leah, please. Just five minutes. For old times sake."
"Old times sake is probably going to be the reason my liver fails, so no." I got to my feet. "I'm serious. We're over, all of us are done."
"It's not my fault Vale is such a high strung bitch about everything," he started. "I was out of it!"
"That's always your problem!" I snapped, starting to pace. "You make excuses for your actions all the time and then expect it to just blow over, but that's not going to work anymore, Xavier. You getting high as a kite and nearly getting all of us killed in a car accident isn't going to work anymore!"
"I stopped using after that! It scared you guys just as much as it did me! I run my club almost completely clean now!"
"Almost isn't good enough. And if this is you apologizing, it sucks." I turned as I heard a knock on the door, and huffed "Look, I gotta go," I started to the front door. "Don't call me again."
I hung up as I made it to the door, and pulled it open. I tried to shut it immediately.
"What the hell?" I demanded as he stuck his boot in the way. "Get the fuck out!"
"I said I wanted to apologize in person," Xavier burst, filling the doorway enough where I couldn't shut the door. "Then I'm out of your hair forevs."
I hesitated. "Forever?"
"Forever." he assured me.
Against my better judgement, I slowly released my pressure on the door, and let it swing half open. Xavier warily removed hinself from the way, taking a few steps back into the hallway.
"Good. Now let's talk."
"Make it quick, Vale will be back soon."
Xavier hesitated a split second, his colored hair falling in his eyes. "I'm clean now, completely. No drugs anymore. And when I think about how I almost got you guys killed --- you were my bros! It scared me straightedged. I can hardly even drink now. I even got a sponsor," he looked a tad embarrassed. "I never knew how hard it was to go to meetings and actually admit what you are."
I just looked at him.
"Anyway, my sponsor suggested I get in touch with you guys again and hash this out. No one else other than Nate would even talk to me."
"And can you blame us?" I demanded. "You literally almost killed us. It was just a time for all of us to rethink our life choices. Nate might be cool with you being in his life, but I don't want you in mine, and you're not going to make me feel bad about it so don't make that insufferable sad face."
Xaviers expression changed at my words. He studied me for a minute, his head tilted. "You're not the same shy little girl I met a year ago. You've finally grown into yourself." he smiled at me, sort of wistfully. "Is it because of your boytoy?"
"No. I've just learned to stop taking shit from people after --- I'm just not doing it anymore."
"You mean since the last time your ex was here and busted up your face. Don't look surprised, Leah. Word carries in our kind of business, yknow. Plus that bitch writer wrote about it."
Eh. I stared at him, not sure what to say now.
"Do you care about him?"
"Andy? Yes."
"How much?"
"Xavier, that's really none of your business and you know it. Now, you've made your apology so you can leave."
He was making me uncomfortable.
"Are you at least sleeping with him?" he suddenly demanded, holding the door so I couldn't slam it in his face.
"Xavier!"
"Don't you tell me you're in love with him and you haven't slept with him!"
"I'm not in love with him, Xavier, what the fuck?"
Xavier suddenly paused, looking pleased with himself.
"Good," he nodded, "then he still has a chance."
"W-what?" I stammered, confused. What was he getting at?
"It wasn't the accident that scared you away from me, Leah, it was the fact that I told you I loved you. You could at least admit it now."
My gaze wavered on his.
His face dropped slightly. "You're so afraid to love and let anyone in that you push us away. But believe me, Leah, I would never do to you what your Romochka did." I stiffened at his name. "And it seems to me that if you really care about this Andy, you won't push him away either. I know we're done, I'm not trying to resurrect anything between us." he reached out, and his cool fingers caught mine. "But I still care about you. And I want what's best. Let yourself love, babe."
My fingers twitched.
"Here," Xavier shuffled, and then pulled a chocolate rose with a short stem out of the pocket of his studded denim vest.
"A parting gift for always being so sweet. I really did love you, babe, even if you weren't ready for it."
He offered it to me.
Should I really take it? I mean, was it completely over then? He was done? I was done?
I took the rose.
I stared down at it, twisting it between my fingers, the aluminum crinkling.
"Goodbye, Leah," Xavier said softly.
"Goodbye, Xavier." I whispered, and he took a few steps back.
He gave me a sad sort of smile and then started down the stairwell.
So it really was over then.
Why was I so sad about it?

Notes