My Darkest Desire (Ashley Purdy/OC/Andy Biersack)

Nikki's Pov:

I sighed and wiped away my tears as Andy walked out of my room. I just lost a baby. A baby I didn't know I carried. A part of me. A part of me that I'll never know. I didn't want it. I don't want kids. But the simple thought that I was pregnant made me wonder. How it would be like to be a mother? Would I be able to raise a child at almost 21 years? No, I wouldn't. I wasn't able to take care of myself, let alone a child.

I felt guilty. Guilty that I was responsible for its death. I killed my child. I didn't do it willingly but it was still my fault. I realized that I didn't even think when I jumped in front of Ashley. I just acted. That despair and that terrifying fear I felt in that moment when I saw the gun pointed to him made me act. Made me save the man I love. But he was still shot. This thought made me feel somehow useless. I couldn't even save someone's life properly.

My tears dried as my mind was racing at what Andy told me. He broke up with me. He kept telling me that he wasn't mad at me. That all he wants is my happiness. I felt ashamed of what I did to him but he continued to say that he doesn't care. He just wants me to be a part of his life, not caring if I was with Ashley or with anyone else.

That's exactly what I wished for when I wanted to break up with him. Somehow, now that it happened, I felt even more depressed. I knew that even if he wasn't with me anymore, he'll never leave me. What I felt bad about, was the fact that I hurt badly a man that gave his soul to me. He gave me everything I've ever wanted. And yet, I couldn't fall in love with him. I felt that I broke his heart even worse than Juliet. I just wished that someday, I will see him happy, I wished his happiness just as badly as he wished mine.

My thoughts were interrupted when the door opened. A pale Ashley walked inside, with his left shoulder wrapped in bandages. He closed the door and stepped towards the bed I was in as he sighed deeply.

My heart monitor started beeping faster as he came closer. He threw a glance towards it and he chuckled as I shrugged. He got to the bed and swallowed hard. Instead of grabbing my hand, he gripped the cold bar of the bed and I knew that something was wrong with him.

"Hey." He said quietly.

"Hey."

"How are you feeling?"

"I could say that I've been worse but that would be a lie." I answered sighing.

A small smile crossed his face but disappeared quickly.

"How are you feeling?" I asked.

"It hurts like a bitch. But I'll be fine." He said shrugging and a flash of pain covered his face.

I tried to lift myself, ignoring the pain that shot through my stomach, as he grabbed his wounded shoulder. I looked at him worried as he finally placed a hand over my right one.

"Guess shrugging is a bad idea." He said smiling.

"Yeah, maybe..." I said and remained in an almost lifted position because it hurt me to much to place myself back.

"What you did was the dumbest thing you've ever done in your whole life!" He said gripping my hand harder.

"I know. But at least you're less wounded than I am." I said simply.

"You lost a child, Nikki!" He spat.

"But you are alive! I didn't know I was pregnant and even if I did, I would've done it anyway!" I spat back and I meant every word.

"How the fuck did this happen? You are always careful. How the fuck did you got pregnant?!"

He let go of my hand and he started walking back and forth through the room. I didn't know why was he so mad. But I could see it in his eyes that he was beyond pissed, even though he tried to hide it.

"I was too drunk and too upset to remember that I had to take the pill." I answered calmly.

He didn't say anything as he looked out the window. He was hurt. I knew that for sure. But I didn't understand why.

"Why are you so upset?" I whispered but he heard me.

"I don't know! I just feel like... I lost you. Like you don't belong to me anymore..." He said not looking at me.

A wave of pure rage rushed through me when I heard his words. I just lost a baby and this fucker is preoccupied by the fact that I was pregnant with Andy?! I told him that I wanted to be with him this morning!! I told him that I will break up with Andy!! I saved his fucking life and he feels like he lost me?!

"How can you be so idiot?! I told you that I wanted to be with you! What the fuck has changed?!" I yelled hurt.

"You were pregnant with Andy!" He yelled back, still not looking at me.

"So?!! I still wanted you! I took a bullet because I still love you! Why the fuck can't you see this?!"

"You would've stayed with him if you didn't have a miscarriage." He said ignoring me.

My jaw dropped in shock when I heard him. Was he really that idiot?! How the fuck did I fall in love with him?!

"You don't love me anymore..." I whispered and I felt tears burning my eyes again.

"Don't be stupid! Of course I still love you." He spat angry and looked at me.

"No, you don't! If you did you wouldn't have cared about it! I don't care about it and it was my child for fuck's sake!!" I screamed as tears spilled from my eyes.

The beeping of my heart monitor went crazy as I lifted myself completely. I clenched my teeth, trying not to scream at the pain that I was feeling in my belly as Ashley was suddenly, near me.

"Don't move like that! You just had a surgery!" He said and he sounded just like my dad.

"Don't pretend you care!" I spat and he dug his fingers in my arm.

I flinched at his brutality as his face was a few millimeters away from mine.

"If you say that again, I swear to God that I will cut your tongue myself!" He said with rage in his eyes.

His hot breath hit my lips and that goddamn monitor started beeping even faster. We stared at each other for what felt like eternity as I finally found my voice to speak.

"If you care so much, why are you acting like a douchebag?! Why you're not comforting me? Why I'm not in your arms? Why don't you tell me that everything is going to be okay?!" I whispered pissed as tears streamed my face.

"Because I'm not sure if it's going to be." He said and removed his grip.

My heart almost stopped. What did he mean by that? Was he breaking up with me too? Was he leaving me?

"What do you mean?!" I choked.

"I'm confused.... I love you, but... I just... I can't be with you right now...."

In that moment, my emotions disappeared. For the first time in my life, I felt nothing. I felt empty. Hollow. Dead. I felt my tears drying on my face and my teeth clenching again. I wasn't angry, I wasn't upset, I just felt nothing.

"Get out!" I whispered.

"What?"

"Get the fuck out!" I yelled and the rage came back.

"Nikki-"

"No! I don't wanna hear it! You just stepped on what was left of my heart. You just left me when I needed you the most! Don't talk to me again! Don't think of me again! Just get out of this room and my life too." I spat and I felt no tears in my eyes, just rage.

"I don't want to do this! I need some time to think, I'm not breaking up with you, for fuck's sake!! But you were pregnant with my best friend!! It's not that easy to get over it, you know?!" He yelled and waved his hands in the air, cursing when he moved his shoulder.

"I don't care! Ever since I met you, you did nothing but mess my life! I hate you because this is your fault!" I screamed and he came near me again."You made me-"

He crashed his lips on mine, grabbing the back of my neck with his right hand. I allowed him access immediately and parted my lips. He kissed me hungrily and I felt his tears on my face. I entangled my fingers in his hair and I wanted to rip it off at how pissed I was but somehow, I ended up caressing it.

"I wish I'd never met you!" He whispered as we pulled apart.

"And I wish I'd never bought that fucking album." I whispered back.

He sighed and stroked my cheek after he wiped away his tears. I looked down at our holding hands and I wondered for the millionth time why was it so complicated to be with him. Maybe it wasn't meant to be...

"Why is it so hard?" He asked echoing my thoughts.

"Maybe we're not meant to be together..." I answered quietly.

"No. If I know something is that I don't want anyone else. I want only you. But for some reason, I want to kill you 90% of the time." He said seriously.

"You think I don't feel the same? I just want to rip your head off!" I spat pissed.

"I didn't do-"

"Don't get me the 'you got pregnant with Andy' shit again!! Take your time! Do whatever the fuck you want and I'll do the same!" I cut him off.

"You're going back together with Andy?" He asked as he stood up.

"No!! I'm not going to hurt him anymore!"

"Then what?!"

"I don't know! Mind your own life, Ashley!" I said and he looked at me broken.

I broke his heart but I didn't care. He broke mine too. 'I can't be with you right now '... Those words were going to be in my head forever... I felt so enraged and so destroyed that I couldn't even think. I hated him with every ounce of my heart. Maybe I loved him even more but right now it didn't matter! I'd rather watch him fucking Kina than hearing him saying those words!

"Fine! Goodbye Nikki!" He said and slammed the door behind him.

"Goodbye Ashley!" I whispered to myself as I looked back on the window.

The sky was pitch black and there were no stars on it. Just like there were no emotions inside of me. I felt a single tear rolling on my face and I wiped it away forcefully, almost grazing my cheek. Why was I crying?!!

I'm gonna live my life just like I did after Damon died. I'm gonna do whatever the fuck I want and I'm not going to give a shit about him...

I took a bullet for nothing! Well, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. And right now, it really made me. In this mixture of rage, despair and sadness I felt somehow, that nothing can touch me anymore....

Notes

I was honestly bawling my eyes out while writing this :(((

And more sadness it's on its way....

love you my teddy bears xxxx