My Darkest Desire (Ashley Purdy/OC/Andy Biersack)

Ashley's Pov:

I stared wide eyed until I saw Nikki's image disappearing from my view. What the fuck have I done? How could I be so dumb? What was I thinking?!! I downed another glass of whiskey and then I smashed the glass into the wall, enjoying the way it shattered. Damn, I break too many glasses these days....

I leaned against the counter and I held my head in my hands. I remebered how this day started and a wave of anger rushed through me. I was staring at Nikki's sleeping form until I heard a knock on the door bus. I slowly got up and my blood turned cold when I saw Chris standing there. He wanted to talk to Nikki but I cut him off, telling him that he has nothing to discuss with her. He said that something happened between them and I clenched my fists only remebering what NIkki told me. I got pissed and I told him that I know everything and that Nikki didn't know what she was doing.

That made him flip. He started yelling that I want to keep Nikki away from him and truth be told, that's exactly what I was doing. I stepped outside and being already a little drunk, I punched him in the nose. Like they were waiting hidden, Ronnie, CC, Andy and Jinxx jumped from nowhere and tried to stop us. Things escalated quickly and in just a few seconds, I think I had some broken ribs, a busted lip and some dizzy spells. At least, Chris looked worse. His whole face was covered in blood.

Nikki appeared at some point and started screaming at Chris. She even wanted to punch him but Ronnie held her. I got worried when I saw her shaking badly but I assumed that she was just pissed. I got angry when she didn't talk to me and wanted to leave. Involuntarily, I thought the worst. What if she lied? What if she just put on a show just to make me think that she doesn't have feelings for Chris?

I yelled at her. I acussed her for being a manipulative bitch. I told her that she is a whore that is only just using me. My heart cringed in my chest just thinking at how stupid I was. Why did I tell her those things? I didn't even believed what I said. I knew that she loved me but then again, why did I want to hurt her? Why did I wanted to see her broken?

And why I felt like I wanted her more? With every fight we had my heart just longed for her. Sometimes, I wished I could just take her and run away somwhere where no one could find us. Narnia didn't sound so bad after all. I wanted to marry her and then just spend every hour I had with her. I wanted to quit the band. I wanted to dedicate everything I've ever had to her.

But right now, I might've lost her forever. She told me again that we're over. I stopped believing that but considering what I just said, I wasn't so sure now. I just called her a whore! I'm not even the right person to talk about this stuff. I was more "whore" than she will ever be. She was right. I was an idiot. I always find a way to hurt her even though it's the last thing I want to do.

My eyes snapped open when I realized why was she so desperate to leave. I quickly ran in the back of the bus and quickly opened the closet. I searched for my leather jacket with shaking hands and I pulled it out, checking the inside pocket. Her razors were still there. I sat on the bed and I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding.

I looked at a razor and I wondered why it helped her so much. I ripped it open and I stared at its shape, thinking about my own stupidity. My heart was shattered and my mind was still cursing me. Will it help? Will it make the pain go away? I didn't know. I held the razor with my right hand and I stared at my left tattooed arm. It can't be that bad right?

I drew a cut on the middle of my arm, right under DHP and I bit my lip. Shit, it hurt. The blood was slowly forming and for a moment, I stared at it amazed. My eyes filled with tears, realizing what I was doing. I'm self-harming! I'm doing what I told so many people not to do! And that wasn't the worst part. The worst part was that I actually felt better.

I was an idiot. Two cuts. I hurt Nikki. Three cuts. I hit Nikki. Four cuts. I cheated on her. Five cuts. I insulted her. Six cuts. I pushed her away. Seven cuts. I let her down again. Eight cuts. I can't do anything right. Nine cuts. I lost Nikki. Ten cuts. I reached my wrist and I realized I had no space left.

The blood was dripping on the floor now and I dropped the blade. I clenched my teeth in pain and I think I hit a tendon or something because it hurt like a bitch. I wiped away my tears as I grabbed the razor and I threw it in the bin. I walked to the bathroom and I turned the cold water on. I hissed as soon as it hit my cuts and I cleaned my wounds. I wrapped my arm in gauze and I pulled a fingerless glove that ended just under my elbow.

I stared at myself in the mirror and somehow I resisted the urge to smash it. I was a wreck. I realized in horror that I felt better. That's why Nikki felt the urge to cut herself. because the physical pain gets your mind off of the emotional one. My heart was still broken but the thorn in my chest was gone. I felt like I could breathe without crumbling down.

I pushed the thoughts out off my head and I dialed Nikki. She didn't answer and I expected that. I sat back on the bed, feeling the burning sensation on my arm. A painful reminder of my weakness. I told so many people that this wasn't the answer. That self-harming it's not making you feel better. But I did it. I felt like I let everyone down, now. The fans who had faith in me. My brothers who always supported me. The woman who loved me more than anything. God, why can't I do anything right for once?

I had to talk to Nikki. I had to apologize. I had to beg her on my knees this time. I screwed up again and it felt like another reminder of how dumb I am. How am I gonna take her back? How can I make her forgive me this time? If she ever will... I sighed and I stared at the sun who was slowly setting down on the beautiful sky of Cincinnati, Ohio.

Wait a minute! Cincinnati? Ohio? That's it!

I quickly stood up and I grabbed my phone. I called a cab and a plan crept into my head. It was probably the dumbest thing I was about to do after cutting myself but it might be the only chance I had to think clear and finally express my feelings towards Nikki. When I was drunk I said only bullshit and when I was sober I couldn't say anything at all. So maybe if I am stoned I can finally explain her everything.

I was still wrapped in my thoughts when I entered in Brad's club. He gave me a shocked look and I just shrugged. I told him what I wanted and he refuse vehemently to give me cocaine. I placed 300 bucks on the counter and his eyes widened. He asked me what this shit was about and I told him I needed to talk to Nikki and I didn't know how.

He looked at me with pity, which pissed me off even more and still refused to give me cocaine, pushing the money back to me. I was just about to leave defeated when I saw that blonde waitress I fucked the last time I was here. I grabbed her arm without Brad noticing it and she gave me a surprised smile. I flirted with her a little as she gave me glass of whiskey and I told her what I needed. She looked at Brad, who was talking angrily with someone on the phone.

Hailey (that was her name) said nothing and she left me. She returned a few minutes later and I stood up. She slipped a little bag in the back pocket of my jeans as she smirked at me seductively, her hand wandering under my shirt. I pushed the 300 bucks in her decolletage and I gave her a peck on the lips, smiling gratefully. She pouted when I was about to leave and I smirked. Brad told me to give Nikki his regards and he said that he hopes everything will be okay. I just nodded as I exited the club.

I called Nikki again but she didn't answer. I ended up calling everyone but I got no answer and who answered me told me that they don't have a clue about where was Nikki. I knew that probably they were lying to me but I couldn't blame them. I entered a bar close to the bus and I ordered a tequila. After I downed the shot, I walked to the bathroom and I closed the dor behind me.

I pulled out the bag and I realized how big it was. I remebered how Nikki did the lines that night and I pulled out a credit card. I poured some powder on the tiles, near the sink and after a few minutes I did something that looked like a thick line. I placed the credit card back in my wallet, along with remaining cocaine in the bag and I realized I didn't have a straw.

Fuck! I pulled my wallet again and I took a 10 bucks. I rolled it untile it looked like a small pipe. I took a deep breath and I exhaled before I breathed in the toxic powder. I coughed, feeling the bitter taste in my mouth and I swallowed everything just like Nikki told me that night. I felt a dizziness creeping into my head as I looked at myself in the mirror.

Shit! My nose was bleeding. I took a few napkins and I pushed my head back until it stopped. I cleaned the remaining blood off of my face and I noticed that my eyes were practically black. My head was spinning but surprisingly, I felt more sane and more sober than in the last few weeks. I sighed deeply as I ordered another shot of tequila.

I stood at the bar, thanking God that we didn't have a show tonight. I kept thinking about what I was going to tell Nikki and I decided that I will be spontaneous. I will cry, I will beg, I will do whatever the fuck she wants me to do! She had to come back after all, right? I mean all of her stuff were in the bus.

I exited the bar after I payed my drinks, when the sky turned pitch black and I walked back to the bus, praying that Nikki will forgive me. I saw that the light was on and I smiled to myself. I opened the door and the first thing I saw was Nikki, sitting on the couch with her eyes swollen and tears on her cheeks, looking at something she had in her left hand.

"What have you done, Ashley?"

Notes

Soooooo, this chapter kinda brought so many bad memories in my head... ugh!

Anyway...Let me know what you think!

I love you guys! xxxxx