My Darkest Desire (Ashley Purdy/OC/Andy Biersack)

Nikki's Pov:

I stood up and I walked towards Ashley, still holding the razor in my hand. He looked away and I forcefully grabbed his chin to keep him in place. Something was wrong. I dropped the razor and I pushed him further in the kitchen area so I could see him better. He shut his eyes and tried to get away from me but I didn't let him have it.

"Look at me, Ashley!" I screamed and he opened his eyes defeated.

My heart sunk into my chest when I saw him. The beautiful chocolate brown that I fell in love with was almost gone. His pupils were extremely dilated and his breath was hitched. I lifted his chin more and I could see he had a nose bleed. I let go of him and I crossed my arms, getting pissed.

"You're stoned." I stated simply.

"Brad says hi." He said and threw a small bag of cocaine on the counter.

Involuntary, my eyes landed on the bag and Ashley saw me. He raised his eyebrows and smirked at me. I glared at him and I placed a hand on his chest. He looked at it confused for a second and I took off his jacket. I saw the glove and my heart cringed as I reached for his arm but he stopped me.

Ashley tensed and shook his head as tried to move past me. I grabbed his chin again and I looked at him with pleading eyes. I wanted to see. I needed to see. I wanted to beat the living shit out of him in that moment and then just smash my head against a wall. This was all my fault. He would've never end up here if I wasn't dumb enough to fuck our whole relationship.

He sighed and relaxed a little. I gently grabbed his arm and I widened my eyes. Why was it sticky?! Ashley looked at me confused as I retracted my hand only to see it covered in blood. I almost ripped the glove off and I saw some gauze soaked in blood too. Great! The moron didn't even bandaged himself properly!! Ashley gasped shocked as I kept my calm and went to the back of the bus.

I grabbed my bandages and I ran back to see him throwing the glove and the gauze in the bin. I stared at his 10 deep cuts, feeling my heart sink even more. He looked at me questioningly as I sighed and led him to the sink. I turned on the faucet and I looked at him before placing his arm under the cold water. He hissed, like I expected him too and clenched his teeth.

I said nothing as I felt my eyes dripping tears. I carefully cleaned his wounds and I noticed that the bleeding stopped a while ago. I dried his arm and I bandaged him as tight as I could without stopping his circulation. After I finshed, I wiped away my tears and I stared into his eyes once again.

He sighed and went behind the counter to grab a bottle of Jack and poured two glasses. He seemed so calm but I knew he was faking it. He handed me a glass which I took, my eyes never leaving his. I downed the content in one gulp and I slammed the glass on the counter.

"Why?!" I demanded.

He looked at me and swallowed hard. I could tell that he was debating what he sholud say but when he opened his mouth, no words came out. He emptied his glass as well and refilled them as he leaned on the counter, resting on his elbows.

"I felt like shit. And I wanted to see how it feels." He said bluntly.

"And?" I asked scared.

"I felt better after I did it."

My world crashed down in that moment. He just said that. He felt better after he cut himself. I knew the feeling but I didn't want him to feel the same. He is not supposed to think like that. What have I done? Is he going to do it again if something happens? Is he going to go as far as I did? Will he go further?!

"But I don't think I'll do it again. It hurts like a bitch!" He continued and my knees went numb from the relief I felt.

"Ash, I...."

I didn't know what to say. Learning that he cut himself and that he took cocaine again just because of me filled me with guilt. I couldn't even look at him. I wanted to yell at him but I realized that it will do no good. I wanted to tell him how much I love him and how sorry I am but he probably won't believe me. I didn't know what to do in that moment.

A part of me wanted to run away from him. To let him be happy and free of my poisoning existence. I knew that I will crumble down in the second I will do that but at least, he was going to be so much better without me. And maybe I will too. Probably, I'm never ever going to love again and I will live a worthless life without him but that didn't matter.

But there was another part of me, the selfish bitch who didn't want to leave him. I wanted to crawl at his feet and beg him to forgive me. To ask him to give me another chance. To promise him that this time was going to be fine. To just take him in my arms and squeeze the living shit out of him, enjoying the way he will probably groan and complain about it.

"I took cocaine because I wanted to talk to you."

He said grabbing my hand and snapping me out of my thoughts.

"You could've done that when you were sober. It wasn't necessary to get high." I said calmly ad I took a mental note to kill Brad the next time I'll see him.

"No, I couldn't. I talk only bullshit when I am drunk and I can't express anything when I am sober." he said looking at me seriously.

"I can't talkto you right now." I said and I wanted to walk away but he didn't let me."Ashley, you're stoned. You don't know what you're talking about."

"No. I know now. And I have the guts to say it. I'm fucking sorry, Nikki! I'm sorry for being a dick and say those things to you. I guess that I'm afraid. Everyone seems to like you and some of them like you in the wrong way. I can't help but feel jealous about it. I can't stand to see someone eyeing you up and down. I-"

"Ashley, stop!" I spat and I pushed him away only for him to grab me and smash me against his chest.

I immediately tensed, not knowing what he was about to do. He felt it and looked at me with his arms still wrapped around my waist.

"I love you! I know I am an idiot, a douchebag, a son of a bitch whatever you want to call me. But I am sorry. I am sorry for being so overprotective, I am sorry for yelling at you, for calling you a whore. I am sorry that I doubted your love, for making you feel guilty... And for hiting you.... It kills me to see how afraid you are of me... Please, Nikki... Just this time. Forgive me this time and I swear on my parents grave that I will make this right!" he finished cupping my cheeks

His words left me speechless as I stared into his eyes and the beautiful brown who was slowly beginning to extend. I wanted his forgivness and yet, he is the one who is asking for mine. What was to forgive? I didn't even think about his drunken ramble from this morning. I loved him! I wanted to be with him! And he wants to be wih me too! He just swore on his parents grave, for God's sake!

My tears started to roll on my cheeks as he cracked a smile. He kissed my lips so softly that I barely felt it. My heart fluttered as I closed my eyes and I wrapped my arms around his neck. He gently pulled me closer and he traced my bottom lip with his tongue, asking for entrance. I stopped and I looked at him scared, wanting desperately to let it out.

"I'm sorry too. I never meant any of this. I know it's my fault for pushing you too far. You cut because of me, you gave up on everything you stood for just because I disappointed you once again. I really feel like a whore, I am the one who should ask for forgivness. I screwed up big time and I don't know how to fix it because I don't wanna lose you." I cried.

"I told you something, Nikki. No matter what you do, I'll never be able to let you go. No matter how many times we will screw up, I will never be able to give up on you. I just can't. Because I know that even if I am pretty miserable right now, it will be a thousand times worse if you wouldn't be here. I would rather have you hurt me than not having you at all." he whispered.

"I want this, Ashley! I love you with so much force that it hurts me but I don't know if we can make it."

He stared at me and kissed my forehead. I closed my eyes and I leaned in his touch. He started to draw soothing circles on my back as I buried my face in the crook of his neck, breathing in his scent.

"Do you love me?" He whispered against my hair.

"More than anything."

"Then we can make it. That's all we need."

My phone started to ring and he reluctantly let go of me. I sighed and I grabbed it, not checking the caller ID.

"Hello?" I said and my voice sounded hoarse.

"Nikks? Is everything okay?" Chris's worried voice rang in my ears.

"Chris...Yeah, I'm fine... I'll just... I'll call you later." I said and I didn't wait for a response as I hung up.

I looked at Ashley who had his eyes darkened now. He was pissed and the anger that was emanating from him was almost visible. His fists were clenched and a wave of guilt rushed through me again as I stared at him.

"What did he want?" he asked bitterly.

"He wanted to check on me." I said calmly.

"I thought you said you hate him and you don't want to have anything to do with him."

"I talked to him today and I told him I was sorry..."

His eyes snapped and I swear to God he could've killed me with that look. He clenched his fists harder and he was biting his lip violently. I could see that he was almost shaking in anger and a cold shiver ran down my spine.

"I told him that I was sorry for giving him the wrong signals and I told him that there could never be something between us because I love you."

He relaxed a little and he let go of his lip. He looked at his hands and realized what he just did. He stared at me and he probably noticed the terrified look on my face because he reached to me. I flinched at his sudden movement and he stopped. The color was back in his eyes and I could tell that he was sober now because tears started to form.

"I'm sorry.." he whispered and I stepped towards him.

I had to make this work. I said nothing and I grabbed his hand. I placed it over my cheek and shivered at the feeling. I intertwined our fingers and he took the hint and used his other hand to pull me closer by my waist.

I took another step and his back hit the counter. I closed my eyes and I slowly entangled my fingers in his hair as I leaned in. I brushed my lips against his own and he let out a long breath. His hand travelled to the back of my neck and demanded access in my mouth. I opened my lips as I pressed myself closer to him, my whole body shaking.

He pulled away and stared at me. His thumb traced my face and I shivered at his touch. I did the same thing just simply impriting his image on my mind. I felt my heart cringe at his beauty and I wondered what did he see in me. I was just a little star near a ravishing sun. But somehow he made me feel like I'm worth it.

He made me fall in love again. He showed me the true meaning of the word. To love unconditionally. To forgive no matter how many times it has to. To do everything you can to prove your feelings. He changed me so much and I couldn't even describe how happy he made me. Even the bad times... Every relationship goes through this but with him it was different. Every single time we fought made me love him more. Made me feel like I wat to fight for him even more. I would die for him and I wouldn't even care.

"What do we do now?" He asked scared.

"We'll take it easy. We never tried that before." I said thoughtfully.

"I'm gonna see a psychologist. I gotta get rid of this anger issues. But I want you to do the same thing. I don't want you to think about cutting anymore."

I stared at him shocked and a warm feeling shook my body. He was willing to make this work. I had to do the same thing right? I smiled and I kissed his lips once again. I agreed and he picked me up, carrying me to the back of the bus, in the room.

We striped each other until we remained only in our underwear. He gently placed me on the bed and threw the blanket over us. I rested on my right elbow and I kissed him with everything I had. he kissed me back just as fiercely and he rolled on top of me. His hard erection was firmly pressed against my core and I moaned as he caressed my sides.

Suddenly, he pulled away, got off of me and turned me on my right side so my back was pressed against his chest. He kissed the top of my head and I turned to face him confused as fuck.

"You said that we'll take it easy. I don't want to push you." He explained seeing my pissed off expression.

"You're not pushing me! I want you!" I growled.

"I know. And I want you too. Badly! But I wanna do this right this time, Nikki."

I sighed and I placed my head back on the pillow. I turned on the other side and I pressed my face against his chest making him chuckle. He entangled our legs as we wrapped our arms around each other. I kissed the left side of his chest, feeling his heart beat as he tightened his arms around me.

"I love you, Ashley."

"I love you too, Tiger."

He kissed the top of my head again and I fell into a dreamless sleep just before I heard him mutter 'goodnight'....

Notes

Guys!!! This is some crappy romantic shit! I can't believe I did it! They didn't even had sex!
Wow! I feel so warm and fuzzy right now! *squeals*

Anyway, comment people and let me know your opinion!

And also, if you want to read some good stories, check out Amnesia and Wait For You by FallenAngel_10! But I gotta warn you: it causes addiction! I am one happy addict! xD xD

Love ya guys xxxxxxx

~Nikki :*