My Darkest Desire (Ashley Purdy/OC/Andy Biersack)

Ashley's Pov (one week later):

I opened my eyes and the familiar pain I felt every morning for the past week, hit me hard. I groaned and I turned on the other side, waking up the blonde that was next to me.

"Morning." She said, smiling shyly.

"Morning, Caitlin." I said getting up.

"It's Colleen." She said hurt.

"Oh yeah, sorry about that." I shrugged as I handed her her clothes and got dressed myself.

That's what I did for the past week. I got laid and I got drunk. It all started when we got in Austin, Texas and Nikki brought Duncan with her in the bus, that night. I got pissed and I went out, picking the first blonde slut I found. I repeated the action three, maybe four times a day as I watched countless guys getting in and out of Nikki's bed. The situation couldn't be worse between me and her. We weren't talking to each other and usually when we did, we fought. We fought over everything. The whiskey, the noises, the food, everything. We were both loosing our temper fast. I almost punched her face when I slammed my fist against a wall that was behind her and Nikki almost hit me when she threw a bottle of Jack towards my head.

Everyone was on the edge because of us. They couldn't take it anymore and most of the time, they went to the hotel, leaving me and Nikki in the bus with our random partners. They stared to get tired of our fights and everyone left the room as soon as the first yell was heard.

What was worse was the fact that every time she yelled at me, the desire was overtaking me. Although, the bitch was smart and left the room before I even got the chance to rip her clothes off. I missed her like crazy and I realized how dumb I was to be mad at her about the pregnancy thing. It wasn't her fault after all. And even if it was, she lost a baby saving my life. I didn't try to talk to her about it and I knew that she wouldn't listen anyway. She was way too reckless these days. The only person who she seemed to listen was Ryan. He was the only one who managed to control her a bit.

Right now, I didn't know who was worse: me or her. It was like we were having a 'who-can-have-more-sex-in-one-day' competition. The guys complained everyday about us, saying that no one was able to sleep in the bus anymore. I didn't care and neither did Nikki. Also, the only time of the day when we weren't drunk was when we were on stage. The amounts of alcohol that were bought worried John and he had a serious talk with us. We just nodded, pretending that we understood and still did what we wanted.

I was mad at Nikki for what she was doing and I was mad at myself for being such an idiot. I felt miserable for doing it but she was doing the same thing. It was like I couldn't help myself from hurting her when she was hurting me. We couldn't talk to each other without finding a reason to fight over. We couldn't even be in the same room without arguing. It was hurting me badly but I didn't let her see how much all these fights affected me.

The fact that I was having sex a few times a day with random women wasn't that great. Even though, I reached my orgasm every time, I still wasn't feeling satisfied. Not at all. And I knew why. My body longed for Nikki. I needed her. I felt numb without her. She was the only woman that could make me feel whole. Sometimes, I wondered if she had the same problem as me, seeing her pissed every time she led a guy out of the bus. I wondered if she missed me just like I missed her. I wondered if she still loved me as much as I love her. I wondered if we could ever sort things out and be the way that we used too.

I sighed and I walked past Nikki who was watching Pretty Little Liars, with a bottle of Jack in her hand as I led Colleen out. I threw myself on the couch and she handed me the bottle, not looking at me. She was wearing a long sleeved shirt and some Hello Kitty shorts which exposed her perfect, toned legs.

"She wasn't that good wasn't she?" She asked with her eyes glued to the screen.

"Nope!" I answered and gave her the bottle back after I took a few gulps, enjoying the way it burned my throat.

"Sucks for you."

"Well, you weren't too happy either when you walked Matt out last night." I spat pissed.

"His name was Mark you idiot!" She spat back.

"Actually, his name was Mel. Are you two going to get back at it again?" Jinxx said as he poured himself a cup of coffee.

We said nothing as we continued watching that damn show. I got bored and I took the remote and started flipping the channels.

"Hey, give me that." Nikki said and lunged for the remote.

"You watched enough. It's my turn." I said as I slapped her hands away.

"No, it's not. I have five more episodes to watch." She yelled and stood up, trying to get the remote.

"Like I would wait five hours for you to finish that damn marathon. Knock it off!" I yelled back feeling myself getting harder.

"They already started?" Jake asked entering the living area, holding his forehead as Jinxx poured him a cup of coffee as well.

"Yeah." He answered.

"Give me that fucking remote, Ashley." Nikki screamed.

"I'm not going to! I wanna watch tv! End of story!"

"I wanna finish my marathon!"

"I don't give a fuck!"

"You son of a bitch!" She said and dug her nails in my arm, trying to get the remote.

I got her right arm and twisted it so she was helpless while she glared at me. Her hot breath hit my lips just as her eyes started to shine in anger. I didn't think as I let the desire take over me and I dropped the remote, crashing my lips on hers.

I heard a 'holy shit' as Jake and Jinxx practically ran out of the bus. Nikki parted her lips and she kissed me back hungrily. I let go of her arm and I grabbed the back of her neck, pulling her closer. I felt my knees weak, realizing how much I missed kissing her. Her legs gave in and I had to hold her waist so she won't fall down. We pulled away breathless and I got even harder in my pants when I saw her eyes darkening with lust.

She lifted her hand and forcefully slapped my right cheek, my head turning to my left. I was shocked at first and I stared at her just as her tears started to fall. I pulled her in a hug as a sob erupted from her chest.

"What the fuck are you doing?" She said muffled against my chest.

"I don't know." I whispered kissing the top of her head.

"I hate you!" She said bitterly while she looked at me.

"I love you too!" I answered and I pressed my lips against hers again.

She remained still and I saw her closing her eyes. I parted her lips and I kissed her gently, like she would break any minute. She kissed me back, her tears wetting my cheeks. I couldn't help it and I grabbed her left arm and that's when she flinched in pain.

"What's wrong?" I asked as she snatched her arm away.

"N-nothing. I just... I can't do this." She said and looked away, holding her arm.

My heart started racing as I looked at her. I felt a horrifying feeling and I looked at the way she was holding her arm. I suddenly remembered that she started wearing long sleeved shirts a lot lately. When she was on stage, even though she always threw her shirt in the crowd, she always had a fingerless gloves that ended just under her elbow on her left arm. An unbearable despair filled me as I looked at her. This couldn't be happening. She wouldn't do it again, right!?

"Nikki, what's on your left arm?" I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.

"I don't know what you're talking about." She said not looking at me and she tried to leave.

I grabbed her again by her left arm and she groaned in pain. I was about to roll her sleeve up when she slapped me again.

"Just leave me the fuck alone!" She screamed and tried to get away.

Her eyes were filled with tears and she had a terrified expression on her beautiful face. I held her in place, ignoring the pain that was burning my cheek as I ripped her sleeve. She stopped trying to get away as I saw the countless fresh cuts that covered her arm.

Tears started falling from my own eyes when I saw how deep her cuts were. How angrily she must've drove the blade through her skin.

She collapsed on her knees and I fell at the same time. I pulled her back in my arms, desperately trying to comfort her. I could've lost her. She started to cut herself again because of me!! Because I was a fucking ignorant son of a bitch!

My hands were shaking as I caressed her soft hair and I felt like I couldn't breathe. She kept crying, breaking my heart even more.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Nikki. Please forgive me!" I said over and over again.

She looked at me with rage in her swollen eyes.

"Why are you sorry!? It's not like you care anyway!" She spat and stood up.

"I care! I love you! And I don't wanna loose you!" I yelled standing up as well.

"You already lost me!" She screamed, tears spilling from her eyes as she turned back on her heels and walked to her bunk.

I was desperate. I was scared. I was mad and I was hurt. I lost her... Those words were echoing in my mind. I was too coward to follow her and I just watched her until she disappeared from my view. I grabbed the whiskey bottle and drank hungrily from it. I threw myself on the couch, still crying, feeling a sudden urge to fall asleep and never wake up.

Notes

Jesus Christ!! I think I'm better at writing sad chapters then happy ones!!!

Anyway, I promise that there would be two, maybe three more sad chapters and after that they will start to sort things out.

Let me know what you think!

Love yaaa, my teddy bears!!!!