I found out in the fall. I've been gone
On the road for a year
She said,
"Honey, I've got real bad news" and
Then there were just tears


The scenery passed him by and Jinxx Ferguson couldn’t help but smile. He was on the road with his band, Black Veil Brides and it was finally almost time for them to head home. He missed his wife Melissa, who was currently pregnant with their twin boys and he knew it was only a matter of time before he would become something he had always wanted to be-a father…a best friend. He had gained some experience from Arabella-Andy and Dess’ small girl and their own boy Oliver, but he had only just been Uncle Jinxx. Now…now he would be dad and that thought made him beyond happy.

They had been gone all summer long, taking advantage because soon their touring would only be in the summer and winter. Everyone was settling down and as Jinxx strummed a few strings on his guitar, he could feel it in his bones-this is what they had all been meant to do. It had been fun in the beginning, the parties and the girls, but now he wanted more…he wanted two little boys to love and to love him in return. As the scenery passed by, Jinxx couldn’t keep the smile from his face-Melissa was everything to him and he knew that she had always been meant for him. He’d been unlucky in love before and that was mostly due to his stupidity, but Jinxx wasn’t screwing this up.


“What’s going on Melis?” He answered his phone, which had been sitting on the couch next to him and his stomach lurched as all he could hear was crying coming from her end.

“J-Jinxx…I-I’ve got bad news…” She managed to get out before her words were swallowed up by her own tears and Jinxx felt the phone fall from his hands.


What kind of bad news? What’s happened? Was Melissa okay? Were the babies okay? Jinxx didn’t even realize that he had cried out, dropping his guitar to the floor and now everyone was surrounding him. Dess had picked up the phone and Jinxx could hear her trying to comfort her friend on the other line. Arabella was standing at his side and as Jinxx looked towards the little girl, her blonde hair and blue eyes so angelic looking, he knew that something terrible had happened. The bus was in chaos, but all Jinxx could focus on was the little girl standing beside him, her thumb in her mouth as she smiled shyly at her Uncle Jinxx.

Would he ever have someone to look at him like that? Would he ever be destined to be the father he knew he could be?



And we would never be the same again
Since then I've often wondered
What you might have been like
How it would have felt to hold you,
Would you have my eyes?
Don't you think we would've been best friends?


The hospital room that they had put Melissa in was cold and pale looking, but Jinxx wasn’t worried about the décor. He was only worried about the love of his life, who was currently sitting in the hospital bed to his right. She had thankfully been able to get to the hospital and Jinxx and the rest of the band had not been too far away. Now they were sitting there, hand in hand, as they waited for the doctor to come in and tell them what had happened. Melissa had told him that she had woken up that morning-seven months pregnant-and something didn’t feel right. She usually felt both babies kicking her, but that morning she had only felt one.


“Mr. and Mrs. Ferguson?” There was a balding man standing in the doorway and Jinxx looked up, his blue eyes filled with tears and a hope that would never come.

“We managed to save one boy, but the other…I-I’m sorry.” The doctor said and Jinxx felt his entire world come to a complete stop. Melissa was sobbing beside him and all Jinxx could do was reach out a hand and bring her head to his chest.

“Whenever you would like to see your son, please just page one of the nurses.” With that they had been left alone and Jinxx just sat there with Melissa sobbing against his chest.


He was a father now, but only to one son. Jinxx knew as he sat there with Melissa in his arms, that things would never be the same for them. This was supposed to be a happy time for them…they were supposed to be celebrating and welcoming their two sons in to the world, but no. No, now they only had one son and as Jinxx sat there he couldn’t help but let his thoughts over take him. What would it have been like to hold two boys? Would they both have his eyes? He would never know…he would never see. He had planned so much for the two of them-he and Melissa had picked out names and everything and now they would have to just choose one name…one name for the only child they had.

Would they have been best friends at some point? Would Jinxx have been everything to his two little boys? Would they look up to him? See him as some sort of super hero? He would never know and as he and his wife laid in that hospital bed, Jinxx knew that nothing would ever seem right in the world. Nothing was ever right when a child was taken from his parents too soon.
They would never know their son and the one who survived would never know his brother…they would never tell him that he was the only survivor.



You would be ten and I'd be
Driving you to school
You would tell all your friends
That you thought I was cool
And you would have
All the love in my heart
Yeah, you would have
All the love in my heart


“Turn it up dad!” Edmund laughed from the backseat and Jinxx only smiled as he turned the dial on the radio and listened to his bandmate scream into the car. Ten year old Edmund was sitting in the back, banging his head to the guitars and Jinxx couldn’t help but laugh.

“You listen to the coolest music dad!” Edmund called over the noise and Jinxx only smiled as he focused on the road before him.


He was on his way to Bayview Elementary, dropping Edmund off for his day of school before heading to the studio. Melissa used to drive the boy to school, but since Jinxx was hardly home he often offered because he enjoyed the time with his only child. Looking in the backseat and seeing the blonde haired blue eyed boy nodding his head, Jinxx couldn’t help but feel a little sad. Edmund James would have been a twin, but as fate would have it that was never meant to be. Jinxx couldn’t help but think of his other little boy, the one he had never got to meet, as he looked back at Edmund.

How alike would they be? Would they both love rock music as much as Jinxx? Would Joshua, the name they had picked out for him, have thought he was just as cool as Edmund did? Would they be as close as most twins usually were? Would they have both looked the same? These thoughts ran through Jinxx’s brain as he pulled up into the line at the school and looked back at Edmund. His son was smiling, waving at a few friends who were standing on the sidewalk and Jinxx only smirked as he turned the music down and looked over his shoulder. Edmund had his Ninja Turtle backpack already slung over one shoulder and his blue eyes were shining with excitement.


“Thanks dad! You’re so awesome!” He called out to his dad and Jinxx only smiled as he watched Edmund leave the car and run up to his collected friends.


As he drove away, he couldn’t help but wonder what his life would be like if Joshua had made it…if he had lived to see the age of ten.



We were twenty-two years young then
Breaking rules all around
We were
Moving in that first apartment
It felt like it was never gonna end


Jinxx laughed as he and Melissa put the keys to their new apartment into the lock and turned. The empty space was nice-it was theirs and everything just felt really new and exciting. He kind of almost felt twenty-two again, but he knew that this was going to be different. He and Melissa, having met a few months prior, had finally decided that they were going to move in together. This was big for Jinxx because he had already given his heart away like this to someone before and that had ended terribly. But this seemed different-Melissa seemed different.

She didn’t fuss at him while he was gone-she just let him be and gave him her complete and total trust. He hadn’t broken that trust and he never planned to-he had learned his lesson the hard way and no amount of feeling like a rockstar was going to replace the feeling of loving someone. As he watched her spin around in their apartment, Jinxx felt like their possibilities were endless right now-they could do anything they wanted. Of course he could only enjoy this so much-soon enough it would be time to get out on the road again and Jinxx was actually dreading it. He would miss Melissa-he would miss their late night talks and he would miss feeling like he finally had a little family again.


“What’s wrong babe? You look so sad all of a sudden…” Melissa had stopped dancing around the empty space and now she was standing in front of him, looking up at him with those chocolate brown eyes of hers.

“Just thinking about how much I’m going to miss you when I leave for tour in a few weeks.” He said, his voice soft and she only smiled as she grabbed for his hands and began to drag him out to the middle of the floor. They had a fire place front and center in their living room-something Jinxx was looking forward to using soon.

“Well don’t think about that now!” She laughed as he spun her around and then placed his hands on the small of her back and dipped her slightly.

“I love you…” He said, his blue eyes soft as he took her in and she smiled up at him as they straightened up. Jinxx still had his hands around her waist and Melissa said nothing as she just pressed her lips against his, her tiny hands cupping either of his cheeks.

“I love you too. Now come on…let’s start moving stuff in!” She laughed and Jinxx only smiled as he felt her tug on his hand and soon enough they were heading for the door.


Jinxx stopped at the doorframe and looked around him-a place all their own…a place for them to start a family.



Both so lost and crazy
We were young so we ran
Now I live in a dream where I am
Holding your little hands
I never got to meet you, my best friend


Jinxx smiled as he carried the five year old in his arms up the stairs-Edmund had fallen asleep on the couch again and Jinxx had to carry him upstairs. He didn’t mind, it gave him some alone time with his son and as he passed down the hall he couldn’t help but look at the pictures that lined the walls. Most of them were of Edmund-his first birthday, his first Halloween and his first Christmas. Soon enough there would be pictures from school and then other events, but looking at these pictures made Jinxx sad. There should be two sets of photos-Joshua was supposed to have his own pictures up.

Soon enough Edmund’s room came in to view and Jinxx gently pushed open the door and looked around. Melissa had decorated it in a light gray and red motif but as Jinxx looked around, he couldn’t help but feel the tears come to his eyes. Edmund’s little bed was sitting in the center of the room, but really there should have been two beds in this room. He held back his sadness as he laid his son down in the bed and then Jinxx smiled as he tucked the covers around his only child. Edmund yawned and reached for him, his tiny hand touching Jinxx’s and the older man felt his tears over take him.

What would it be like holding Joshua’s hand? Would it feel just like Edmund’s? Or would it be slightly different?


“What’s wrong daddy?” The five year old asked and Jinxx only sniffed as he looked down at his son. Edmund, his blonde hair and blue eyes filled with sleep, was looking up at him with bleary eyes and Jinxx only smiled.

“Nothing pal. Just missing someone right now.” Jinxx said with a soft smile on his face and Edmund only yawned and held out his arms.

“Like who?” He asked and Jinxx only sighed as he bent down and hugged his son. He and Melissa had decided that they wouldn’t tell Edmund about Joshua-at least not until he was old enough to understand.

“Just someone who was only around for a little while.” Jinxx smiled as he pulled away and moved to tug the blankets up to Edmund’s chin.

“Why don’t you call them daddy? That’s what mommy does for grandma.” Jinxx said nothing as he just kissed Edmund’s forehead and moved towards the door.


He stopped at the frame, his tears chocking him as he wished that it were that easy. If only…



You would be ten and I'd be
Driving you to school
You would tell all your friends
That you thought I was cool
You would be out in the sun
Until it was gone


Edmund was running circles around the Biersack’s backyard and Jinxx could only smile as he watched his son play from the table on the deck. They were at Andy and Dess’ for the summer-recording yet another album and of course all of the families had come out to stay. Jinxx and Melissa were staying down the road with Ash and Kit, but most of their days were spent at Andy’s. The guys would all get in the studio while the girls would watch the kids and find things for them to do. Edmund, who was now nine, was just starting to pick up the guitar and he could be often found with his cousins Oliver and Henry, trying to get them to teach him something new.

It was so strange to watch Edmund run around like a normal boy because he was really anything but normal. Edmund had been born two months early when his twin brother, Joshua, had died in the womb and the doctors had had to operate to save Edmund’s life. This had caused Melissa to become overly protective over their only child-they would never be able to have more-and Jinxx could understand. Edmund had been given a slim chance of survival and even if he did survive they weren’t sure how much he was going to be able to function. Six months in the NICU and finally they had been able to take him home.

The surprising thing was-Edmund was just a normal little boy. He loved to run and play-he would play outside until the sun vanished from the sky-and he also loved to sit right beside Jinxx and watch him play the guitar. Edmund loved music and as the sun began to fade from the sky and the kids began to tire out, Jinxx knew that it was only a matter of time before they would all sit down to eat and then the Ferguson family would head back to the Purdy house for bed time. Jinxx looked around-Andy was at the grill, spatula in hand with Dess at his side-and finally he spotted Melissa. She had been there through everything-they had held one another up through everything and still nothing would ever be the same for them.


“Daddy…” Jinxx turned to see the Edmund was standing beside him, his right elbow held high and Jinxx could see that he had scraped the skin and it was bleeding slightly.

“Did you hurt yourself again pal?” Jinxx asked and Edmund only nodded, the tears in his blue eyes apparent. Jinxx only smiled as he picked his son up, placing him on his knee as he nodded to Melissa, who walked inside to get a band aid.


Everyone was laughing and enjoying the night and with his son on his knee and his wife by his side, Jinxx didn’t think things could get any better.



You would be watching Star Wars
With your PJ's on
And you would have
All the love in my heart
Yeah, you would have
All the love in my heart


“Come on bud-time for bed.” Jinxx said as he walked in to the living room. Edmund, Pierce, Molly and Elizabeth were all splayed out on the Purdy’s living room floor watching Ash’s Special Edition Star Wars: Return of the Jedi.

“Oh come on dad! It’s just getting to the good part!” His nine year old, still wearing his Sponge Bob PJ’s whined and Jinxx only smirked and snapped his fingers.

“You can finish it tomorrow. Come on guys-all of you need to head to bed.” Jinxx said and there were collective groans from every kid in the room as Jinxx pressed pause and they all began to gather up their pillows and blankets.

“This is so unfair. Aria and Oliver don’t have bed times anymore.” Edmund grumbled as he climbed the stairs, Jinxx right behind him. It was true that the Biersack kids didn’t have bed times during the summer, but they weren’t staying with the Biersacks this summer.

“Aria and Oli are also older than you. Now get in to bed or else no guitar lessons tomorrow.” Jinxx playfully threatened as he swatted at Edmund’s butt. The nine year old only climbed in his sleeping bag that lined Pierce’s bedroom floor and then stuck his tongue out at his dad.

“Night guys.” Jinxx laughed as he flicked off the light and soon enough he could hear Pierce’s gentle snoring. Like father, like son.


The house was quiet-Ashley and Kit had already gone to bed and Melissa had been downstairs working on some clothing line pieces for the designer she was helping out. As Jinxx walked down the hall, picking up army men and other various toys, he couldn’t help but feel slightly heart sore. What would it be like to have two nine year olds? What would it be like to have more than one child? He and Melissa had tried after Edmund had turned two, but every doctor they saw told them that their time had passed. Melissa’s body just couldn’t handle another baby and it would be cruel to make them think otherwise.

It had been hurtful, but that had made Edmund all the more special to Jinxx. They were best friends-pals until the end, but he couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like to have two best friends. What would Joshua look like now? Would he be like Edmund-who was more like his mother in personality? Or would he be like Jinxx-reserved and quiet, but fun none the less? Too bad they would never know.



You would be ten and I'd be
Driving you to school
You would tell all your friends
That you thought I was cool
You would be out in the sun
Until it was gone
You would be watching Star Wars
With your PJ's on


“Isn’t it so awesome?!” Jinxx could hear Edmund saying to some of his little friends and he couldn’t help but laugh. It was Edmund’s tenth birthday and they were having a small party at their house. Edmund had asked if he could show his friends Jinxx’s studio and of course Jinxx wasn’t going to say no.

“Dude you’re dad is so cool! I wish my dad was in a band!” One small boy exclaimed and Edmund only nodded as he pulled down one of Jinxx’s first guitars from the wall and held it in his out stretched hands.

“Yeah! My dad is just an accountant…” Another boy said and Edmund smirked as he placed the black guitar back on the wall and placed his hands on his hips and looked around.

“My dad is awesome, but all of my Uncles are also really awesome! I get to go on tour with them all the time!” Edmund bragged and Jinxx only smiled as he leaned up against the door frame and looked out over all of them.


This was always something that made Jinxx smile-he really was his son’s hero. Edmund talked about him with his classmates constantly and every conversation was about how cool Jinxx was. He had never felt like that about his own father-he loved his dad, but he never really seemed like a hero to him. Edmund was always wanting Jinxx to come in for show and tell, but sadly Jinxx was usually busy so Melissa had to go. The little girls loved hearing Melis talk about all of the clothes she worked on and the movie stars she’s worked with, but Edmund always wanted Jinxx to come in.

Sadly more and more Jinxx was on the road and was rarely able to see Melissa or Edmund, but he called them often. Everyone was finally settling down and having families, so the touring was only during the summer and winter, but that never made it any easier. He missed his son every day, but Jinxx was just happy that Edmund was in his life. Joshua, who would also be turning ten this year, had left them before they had gotten to know him, but Jinxx’s pain seemed to grow less and less.

Joshua was obviously in a better place-never meant to stick around and be with them, but Jinxx knew that he was looking down on them and he was probably smiling and thinking that he had a pretty cool dad too.



You would be playing tunes on
On your first guitar
You would be harmony to
Every single part of me
And you have
All the love in my heart
Yeah, you would have
All the love in my heart


“Come on man if you want to be good like Uncle Jake and I that means lots of practice!” Jinxx called up the stairs and all he heard in response was his fifteen year old son grumbling at him.

“Yeah, yeah.” Edmund, his long blonde hair curling around his face, said as he appeared on the stairs and glared down at his dad. Jinxx only laughed, which of course made Eddy crack in to a smile and the two guys fist bumped one another as he reached the bottom landing.

“Remember how jealous you were when Oli got to play with us on stage at Warped? Practice and maybe the next tour you can take my spot for a few shows.” Jinxx laughed as the two of them walked off into the studio and Eddy shut the door behind him.

“I know-it’s just hard.” He said as he picked up his black and red guitar and began to plug everything in. Jinxx only smiled at him as he sat across from his son and did the same. They sat in silence for a few minutes until finally Jinxx began to play a few chords and Eddy followed.


This is where the two of them felt the most at home-in the studio together with their guitars and the peace and quiet. Jinxx had taught Edmund how to play when he was about seven years old and ever since then this had always been what they bonded over. It was something for them to do and even though it brought them closer, Jinxx couldn’t help but think about Joshua-the son he never got to meet. They had finally told Edmund about his twin when he was twelve and while he was angry at them for keeping it from him for so long, he soon understood why.

There was a lot of guilt knowing you were the only surviving twin and they had placed Eddy into therapy for a year, just so that he had someone to express his feelings towards. Now, three years later, everything was back to normal, although dealing with a moody teen was never something Jinxx had expected he would have to do. He and Melissa got through it though and as he looked up from his guitar and noticed how concentrated his son was, Jinxx couldn’t help but smile.

He had lost one best friend, but he had kept someone who was so completely precious to him and that was what mattered the most.

Notes