My Darkest Desire (Ashley Purdy/OC/Andy Biersack)

Nikki's Pov:

”I...I wanna ....cut myself....” I whispered as I broke into more tears.

Ashley's eyes widened and he quickly stood up, pulling me with him. He placed himself in the middle of the bed and draged my sobbing body in his arms. I cried my soul out as he kept drawing soothing circles on my back. I felt horrible. I felt filthy, dirty, all the bad adjectives you can think of.

I had to tell him about Chris and I. He got mad, just like I expected him too. I hurt him once again. And again, I did it with one of his friends. I remember when I exited the MIW bus. I was shaking like crazy and I didn't know if it was because of the anger or because of Chris's touch who still lingered on my body. I was scared to go back. I knew that Ashley will figure out that something happened. I've never been a good liar and especially not with Ashley.

When I finally got back, I lied and I told Ashley that Chris needed help with a stage outfit. He didn't believe me and I knew it. He kept asking me about it and every time I would just use sex to get his mind off of it. I knew that someday, it won't work anymore. I would have to tell him eventually and I feared the worst. This wasn't the first time when I'm so dumb to almost sleep with one of his friends.

Memories of Andy flooded my mind as I tried to ignore the urge of cutting myself. I told Ashley about Andy, just because we had a promise and I wanted to respect it. His reaction wasn't violent, he just left to fuck another girl. That's why I got pissed and I slapped him. He wasn't the right person to judge me.

But this time, it was worse. I saw the rage in his eyes when he slammed me against the wall. I felt the panick as his hand gripped my neck, almost leaving me breathless. I was scared when he raised his fist and collided it with the wall, just near my face. Ashley was never violent. He was rough, yes, but never violent. What hurt me the most wasn't his behavior. It was the fact that I knew I was the reason behind it.

I pushed him too far. He was on the edge because of me. He would never act like this if it wasn't for my stupidity. My heart broke in my chest, knowing that I let him down once again. I disappointed him. I hurt him and I broke his heart. I didn't mean to do any of these but that was pointless now.

The urge I felt in that moment was unbearable. I just wanted to get away from his embrace, lock myself in the bathroom and just mutilate my wrists. I couldn't even look at him, I was too ashamed. And still, like a selfish bitch that I am, I asked him to forgive me. Why the fuck did I do that when all I wanted to do was kill myself?! Why didn't I lie to him? Why didn't I tell him that I love Chris so he would break up with me and find someone else? Someone that won't break his heart...

”Shhh... It's okay, Tiger. I'm here...” He whispered caressing my back and kissing my forehead.

”I'm sorry. I always fuck up everything. I always have to hurt you, even when I don't fucking want it!” I cried as I gripped his jacket tighter.

”We're in the same boat, Nikki. I almost hit you again. We're fucked up!” He said simply.

I looked at him and I saw the hint of resentment in his eyes. He was still mad at me but he forgave me. He wanted to try again. How could I be so fucking supid?! I just messed up again and he forgave me!

You don't deserve him...

My tears started to fall again from my eyes as I shakily stood up. Ashley held my arm and helped me while he looked at me worried. I searched around for my phon and just as I layed my eyes on it, he gripped my hand tight.

”What are you doing?” He asked looking at me deadly.

”I just...”

I couldn't say it. And I couldn't wait anymore. I was feeling like my heart would burst any minute. the guilt and the shame consumed me way too much. It was eating me alive and I needed to let it out. I was mad at myself. Mad for screwing up in the first place, mad for even wanting to cut again....

”I just gotta go to the bathroom.” I said clearly and I saw Ashley grabbing my phone.

”Fine. Leave the door open.” he answered crossing his arms.

”Gimme my phone!”

”You're going to the bathroom. You don't need it.”

”Gimme my goddamn phone, Ashley!” I spat pissed.

”Why?” He said looking at it.

”I need to text Kaylie.” I lied.

”In the bathroom?”

”Ashley, just give it-”

He opened the case and three razors fell from it. His eyes were filled with tears and pain as I stared at the razors. I dropped on my knees wanting to just grab one and get out of here but Ashley stopped me. He dragged me away from the razors as I kept fighting against him.

”No, you don't understand! I need to let it out!” I cried.

”Then let it out! Punch me, scream at me, write a song or something! Don't take it out on you.” He said desperately.

”I have to... I wanna do it, Ashley.You-”

”Why? Nikki, baby, why do you wanna do it so badly? Why can't you just let it go?” He said and the tears streamed his face, breaking my heart along with it.

”I failed you. I hurt you again...” I whispered as he grabbed my cheeks.

”I forgave you! I don't care about it anym-”

”I didn't forgive myself! That's the problem! I feel the need to punish myself for it! You can't understand, Ashley.” I yelled wiping away his tears.

”It's not helping you. Do something else, Nikki.” he said and I saw his eyes widening.

”What the h-”

He silenced me when he pressed his lips on mine. It wasn't a kiss, it was just a soft touch. It melted my insides and almost made me faint from the gentleness. Ashley slowly placed his hands on my hips and pulled me closer, his lips brushing mine. My arms found heir way around his neck as I felt myself floating.

”Does it helps?” He whispered looking at me.

”A little...”

”Good.”

He picked me up and led me back to the bed. He gently placed me on it, his eyes never leaving mine. He grabbed the back of my neck with his right hand while his left was caressing my cheek. His fingers traced my lips and my jaw line, stopping at the zipper of my hoodie. He undressed me like I was a porcelain doll and I shivered when the cold air hit my body.

”I love you, Nikki! No matter what! No matter how many times you screw up.” He whispered as he placed soft kisses on my neck.

This was the most softest part of him. I couldn't help but flinch every time his fingers touched me. I almost wished for him to just slam his lips against mine but that didn't happen. He kept caressing my body, pecking my lips now and then, until I became frustrated. I rolled on top of him and I crashed my lips on his.

He stood up a little and allowed me to get rid of his jacket and his shirt as he finally roamed his hands over my sides. My head started to spin and I stopped when I realized that I wasn't thinking about those razors anymore.

”What's wrong?” Ashley asked breathless.

”You... You made me forget... About...” I choked realizing what he did.

He smiled and rolled on top of me. His mouth found mine and he kissed me gently. Soon,I entangled my fingers in his hair, demanding for more. His tongue took control over me as he unfastened his belt. He bit my neck hard and I let out a loud moan,making him chuckle. I, impatiently got rid of the rest of his clothes and I wandered my hands over his back.

Ashley spread my legs and positioned himself in between them. I tugged his hair as I hungrily kissed him. His hands caressed my thighs, my hips, my sides and my breats before finally resting them on my cheeks. He stopped kissing me and looked at me with so much love that it made my heart flutter.

”I love you.” I whispered staring at his perfect beauty.

”I love you too, Tiger. Don't forget that I'm here. I'm always here for you.” He said kissing my lips again.

I dug my nails in his arms as he slowly pushed himself inside of me. The feeling of being filled overtook me as I pushed my hips up. His lips left mine and started tracing soft kisses on my neck and collarbone as he thurst inside me in an agonizingly slow pace. He was teasing me and I knew it from the sound of his groans.

”Ashley...”I moaned and I dug my nails in his arms.

He looked at me and I almost froze. HIs chocolate brown eyes were filled with desire. But the rage was overtaking them. He was still mad at me. That's why he was so gentle. He was trying to calm himself in the first place.

”Don't, Nikki!” He growled when I pushed my hips up again.

”Please!” I begged.

I didn't care that he was pissed. I didn't care that I might end up really bruised if I keep pushing him. I'd rather have him release his rage on me. I needed it. As fucked up as it sounds, I needed to feel the pain.

”No!” He spat burying his face in my hair.

”I want it! I need it, dammit Ashley!” I growled and I scratched his back.

He reluctantly sped up his pace and I arched my back. His fingers forcefully dug in my hips and I bit my lip to prevent myself from screaming in pain. My body ached in that moment. My insides were burning and I was feeling like my soul was being ripped. I couldn't help but grin when he finally lost his control.

He was the only one who could have me like that. The only one who ever had control over my body, my mind and my soul. His thurts were now insanely fierce and I felt like he would break me any minute. However, I didn't care. His moans in my ear and his length inside me was all I needed to forget about everything.

I threw my head back and I screamed my lungs out as an earthshaking orgasm shook my body. My legs fell limp from around his waist as he screamed my name when reached his own climax a few thursts later. He pulled out and collapsed on top of me and I couldn't help but giggle as I stroked his hair.

”What's so funny?” He asked confused.

”I think I know how it feels when you lose your virginity!” I laughed feeling the burning pain in between my legs.

”I told you-”

”I didn't say I don't like it. And I didn't remember my first time anyway.” I said cutting him off.

”Let me guess: Drunk?!”

”Yep!” I said winking.

He smiled an rolled me almost on top of him as he wrapped his strong arms around me.

”You okay now?” He asked and I felt the fear in his voice.

”Yeah.” I sighed happily, knowing that I wasn't lying.

Notes

You see my point??! I wanna write some emotional shit and it turns out into rough sex!! Why can't I help it?!!!! Why it always ends up like this?!! Ughhhh!!!!

Erhm.... Yeah, I'm fine now....

So I decided to end this day in a happy note.... Who knows? Maybe tomorrow will be worse :D

Love yaaaa xxxx XD XD