My Darkest Desire (Ashley Purdy/OC/Andy Biersack)

Ashley's Pov (a few days later)

Something was wrong with Nikki. I knew it since she came back from the MIW bus. I asked her what happened and she just shrugged and told me that Chris needed someone's advice about a stage outfit. I didn't buy it. It was just a lame excuse. Something happened between them and I knew the signs. Nikki was acting exactly like she did when she and Andy had that encounter in the basement. She seemed insatiable. She practically raped me these days and I couldn't help but feel that she somehow felt guilty about something.

It took her a while before she told me about her and Andy. I was counting the days and I feared that in one of them, Nikki will crash my world. She would tell me that she slept with Chris or something. Or that she wants to break up with me. Or that she loves Chris and doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore.

I knew that Chris felt something for her. The way he looked at her made my blood boil. The way he always seemed to be there whenever Nikki needed something. The way he always smiled when she was around. I thought I was being paranoid and I asked Ronnie about it. He just shrugged and told me that he doesn't know anything. At that moment, I believed him.

But something changed. Ronnie didn't hang out with Chris anymore and neither did Nikki. Actually, whenever his name was mentioned she would always change the subject. It became a soft spot for her. I waited and waited but it just killed me inside. I kept asking myself when she will break up with me but I was thinking that after all, she agreed to marry me! That means she still loves me, right?

”Nikki, we gotta talk!” I said as soon as she opened her eyes.

”Geez, morning to you too.” She groaned and stretched her body.

I said nothing as she leaned in and pecked my lips. She looked at me with a confused expression. I saw something flash in her beautiful green eyes and I knew I had to do it.

”I wanna know what really happened between you and Chris in the bus a few days ago!” I said simply.

Her eyebrows furrowed and she bit her lip. She rested on her left elbow as the sheet revealed her bare breasts. I knew what she was doing. She was trying to make me drop it. As much as I wanted it, I had to think straight. I needed to know the truth.

”I told you. He needed my opinion. Why are you still asking me that?” She said defensively.

”Because you came back shaking and your shirt was ripped. You didn't talk to Chris at all in the last few days and you seemed to get pissed every time he is mentioned.”

”I was cold and that's why I was shaking. My shirt was already ripped and why do you care if I talk to Chris or not?” She said standing up.

”Nikki, this has Andy written all over it! You're acting the same way! Something happened between you and Chris and if you don't tell me what it was he will!” I snapped pissed.

”Nothing happened, Ashley!” She screamed but a flash of fear crossed her eyes.

”Fine! I'll ask Chris!” I dared.

I stood up and I got dressed. Nikki bit her lip while she watched me and I saw tears forming in her eyes. A sudden rage overwhelmed me seeing her,knowing that I was right all along. I stopped her when she reached for her clothes and she looked away.

”Tell me.” I whispered holding her chin up.

”I can't. It meant nothing to me! It doesn't matter!” She said and tears escaped her eyes.

”What did you do, Nikki?!” I asked unfazed by her tears.

”I... He.. said he wanted to tellme something and... He looked bad and I hugged him...And...I asked him what happened...And...” She managed to say as her body started shaking with sobs

”And what?!” I asked bitterly.

”Ke kissed me...” She whispered.

”Did you kiss him back?”

I let go of her hand and I took a few steps away from her. I was mad in that moment and for some reason,I felt that I couldn't control my emotions to well. The anger boiled inside of me and I was afraid that I will lash out at Nikki. I saw the way she flinched when I asked her that question and I already knew the answer.

”Why?” I asked simply.

”I don't know. But it didn't mean anything.” She said stepping closer.

”That's all you did?”

Her eyes widened and she looked away again. Great! She had sex with Chris! I know it by the look on her face. How could she do this? I knew that I was a fucking moron but that doesn't mean she had to cheat on me. And this happened after she agreed to marry me.

”What the fuck is wrong with you!? How could you do this?!” I screamed pissed.

”I didn't know what I was doing. I wasn't thinking straight! I didn't have sex with him,Ashley!” She screamed back.

”Oh, so he just fingered you? Like Andy did?!”

Her eyes filled with anger as she wiped away her tears. She glared at me and I knew I hit a soft spot. She didn't know what she was doing?! Bullshit! She wasn't drunk and she just had sex with me! She had no excuse for that!

”Don't go there, Ashley! You're the last person to judge me about stuff like that!” She spat pushing her hands into a hoodie.

”I am not fucking around with your friends! You do! And you fucking dare to get mad when I act all jealous?! How the hell am I supposed not to when look what you do?! Why didn't you go all the way? Your damn consciense kicked in or wasn't he good enough?” I yelled walking away from her.

My breath quickened as I felt myself getting even more pissed. I layed my hands on the first object I saw, which was a glass, and I smashed it into the wall, enjoying the way it sounded at the impact. I turned around to face Nikki and her left palm collided forcefully with my right cheek. I saw red in that moment and I grabbed her neck, slamminh her against the wall. She dug her nails in my hand but I didn't even flinch as I tried to control myself.

”After what you did you still have the guts to slap me?” I growled lowly as I tightened my grip around her neck.

”Get off of me!” She choked.

”Tell me why you did it! Do you love Chris?” I screamed my fist colliding with the wall just near her face.

”NO! I just-” Her eyes sparkled with fear as I cut her off.

”Do you wanna screw him!??” I spat choking her even more.

”NO! I just got caught in the moment! I didn't know what I was doing!!”

I managed to let go of her as she collapsed on the floor and grabbed her neck with fear in her eyes. My heart broke in my chest, seeing her. This is how we ended? She was afraid of me. She was afraid that I might hit her again. And I'm not gonna lie.... I wanted to. For some reason, I wanted to hit her. I wanted to do something visible on her body so that no one will even look at her anymore.

What was going on with us? Why were we acting like this? Why couldn't we just snap out of it? Nikki looked at me with tears in her eyes as my knees gave in. I fell on them, just a few feet away from her as I felt my heart breaking. Why was the woman I love looking at me like that? Why was she so afraid of me? Why was she shaking so badly?

And why was I crying? Why my body trembled with sobs? Why I felt like everything was crumbling down? I held my head in my hands and I let my pain take me. Soft arms engulfed my shoulders and I opened my eyes to see Nikki, pressing her forehead against mine. Her warm hands were now on my cheeks as she gently kissed the one she just slapped.

”Forgive me. It meant nothing. I don't want Chris! I don't want anyone! I want you! Only you!” SHe whispered against my lips.

”You don't love me as much as you used to...” I said knowingly. ”Other way, you would've beat the living shit out of Chris”.

”No. I do love you! Maybe I love you to much! I'm sorry, Ash. I know I don't have any excuse for what I did.. But just forgive me..I can't go on without you.” She cried.

The sight of her crying finally got to my heart as I grabbed her shoulders and I crushed her against my chest. She couldn't go on without me and I knew I couldn't either. She loved me. But how are we gonna make it through if stuff like that keep happening? Maybe next time I'm gonna screw up. Or she will scew up again. What's gonna happen? Will she cross me again? I'm gonna hit her again? We're gonna lose what we have just because we're that dumb?

”I'm sorry for choking you.” I said against her hair.

”I don't care. I deserve much worse.”

I looked at her scared. I didn't like the way she was talking. This time it was her fault but still...

”Don't say that again! I forgive you, okay? But don't ever talk like that!”

”Okay....” She said not looking at me.

I leaned in and I pressed my lips against hers. She placed a hand on my neck and pulled me closer. I picked her up and I carried her to the bed as we were still kissing. Suddenly she stopped and looked at me longingly. Her eyes were filled with tears again as she sobbed deeply. She gripped my jacket desperately as fear crept into her eyes again.

”Tiger, what's wrong?” I asked holding her close.

”I'm sorry, I'm so sorry... I just...” She cried more and started to bit her lip hard.

”Tell me, Nikki. I'm here...” I whispered releasing the grip she had on her lip.

”I... I wanna ...cut myself....”

Notes

Dayum! Curse me, people!

Love yaaaa!