My Darkest Desire (Ashley Purdy/OC/Andy Biersack)

Nikki's Pov:

As soon as Ashley walked to the bathroom, I saw Brad grinning. I wanted to sit near him but he pulled me in his lap. Everyone was wasted and I wondered if the smoke of weed affected them. I shrugged as Brad wrapped his arms around my hips and Ryan laughed.

"What's going on?" I asked confused.
I just remembered how I met you. You're just like a few months ago." Brad laughed too.

"I don't remember." I whined as I struggled to keep my eyes on him.

"You were stoned and drunk as fuck. I wanted to bang someone and you were the perfect choice. You were at the bar, downing shot after shot. I asked you if I can buy you another drink wen you wanted to leave. Remember what you told me?" He asked and Ryan laughed his ass off.

"No! What did I say?" I said curious.

"You glared at me and said: 'If you wanna get laid, just say it. But don't give me the usual I-wanna-buy-you-a-drink shit. I live two streets away, by the way.'" He mocked me and I laughed hard.

I forgot how I met him. He wasn't kidding when he said that I was drunk and stoned as fuck. I had many blanks in my memory because of that. Usually, I would only stop when I fell asleep or when Kaylie caught me.

"That was one of the best nights of my life. Even though, you were wasted, you practically drained me." Brad said laughing.

I laughed so hard at his comment that I had to hold his shoulders so I wouldn't fall off of his lap. The sex with Brad wasn't something extraordinary but I liked his company. That's why he was my other constant sex buddy, along with Duncan. He always said silly things and he knew how to cheer me up, even though, most of the time, he pissed me off even more.

I looked through the crowd and my heart stopped. I saw Ashley, with a hand on the back of Hayley's neck, saying something to her. She nodded and started dragging him to the back of the club while I looked at them, clenching my teeth.

"Are you okay?" Ryan asked, noticing my expression.

"What's there?" I asked Brad, ignoring Ryan's question.

"That's the sex area." He answered sipping from his glass of whiskey.

A sudden rage hit me like a tsunami. My hands started trembling and I heard my heart beating fast in my ears. I felt suffocated and I struggled to breath properly. I stood up from Brad's lap and the dizziness that hit me made me fall over Jake. He managed to grab me by my arm and he helped me back on my feet.

"My pizza buddy is wasted toooo." He slurred making everyone laugh.

"Nikki, what's wrong?" Ryan asked looking at me.

Brad gave me a worried expression as I faked a laugh and smiled at them. Brad smiled back but Ryan didn't buy it.

"I need to use the bathroom." I said shrugging.

"Where are ya gooooing?" CC managed to say and I held back a laugh.

"I'm going to Narnia to marry Edward Cullen." I said and he looked at me funny.

"I thought that Edward lived in Forks." Troy commented.

"And that he married Bella." Andy joined.

"And didn't you like Jacob Black more?" Kaylie completed.

"Well, Jacob is a pedophile because he is probably screwing Renesmee and Edward dumped Bella and build a castle for me in Narnia." I said and they looked at me dumbfounded.

"You're stoned as fuck!" Jinxx exclaimed.

"Yep!" I said as I pushed Ryan out of my way.

I heard them laughing as I stumbled my way to the back of the club. I quickly found 'the sex area', as Brad called it and I heard some noise from one of the rooms. I pressed my ear against the door and I heard a loud moan and Ashley's groan. They were having sex.

I walked away as fast as I could and I felt sick. I got inside the bathroom and I closed the door behind me, breathing hard. My legs were shaking and I just let myself slide against the door, until my butt touched the floor. My heart was pounding in my chest as my vision was blurry.

The pain that hit me was unbearable and I couldn't let it out. The cocaine froze me and I couldn't cry. I felt that my eyes would explode any minute but no tears were inside. I didn't know what to do as my breath became hitched and I felt like I was chocking.

I quickly pulled out my phone and I opened the case. There, were the two razors I had since the first day of tour. I didn't think as I ripped one of them open and I rolled my sleeve up. The sight of my old cuts was unimportant in that moment as I drove the blade on my skin one time, just under the crook of my arm.

I couldn't believe I was doing this again. But I had to let to let it out. I felt the pain eating my insides and I clenched my teeth as I saw the blood forming and bad memories flooded my mind. I shrugged and repeated the action two more times. My hands were shaking as I managed to stand up and I grabbed the sink to support myself.

I threw the razor in the bin and cleaned my cuts. The bleeding stopped and I rolled my sleeve down. My mind was replaying over and over the sounds I just heard and my heart ached badly. How the fuck can he be such a liar?! He just told me that he loves me! And 15 minutes later he is fucking someone else! He broke my already broken heart once again! I just cut myself, after swearing that I will never do it again. I felt that despair that made me want to kill myself again! I felt like I was useless again! And why?! Because that son of a bitch can't keep his dick in his pants?! Because he always seemed to know every way to hurt me?! Because he fucking lied to me all this time?!

I felt a desperate need to cry but I still couldn't. I pulled my phone out, with my hands still shaking, and texted Ryan to come to the bathroom. I filled the sink with freezing water and I rested my back against the wall. My breath was still shallow and my legs were still shaking badly but I managed to stay on my feet.

I couldn't do this by myself. I needed Ryan's help. I cursed myself for even thinking about cocaine tonight. I messed up with Ryan's mind and he probably hates me now. Less than a minute later, he barged into the bathroom with a terrified look on his face.

I redid my pony tail again and I took my jacket and my shirt off, careful placing them over my fresh cuts so he wouldn't see them. He sighed, noticing the filled sink and knew what I wanted. He closed the door and stepped towards me. I got in front of the sink as he placed his hand on the back of my neck. I had my right arm on the edge of the sink while I was clutching my clothes with my left one.

I took a deep breath before Ryan shoved my face in the cold water. He kept me there for 10 seconds and then pulled me back.

"Why are you doing this to yourself?" He yelled at me.

"Shut up, Ryan." I spat.

"I won't. Ever since you met Ashley, all you do is suffer because of him." He said and pushed my head back in the water.

"You really think I'm that dumb?! You really think I can't see past your lame pretending?!" He continued as he pulled me back.

"I'm not pretending!" I screamed as my emotions were starting slowly to come back.

"You are! I know you better then yourself, Nikki! I know when you suffer! I fucking feel it!" He shouted and angrily pushed my head back in the sink.

I chocked because I didn't have time to breath. What Ryan said made me even more sad. Did I hurt him too? Did I broke his heart just like I did with Andy's? Was I really that bad? I felt disgusted with myself. I felt useless, incapable to do something right except for breaking hearts. I spilled the water as Ryan pulled me back and I looked in the mirror. My eyes color was starting to be visible and I felt my eyes burning.

"What the fuck did he do now?And don't you fucking dare to deny it! You wouldn't want me to sober you up if he didn't do anything!" Ryan said looking at me in the mirror.

Tears spilled from my eyes and I let out a loud sob. Ryan knew the cocaine left my head and he pulled me against his chest. I dropped the clothes I was holding and desperately clung to his shirt. I felt an uncontrollable wave of tears falling from my eyes, staining his shirt as he stroked my back sighing.

"He-he is f-fucking that goddamn w-waitress." I managed to say between sobs.

He tightened his arms around me, rubbing my back in a soothing way. He kissed the top of my head and whispered that everything will be okay. I didn't believe him as I cried harder, feeling miserable. I wanted to kill myself in that moment. This was too much! I couldn't take it anymore.

He pulled back and stared into my eyes. He kissed my forehead and he touched it with his own, his breath tickling my face.

"I can kill him if you want me too. We can burry him in Narnia."

He said and I let out a bitter laugh. He was trying to make me feel better and I wanted to build him a statue at how grateful I was for that. I realized in horror that his gaze landed on my left arm and I tried to hide it but it was no use. He forcefully grabbed my wrist and stared furiously at the three fresh cuts. He glared at me clenching his teeth and I avoided his gaze.

"Why, Nikki?! Why you hurt yourself again?! Don't you suffer enough?! Why you cause yourself more pain than you already have?!" He spat with his eyes sending daggers through me.

I couldn't answer because I didn't know how to explain it to him. If I tried to, he would notice my urge to kill myself. He would notice the deep depression I just fell in. He would tell everyone about it and I wouldn't be alone not even at the bathroom. I just shrugged as I looked at him with pleading eyes.

"No, Nikki! The cocaine and now the cutting?! You can't possibly ask me to keep my mouth shut!" He yelled.

"Please..." I whispered and I tightened my grip on his hand.

He sighed and looked at me. I noticed terrified that he had tears in his eyes. He was biting his lip and a heartbreaking sadness was written on his beautiful face. I cupped one of his cheeks as more tears escaped my eyes, seeing him.

"Why are you crying?" I asked and he relaxed a little in my touch.

"I don't like to see you like this. It's... It's killing me. Especially because I know that no one can make you happy. No one except him." He whispered and my heart crashed in my chest.

I broke Ryan's heart too. After all these years, he still had feelings for me. And I was too dumb to notice it. Even though, he saw me with Ashley and then with Andy, he said nothing. He was happy when I was happy and he suffered along with me all the time. I will always love him because he was my first but the thought that I still hurt him over the years that passed, made me feel even worse than before. He smiled at me as he handed me my clothes and looked at me seriously as one tear rolled on his cheek.

"Only this time! If it happens again, I will tell everyone and I will personally make sure that Ashley won't be able to walk anymore." He said in a deadly voice.

I nodded as I wiped away his tear. He helped me clean off my smudged makeup and get dressed. He kissed my forehead again before we exited the bathroom, holding hands. We walked back to the guys and I saw that Ashley was back.

He had his eyes watery and he was drinking straight from the bottle of whiskey. He looked torn and it surprised me. Maybe Hayley sucked in bed. Or maybe he knew that he messed up and he was sorry. I pushed the last thought in the back of my head, knowing that I was only lying to myself. But then why did he looked like he would start to cry any minute? He shouldn't be able to because of the cocaine. Did he sober up?!

No one noticed that he was a little further from the others, which were caught in stupid, random conversations you have when you're drunk. Brad was nowhere to be seen. Ashley's tearful eyes met mine and his expression said nothing.

His gaze landed on mine and Ryan's intertwined fingers and a few tears escaped his eyes as he looked away, saying nothing. I felt my heart breaking for I don't know how many times tonight as I looked at him. My fucked up heart wanted me to go and wrap him in my arms while my mind was screaming that he just had sex with someone else. I was torn and I felt like I would finally go nuts any minute.

"Want me to take you back to the hotel?" Ryan asked, noticing Ashley's expression.

I took one last glance at him. He was drinking hungrily from the bottle, finishing it as tears were running down his cheeks. He stood up and went back to the bar, stumbling and he asked for another bottle. He turned away and looked at me with sadness in his eyes and I almost fainted.

"Take me back now!" I said and I dragged Ryan out after we said our goodbyes to the guys.

My eyes were filled with tears as Ryan helped me get in the cab. My cuts were burning my arm as I let my tears fall. I wanted to die so badly and end this fucking misery once and for all. Ryan held my hand all the way to the hotel. When we entered in his room, he helped me clean up and wrapped a bandage over my cuts as I was still crying.

He changed my clothes and handed me a bottle of vodka and a glass as he took me in his arms, letting me bawl my eyes out. Three hours later, after I drank almost the entire bottle and I practically cried all the tears I had, Ryan carried me to the bed and placed a blanket over my numb body. He wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed gently the top of my head. I buried my face in his chest, feeling drained, and I fell into a dreamless sleep, soon after I heard him saying goodnight.

Notes

This story is eating me alive!!!!

tell me what you think in the comments

love yaaaaaa