My Darkest Desire (Ashley Purdy/OC/Andy Biersack)

Nikki's Pov:

I couldn't stop crying as I locked myself in the bathroom. Fortunately, Ashley didn't follow me. I couldn't believe I was so stupid. I let him see my cuts. He is going to tell everyone about it now, and they will start babysitting me again. I've hidden my emotions so good till now. No one knew how bad I was. Not even Ryan.

He questioned me about the long sleeved shirts and about the glove I always had on my left arm but I just told him that my cuts were still healing and I didn't want anyone to know about it. He didn't know how bad my depression was. How many times I cut myself in the past week. I was a wreck but I was acting like I didn't give a shit. I've never been in a worse state. With every blonde Ashley brought in the bus, my cuts were growing in number. With every fight we had, my sadness grew.

Everything was falling apart between us and I didn't know what to do. Sometimes, I just wanted to crawl back to him and beg him to forgive me. Other times, I wanted to kill him because he was hurting me so badly. What was left of our relationship was like a roller coaster. We were up sometimes, only to fall fast down.

I was mad at myself for being such an idiot. I was so good at hiding my pain and it all it was necessary was a damn kiss to break my walls. The sight of him crying confused me even more. I thought that he didn't care about me anymore. I thought he forgot about me after the countless blondes. But he screamed at me that he loves me. That he didn't wanna lose me. I was taken aback by his words and I lifted my walls again. I yelled at him that he already lost me, knowing how hard I was lying.

He could never lose me. I felt like my heart was beating only for him. But I couldn't stop hurting him. I didn't even know with how many guys I had sex this week. What was worse was the fact that I didn't have not even one orgasm. My mind was always thinking of Ashley. That pissed me off even more and made me try harder. Try harder to forget him. I was trying in vain but I couldn't stop.

I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to feel my pain. But after I saw the tears streaming his face, I realized that hurting him was hurting me. When he suffered, I suffered. It was killing me and made me wanna kill myself for being such a psychotic bitch. I would rather fill my body with cuts than see him cry. It was breaking me.

I cursed myself for not taking my phone with me as soon as I felt the urge to cut again. I managed to stand up and took a long shower. After that, I locked myself in my bunk and I started to write. Ryan asked me if I was okay and I told him I needed to focus on a new song. He left me sighing and said that he's going out. Ashley never checked me. By the time the song was over, I saw that the sun was already gone. I read my song again as tears escaped my eyes again. I couldn't describe him better.

He was "a familiar taste of poison" (Halestorm... Try to listen to it while you're reading, it's like it was written for this twisted relationship I created). I sighed and I wiped away my tears as I got dressed. I was going to continue my routine.

I did my makeup and I threw some ripped black jeans, a long sleeved white shirt that exposed my stomach, since my surgery healed completely, my combat boots and my jacket. I let my hair in his natural wavy way as I grabbed my phone and my cigarettes and exited my bunk. I walked fast past Ashley, who was watching tv with a bored look on his face but I stumbled upon an empty bottle of Jack. He looked at me and stood up from the couch.

"Where are you going?" He asked and I noticed that he was dressed too.

"Out!" I said shrugging.

"I'm coming with you!" He said and slid his jacket on.

"No!" I spat slamming the door of the bus shut.

"It wasn't a question, Nikki!" He spat back, grabbing my right hand.

"What do you want from me?" I said and I snatched my hand from his grip.

"I want you to have dinner with me." He said simply.

"Why would I do that?! I don't wanna be near you!"

"We both know that's a lie." He said calmly and I wanted to slap him again.

"You don't know a fucking thing about me!" I screamed and I wanted to walk away from him.

He grabbed my right hand again and forcefully turned me to face him. He looked at me and I realized in surprise that he wasn't drunk. His hot breath hit my lips as we were staring at each other.

"I'm not going to tell anyone about the cutting. I know it's the last thing you want. But I need you to promise me you won't do it again." He whispered.

"Why do you try so hard?" I whispered back.

"Because I love you. No matter how many blondes you've seen, in my mind was always you. No one matters to me but you." He said with his eyes watery.

"Don't lie to me again! The last time you said that, you were fucking the waitress in the back of the club, 15 minutes later!" I yelled at him.

"Because I was stoned and you were all over Brad! He was eye fucking you and you were laughing!!." He yelled back and tightened his grip on my hand.

My jaw dropped as I looked at him in shock. He couldn't possibly be that dumb! I realized that the fucker thought I was hitting on Brad. That's why he fucked Hayley. He thought I was going to have sex with Brad!!! He was so stupid! If he only came to us he would be realizing what was going on! I wouldn't be having countless cuts on my arm and he wouldn't be having sex with all the blondes that came in his way!!!

"You are so idiot! This only your goddamn fault! Everything could've been perfect if you weren't that stupid." I screamed and I punched his cheat repeatedly as tears started to fall from my eyes.

"What are you talking about?!" He said grabbing my hands, stopping me from punching him.

"Brad was telling me how he met me! That's why I was laughing! I didn't give a flying fuck if he was eye fucking me!! I was supposed to go back to the hotel with you!!!" I screamed as my knees gave in and I collapsed on the grass.

He knelt down and looked at me in shock. He wasn't moving. He just stared at me, tears falling from his eyes. My heart broke again seeing him like this but I was too consumed by my own pain to even try to comfort him. Slowly, he grabbed my shoulders and pulled me in a hug. I was in a twisted position with my left shoulder pressed against his chest as he wrapped his arms around me tight. I desperately clung to his arm, the smell of leather from his jacket mixing with his own scent, intoxicating me.

"This all my fault. If I wasn't drawing my own conclusions we wouldn't be like this." He whispered kissing the top of my head.

"No, we wouldn't." I said as he pulled me up and looked at me.

"Forgive me, Nikki! I'm sorry, you were right, I'm a complete idiot, I'm-"

"What's the point, Ashley?! Every time we fight, you go fuck someone else!" I spat pissed.

"You do the same thing!"

"Because it's hurting me! And I wanna hurt you just as bad as you're hurting me!"

"But you're acting like you don't care!"

"That's right! I'm acting! I'm fucking faking it! I wouldn't be chopping my arm if I was okay!" I screamed and I wanted to hit him again.

"What do you want me to do?! What do you want me to say?! Because I'm not okay either! I fucking hate it when I wake up and you're not next to me! I hate it when I see you with some other guy! I fucking hate myself for hurting you and I hate you even more because I can't stop thinking about you!!!" He said exasperated.

I looked at him and a bitter smile crossed my face. He just said aloud everything I was feeling. I saw him sighing as he grabbed the back of my neck and pulled me closer, our foreheads touching.

"It hurts me in every way possible not to be with you. It takes every single ounce of strength I have not to kill anyone who touches you. I'm numb! I feel nothing without you! I need you!" He whispered.

"I don't know what I feel anymore! I wanna be with you! But I'm afraid that you'll hurt me again! I'm cursing myself everyday for trusting you the first time when you told me you won't hurt me! But I'm also happy, because you made me fall in love with you. You remembered me how beautiful love is. But you showed how hurtful it can be too." I said and I looked down.

"I love you, Nikki! I don't have words to describe how much I do. I'm sorry for hurting you but I wanted to do the same thing as you. I wanted you to suffer because I was suffering. I didn't realize that it hurt me even more seeing you suffer because of me."

"I'm sorry too...." I whispered and I felt a huge weight being lifted from my shoulders.

He gently pulled me in his arms and I felt relieved. He loves me. He still loves me. I understand why was he hurting me, in fact I was doing the same thing. But I didn't know if I was ready.

"I'm so selfish. I can't even leave you for your own good."

"What the hell are you talking about?" I said as a wave of despair rushed through me.

"Can't you see that?! I hurt you even when I don't want to. Everything I do makes you suffer. You started cutting again because of me." He whispered.

"I don't care! I'd rather suffer than be without you. I'd rather cover myself in cuts! Don't ever think about leaving me, Ashley."

"But-"

"No!! I don't wanna hear it! Not having you is worse than fighting with you. I don't care if you hurt me, I don't care if you beat me up, I just wanna know you're there!" I said as tears were falling uncontrollably from my eyes.

"You would be so much better off without me..." He whispered, looking away.

"I don't want that. You're right, I suffer when I'm with you. But I would suffer a million times worse if you wouldn't be here." I said cupping his cheeks.

Tears fell from his eyes as he looked at me sad. He was blaming himself and I didn't like it. It was my fault, I was the one who refused to talk.

"Why are you trying so hard now? An hour ago you wanted to go out. You didn't care at all. What changed?" He asked as he caressed my hands.

"I listened. I listened your version of the story and I realized how idiot you are." I said simply.

"But what about what happened for the past week? The fights, the sex-"

"We were both wrong. Listen, Ashley, if this is about the pregnancy thing-"

"No!! I don't care about that anymore!" He said quickly and I believed him.

"Then, why are you asking so many questions?" I asked confused.

"I just don't understand how you can still... Love me... After all this shit." He said hurt.

"Shit happens. All you gotta do is walk past it." I said sighing.

He sighed too as he tightened his arms around me. I leaned in his embrace, and I felt hope. Hope that maybe everything will be okay. Hope that maybe we will sort things out. That maybe we could be together again.

"I need you to promise me that you won't leave me." I whispered, hating that I sounded so needy.

"Nikki-"

"Just promise me!"

"Only if you promise me that you will stop cutting." He said sighing.

"I promise!" I said and I looked at him.

"I promise I won't leave you..." He whispered and looked in my eyes.

"Okay." I sighed and I looked at him.

He was so perfect. His eyes were sad but it was a little spark of hope in them. The tears dried on his beautiful cheeks. His small smile was making my knees weak again and his perfectly sculpted lips were practically begging me to kiss them.

"God, I love you so much!" I whispered staring at him.

"I love you too, Tiger!" He said as he leaned in.

He pressed his lips softly on mine and my body paralyzed at his gentleness. I closed my eyes and I slowly parted my lips, allowing him access. I wrapped my arms around his neck while he held my waist tight. The softness of the kiss faded quickly and it became heated as his hands started to caress my bare back and belly. I entangled my fingers in his hair as he bit my lip and I let out a moan. I felt him smirk into the kiss and I lifted his shirt, running my hands all over his abs. His breath quickened and it was my turn to smirk. When we pulled apart, we were both breathing hard.

"Nikki, I don't know if we should do this." He said sadly.

"Why not?" I asked confused.

"What if I mess up again?! What if I hurt you again?! What if you will truly start to hate me?!" He spat.

"I'll take the risk. I'm not afraid, Ash. You hurt me so many times that I think I'm immune." I tried to laugh but he didn't change his expression.

"You didn't miss me at all..." I said looking away.

It was a lame move. Even for me. But it had the effect I wanted. He grabbed my shoulders angrily, then kissed me violently. I responded in seconds as he stood up and pulled me after him, setting me back on my feet.

"You have no idea how much I missed you, dumbass!" He whispered against my lips.

"Then, why don't you show me?" I breathed.

I heard him mutter 'bitch' as he picked me up bridal style and carried me back to the bus. As soon as the door was closed, I thanked God that no one was in the bus as I started to rip Ashley's clothes off.

Notes

The updates might be a little rare this week... Work is killing me.... Anyway, I wanna thank everyone who commented so far... You made me happy every time....

Keep commenting and let me know what you think

Love yaaaaa xxxxx