My Darkest Desire (Ashley Purdy/OC/Andy Biersack)

Ashley's Pov:

I wanted to get out of the hospital but the press that was in front of it made me go back. My shoulder hurt like a bitch and I was feeling like shit.

All the bad feelings were mixed inside of me. I couldn't believe it. Nikki saved my life. She must've seen that Kina was holding a gun and yet, she still jumped in front of me. I remembered the sound of the gun shot just as her body started to fall.

I remembered the despair I felt in that moment. Seeing all the blood, seeing her head hit the stage. I wanted to catch her before she fell but Kina already shot me too. I collapsed on the stage as I heard her screaming something but I didn't care. I crawled to Nikki, holding my shoulder just as I saw Andy ripping his shirt off and pressing it on my wound. I yelled at him to go to Nikki as I saw Kaylie and Ryan trying to stop her bleeding. CC was walking back and forth, talking on the phone and I wanted to scream.

My eyes were glued to Nikki's body until the paramedics intubated her. I felt a pinch in my arm and I knew that they sedated me because I started to feel sleepy. I didn't know when we got to the hospital. I woke up just when a doctor finished the stitches and was bandaging me.

I stood up when he was done and I had to grab the chair to stand on my feet. He brought me a wheelchair and I almost stormed off. I found Andy, Kaylie and Ryan, all of them looking like shit. A different doctor came to tell us that Nikki was out of the surgery and I stood up, ignoring the dizziness I was feeling. He led us to her room and I got inside first, not giving a shit about anyone in that moment.

I froze when I saw how pale she was. She looked already dead. I grabbed her right hand as tears started to stream my face. I felt the despair taking over me again as her cold, limp hand sent shivers down my spine. I was in shock and it frustrated me because I felt numb. I wanted to scream and yell at everyone! I wanted to shook Nikki's body until she wakes up. To hear her groan and smack my chest. To see her bright green eyes. To see her smile or even her pissed off expression.

As soon as I, reluctantly, got out of her room, my world came crashing down when Andy told me that she miscarried his child. I felt hurt. Used. Betrayed. Miserable. Knowing that she and my best friend had sex was one thing. Knowing that they conceived a child was a totally different one. I didn't know why it upset me so much.

I couldn't even look at her. I was beyond hurt. I've never felt a pain like this. Just when she told me that she wants me. That she loves me. Why did this happen? Why was she pregnant with HIM?! Why wasn't she careful?!

I knew that if she was pregnant with me... I don't know... I've never really thought about kids but I knew that I wouldn't have said no. I wasn't ready and neither was Nikki but what way would be better to grow up than a child? My child. It could've been mine.

I was interrupted from my thoughts as Kaylie ran towards me with tears in her eyes but with a smile on her face.

"She's awake." Was all she said before grabbing my hand and dragging me to Nikki's room.

Just as I saw Andy inside, I stopped dead in my tracks. Kaylie gave me a questioning look as I shrugged. I just stared at Nikki's pale face as Andy was holding her hand with tears in his eyes. Kaylie went inside followed by Ryan as I remained behind the door. The doctor from earlier looked at me weirdly before entering in her room and closing the door. I could see perfectly inside through the window but I kept my position hidden so they didn't see me.

"Glad you're awake, miss Morgan. I'm doctor Morrison." He said as he walked towards her bed.

"Nice to meet you, doc! Although, the circumstances kinda suck." She said in a hoarse voice and I almost chuckled.

She just got shot and she was still the bluntly woman I fell in love with.

"I agree on that! Now, I have bad new and good news for you-

"That can wait. How is Ashley?" She cut the doctor off and I smiled.

"He's okay. A colleague of mine took the bullet out and stitched his wound."

"He was shot?!" She yelled, her eyes sparkling with anger as she tried to get up but tensed in pain, grabbing her belly.

Andy and Ryan pulled her shoulders back on the pillow as Kaylie glared at her.

"I wouldn't recommend too much movement in your case, miss Morgan. Yes, he was shot in his left shoulder but he is perfectly fine and he will be completely healed in a couple of weeks. Now, can I tell you about your condition without being afraid that you might jump off of the bed?" He asked crossing his arms.

"Yes." She answered sighing.

"First of all, what you did was purely insane. But I understand your reasons." He said quickly when she opened her mouth to protest. "You suffered a severe concussion and I bet your head hurts like hell." He continued and she nodded pouting.

I smiled again, thinking at how many hangovers she's been through. A concussion was nothing compared to what she was used to.

"You had a massive blood loss but we gave you almost 3 liters. However, you were pretty lucky because the bullet didn't affect any of your organs."

"Then what are the bad news?" Nikki asked confused as I held my breath.

The doctor sighed and I could tell that it wasn't easy for him. Kaylie and Ryan exited the room as Nikki looked at them weirdly. I didn't even flinch when they saw me, keeping my eyes glued to Andy, who looked down now. I glanced at them. They both pulled their phones out, probably calling everyone to let them know that Nikki was awake as they walked to the elevator. Nikki had an even more confused expression as Andy started to squeeze her hand.

"Miss Morgan, you lost the baby."

Her eyes widened and her jaw dropped. She looked at Morrison like he was nuts as she retracted her hand from Andy's hold.

"I lost the... What?!" She asked pissed.

"You were pregnant, you were only three weeks far. I'm not surprised that you didn't know." The doctor said calmly.

"Three weeks... That means..."

Suddenly, her eyes met Andy's and filled with tears. Andy grabbed her shoulders and hugged her body as she looked up to the ceiling shocked.

"I'll leave you too alone." Morrison mumbled and exited the room.

He glared at me and walked straight to me.

"How can you be so dumb?" He asked.

"Excuse me?!" I answered shocked.

"I asked the redhead what happened and she told me the whole story. Why the hell aren't you there to comfort her?! She saved your life, for God's sake!" He said pissed.

I was taken aback and I looked at him shocked. I felt a thorn in my heart. The fact that she was pregnant with Andy tore me apart. Even though, she told me that she wants me. Even though she said that she will break up with him. Even though...

"Don't screw it up, mister Purdy. You'll never find someone like her." He said and walked away.

I looked back at them as Nikki started to cry desperately. Andy rested his chin on her head as she was sobbing uncontrollably.

"I-I'm so ... Sorry." She managed to say.

"It wasn't your fault, Nikki." Andy said, stroking her hair.

She kept crying. She just lost a baby. A little human that was growing inside of her. Someone that she will never meet. I could feel her pain but I couldn't understand it completely. My heart shattered into a million pieces as she cried her soul out.

"Where is Ashley? Why isn't he here?!" She spat pulling away, and forcefully wiped away her tears.

"He will be here. He just needed some air." Andy said.

She nodded sighing and grabbed her forehead. Andy looked at her and placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Nikki... I can't do this anymore."

I didn't hear him. I just read the words on his lips. Nikki looked at him questioningly as he started to explain her why he couldn't be with her anymore. She looked down, guilty every time he mentioned my name as tears started to fall from her eyes again.

"I'm not mad at you, Nikki. I'm just sorry that I couldn't make you love me. Not like Ashley did. I just want you to be happy, you understand that? That's all that matters to me right now!" He said as he cupped her cheeks, making her look at him.

"I'm so sorry, Andy. I'm sorry that I got your hopes up for nothing. I just-"

"I know, princess. And I forgive you. All I want is to have you in my life. I can lose my hope at your love but I can't lose you as a person." He said kissing her forehead.

She nodded as hugged him once again, flinching in pain at the action. I looked at them and I felt my own tears threatening to fall. They broke up for good. Nikki was free and Andy said that he was okay with her being with me. She could be mine again. So then, why I couldn't move? Why was my mind filled with doubts? Why couldn't I just barge into the room and wrap my arms around her?

"I'll go find Ashley." Andy said and she nodded.

I moved from the window and I pressed my back against the wall, taking a deep breath. Andy noticed me and sighed.

"Why aren't you inside?"

"I can't do this." I said and I exhaled.

"Why not?" Andy asked crossing his arms.

"I ... I just feel like... She's not mine... Anymore..." I answered sadly.

"Do you love her?"

"More than anything!" I said glaring at him for asking such a stupid question.

"Then you shouldn't care about the fact that she was pregnant with me. She had sex with many guys before you. She had sex with me countless times. However, her heart always belonged to you. And that's what matters." He said angry.

I looked at him and I swallowed hard. He was right. But still, I couldn't understand why I felt so betrayed. Why I was feeling like she...died...

"Go! She just lost a child. A part of her. And still, she is asking for you. If that doesn't prove how much she loves you I don't know what else can." Andy said and walked away from me.

I glanced at Nikki who was now looking on the window. Even in this state, she was ravishingly beautiful. Her hair was like a black halo over her perfect features. Her green eyes were lost and red from all the tears she cried. Her full lips, that I kissed so many times, were slightly parted as she breathed. This was the woman I fell in love with. The woman that saved me. I grabbed the doorknob, ignoring all my bad feelings, and I entered in the room.

Notes

Happy new year, little teddy bears!!!

I love you!!! Xxxxx