My Darkest Desire (Ashley Purdy/OC/Andy Biersack)

Nikki's Pov:

I slammed the door of the bus shut and I just ran. I didn't know where I was going. I just wanted to get away. Tears were streaming my face but I didn't care. How could he do this?! I was used with people calling me different names but this time hurt. Maybe not the fact that Ashley called me a whore but the fact that he said I'm only using him. He said that I don't love him. Is he really that blind?! Okay, I know that this whole Chris thing was my fault but really?! I don't love him? I'm using him? Did I really pushed him that far? I didn't know.

I ran as fast as I could until I ended up in a bar, still sobbing. I realized that I forgot my wallet and I almost got out when something caught my attention. Chris was standing on a stool with a glass of whiskey in his hand. His jaws were bruised badly and his lip piercings were out because his lip was swollen. I watched him as he downed another shot, debating if I should talk to him or not.

I kinda felt bad for lashing out at him this morning but he was right after all: we had to talk about what happened between us. I guess that seeing Ashley hurt made me flip. I didn't even care that I hurt Chris. I could only see Ashley and the fact that he was in pain. And I didn't like it. I hated it. I took all my anger on Chris and I didn't even mean what I said.

Ashley was right after all. But I didn't want to be with Chris like he assumed. I just wanted to clear things between us and then be with Ashley. Because I fucking love Ashley!

I sighed and I wiped away my tears. I walked towards Chris and I placed myself on a stool next to him. He gave me a shocked look and then smiled weakly. I emptied his glass and I took a deep breath as he motioned for the bartender to refill his glass and give me one as well.

"I'm sorry." I said and he looked at me worried.

"I'm sorry too. I should've called first. Or at least don't try to murder Ashley." He answered and I chuckled.

"I didn't mean to say those things. I don't hate you and I still wanna see you but I just-"

I stopped when the tears filled my eyes again. Chris grabbed a bottle of jack and left a 100$ bill on the counter as he wrapped an arm around my shoulders. I looked at him and he just smiled understandingly.

"C'mon, let's get outta here." He said and I nodded.

We walked until we reached the empty field where the buses were parked, however we were pretty far from them. There was no one in sight and I appreciated that. Chris sat on the grass, crossing his legs and I did the same thing.

Tears were still streaming down my face as he handed me the bottle of Jack. I felt drained. I didn't like my relationship status with Ashley right now and I felt bad for screaming at Chris. The urge to cut myself was still there and I was trying my best to think about something else.

”You okay?” Chris asked as I lit a cigarette.

”No. I don't know what to do anymore.” I answered exhaling the smoke.

”Wanna talk about it?”

”You're not exactly the right person to have this conversation with.” I said simply.

”Yeah, but I'm the only one who's here right now.” He stated quietly.

I looked at him and my heart cringed again. What was to say? That everything I had with Ashley was almost gone? That everytime he raised his voice at me, I would automatically think that he's gonna hit me? That pretty much, all this fucked up situation was all my fault? That I wanna hurt myself just because I feel like I'm not good enough?

”Things are not good between me and Ashley. We had an argument after you left.” I said quietly.

”That was expected. And it's not like it would be the first time you two get into a fight. What else happened?” Chris said softly.

I sighed as I drag another smoke from my cigarette. I drank another gulp of whiskey, swallowing slowly. Why would I tell Chris about it? It's not like he is my friend anymore. I mean, he thinks about me in another way. Why would he try so hard?

”Tell me, Nikks. It helps when you talk to someone.”

”I... A few days ago... I shouted at him for being a coward and stuff like that... And we fought... Like... Really fought.” I managed to say as I drank more whiskey.

”And?”

”And... I slapped him. And after that I kept yelling at him... He told me to shut up... But I didn't... And he just flipped.... And he slapped me too...”

”He did what??!!!!!”

”It was my fault, Chris. He was already drunk and I was pushing him too far. And-”

”Nikki, that's not an excuse! No one has that right! You're a woman, for fuck's sake! Hitting a woman it's lame! There's no fucking excuse for that!!” Chris spat pissed.

”It doesn't matter, Chris! I wanted him to hit me at that point! I wanted to see a damn emotion in him! You know how...dead he was! I wanted to see him angry, pissed anything!!! I didn't care then...” I said wiping my tears.

”Then? What are you talking about? Did he hit you again???!!” Chris asked worried.

”No. It's just that... He said some things...” I whispered looking away.

”What did he say?”

”He said that I am just a whore who is using him.”

Chris's eyes widened and in the next moment, my face collided with his chest and he wrapped his arms around me. I breathed in his cinnamon scent and I let my tears flow freely. He kept drawing soothing circles on my back and I desperately wanted to believe him when he said that everything was going to be fine.

I clung to his shirt and I told him everything. I told him exactly what happened between me and Ashley before I left the bus. I told him about the urge I had to cut myself. I told him how scared I was of Ashley sometimes. I told him how guilty I felt because I knew that I was the reason that made Ashley like this.

Chris just stood there. He stood there comforting an hysterical girl who just couldn't stop crying. In that moment, I felt even more guilty. I looked at him and I wiped away my tears. I asked him to forgive me. He just smiled and said that we all act reckless when we see our loved ones hurt. He also said that if there is one thing that he is sure of, that was the fact that Ashley loved me.

He said that no one has seen Ashley like that. Ever. Ignoring the events that happened during Warped, he was a whole other person. He was happier, he had a spark in his eyes. He said that Ashley would always blush when someone mentioned my name and the biggest surprise was that he couldn't wait to be a husband. He wanted so badly for me to be finally his. After all the Colleen incident, Chris told me that Ashley was scared.

He didn't know what to think anymore. He was asking himself if Colleen's miscarriage was his fault. It was a shock for him because he just accepted the idea of being a father and it was purely ripped away from him. I knew what he felt. I felt the same way. I felt his pain even though the son of a bitch didn't want to understand that.

I felt comforted but not completely. The urge of cutting myself was almost gone and I didn't even know how to thank Chris for that. I opened my phone case and I saw that there was no razor inside and I mentally cursed Ashley. I said ALMOST gone!

”Why didn't you tell me that... you think about me... in another way?” I asked changing the subject.

”I don't know. I was scared. The only person who knew about it was Ronnie. He seemed to be pretty close to you and I didn't want to discuss this with your bandmates or mine, for that matter.” He said simply.

”And you kept your feelings hidden until you couldn't take it anymore.” I whispered quietly as I finally calmed myself.

”Hey, it's not your fault. You have something, Nikki. Something special.” He said smiling.

”Yeah, sure. What is that? A bitchy attitude and a hot body?” I laughed bitterly.

”Actually....” Chris stated eyeing me up and down.

”What?” I said surprised.

”I can't tell you. I don't want to be killed in my sleep.”

”Tell me!” I demanded and I smacked him.

”OW! No need to be violent! Well, the first time when Ronnie saw you... He said that you didn't seem too....trustworthy... And he told Andy that he wanted to screw you. Andy snapped and told him that if he tries something he's gonna be in deep shit. Since then, Ronnie kept an eye on you and he realized that appearences can be deceiving. He really started to care about you like you were his little sister and I don't know if you noticed but wherever he goes he won't stop talking about his partner in crime.” Chris said and my jaw dropped.

”And?” I managed to say without yelling.

”I told him that I like you. He laughed and told me that he knows the feeling. But it wasn't like that. I didn't want to just screw you, like he did when he met you. Okay, maybe I wanted that too but I think that I just wanted to make you happy. I didn't want to see you sad anymore.”

I stared wide eyed at Chris, trying to process what he just told me. So Ronnie wanted to screw me. He didn't trust me at the beginning. Andy had my back. Chris didn't want to just screw me, he felt something more for me. As thoughts still raced in my head, I knew only one thing for sure. I didn't want Ronnie, nor Chris. I still loved Andy, probably I'll always will but I wasn't in love with him. All I wanted and all I needed was Ashley.

I stood up and I asked Chris to forgive me once again. I apologized for giving him the wrong signals and for shouting at him this morning. I didn't even realize that the sun was long gone and I needed to talk to Ashley. I didn't care that he called me a whore. Maybe I was. I didn't care that he said I was just using him. I will prove him wrong.

I kissed Chris's cheek as I headed back towards my bus. I saw that Ashley called me and I smiled to myself: Probably he knows that he screwed up. I got inside the bus but I found it empty. I frowned as I called his name but I got no answer. Maybe he is drinking his brains out like I did.

I stepped inside the bathroom and I washed my hands, looking at myself in the mirror. To say that I looked like shit was an understatement. I sighed as I grabbed a towel and dried my hands. Just as I was about to exit the bathroom, something caught my attention. Something was shining in the bin. What the fuck?!

I pulled the bin out and what I saw made me lose my breath. It was a razor. A razor covered in blood. My mind started racing. Ashley took my razors. I didn't cut myself. So why was a bloody razor in the bin?!!!

”Ashley?!” I screamed once again as I grabbd the razor.

I opened the door of the room that was in the back of the bus and I turned the lights on, still holding the razor. My heart stopped when I saw the blood. The floor was soaked in blood and it wasn't mine. My legs started to shake badly as I kept staring at the floor. This couldn't be happening. No, Ashley wouldn't do this right?

I mean he is the one that always said that self-harming it's not the answer. That you always have a choice. But then why is the fucking floor covered in blood?! Why am I holding a bloody razor that I didn't use?! Where the fuck was Ashley?!

I shakily went back in the living area and I tried to calm myself. I stared at the razor, thinking that I was the only one responsible for this. He would've never end up here if it wasn't for me. I bawled my eyes out, thinking about the fact that my boyfriend started self-harming because of me. Because I let him down too many times. I betrayed him too many times.

I heard the front door of the bus and my eyes snapped to it. Ashley came in sight smiling but it faded as soon as he saw me . I noticed the fingerless glove he was wearing and I knew that it ended just under his elbow, even though I couldn't see it because of his leather jacket. He did it. He cut himself....

”What have you done, Ashley?”

Notes

Guys, I am so sorry for not being as active as I used to be but I'm trying hard to deal with a writer's block.
I am really sorry if this chapter sucks. And I'm sorry that I keep making them suffer.
Promise this whole pain will be over soon. ;)

I love you, guys! xxxxxx