She sits up high surrounded by the sun
One million branches and she loves every one
"Mom and dad, did you search for me?
I've been up here so long I'm going crazy!"


The old tree house that she had built with her father was swaying in the wind slightly and Christy could only sigh as she looked around. She had been up here for a few hours, her blonde hair messy and tangled from the wind but it didn’t matter. She came up here for the peace and quiet-mostly to get away from her parents and their screaming. Christy could remember a time when her parents loved one another…when they had loved her and yet it didn’t seem like that was possible anymore. All they did was fight and if they weren’t fighting with one another then they were fighting with her.

Nothing Christy did was ever good enough for them-she was a constant screw up and they reminded her of that fact every single day of her life. Her mother hated the music she listened to-it was too loud and too annoying, but it made Christy feel alive. Being a child born in the 80’s, Christy had always been drawn to rock music and that stayed true to how she was even at sixteen. Heavy black boots, jeans with holes in the knees and her father’s old flannel shirts-her mother hated the way she dressed but to Christy is was a way of expressing herself.

The yelling had finally stopped and Christy closed her eyes as the air was filled with nothing but silence. She opened her eyes, the deep blue orbs taking everything around her in and finally they landed on the one thing that gave her comfort-her blade. She had nicked her father’s old single razor and fixed it up to become the perfect little bit of Heaven. It was tiny enough to fit in the palm of her hand and yet it was wide enough to give her the perfect cut. She had never expected to start doing this to herself, but it really seemed like it was the only way. No one loved her and so Christy couldn’t really love herself…it was impossible.


“Christy?! Chris are you out here?” Someone was calling her name and Christy jumped, the razor falling to the wooden floor of the tree house and making a small clattering noise. She looked over the ledge and noticed that her mother-all prim and proper with her short bobbed hair and business suit-was standing on the back deck looking around for her.

“Just leave her alone Amber! She’ll come in when she’s ready!” Her father called out and Christy only sighed as her mother disappeared back in to the house and the yelling started up again.


Of course she would come out…eventually, but what would they do if they never saw her again?



And as the sun went down we ended up on the ground
I heard the train shake the windows
You screamed over the sound
And as we own this night
I put your body to the test with mine
This love was out of control
3-2-1 where did it go?


“Christy open the door!” CC called out to his girlfriend, but there was no answer. She had been in the bathroom for over thirty minutes and he was starting to worry. She had just found out that her parents were getting divorced after twenty seven years of marriage and he knew that it had hit her hard.


CC had met Christy at a local show in LA and they had instantly connected with one another. He had been on a break from touring but soon he and the guys would be flying out to Australia for a few shows. Christy had moved in with him within two weeks and they were already starting to talk about marriage-but now with the divorce CC wasn’t sure how she was going to feel about any of this. It had been hard enough for him to convince her that she could trust him, especially with her deepest secret-her nasty cutting habit that she kept hidden from the world.

The only reason she had told him at all was because her sides and upper thighs were riddled with scars from her teen years and she couldn’t put sex off forever. CC could remember holding her that entire night after they made love for the first time, the moon was shining down on the both of them and her tears were spilling down her cheeks and making his arms wet. He held her tightly as she told him everything-how she had started, why she had stopped and she even confessed that sometimes if she was stressed enough she would just sit in the bathroom and hold the razor to her skin, but she would never cut. That’s what he was afraid of and that’s why CC was standing right outside the bathroom door, pounding on the wood desperately.


“Christy let me in!” He shouted and he could hear faint crying behind the wood. In his desperation, CC ran back slightly and then shoved his shoulder against the door as hard as he could. The door didn’t give, but after a second time he was able to bust the door open and he was shocked at what he found.

Christy was sitting between the tub and the toilet, the razor in her right hand and her left arm was stretched out on one of her legs. There was a tiny trail of blood running down her left arm and pooling in the outstretched palm of her hand.

“CC…it’s gotten out of control…”



Now don't be crazy
Yes now of course you can stay here.
Been in a touring band for going on ten years.
"Big deal," she said, "I guess you're official."
I only said it 'cause I know what it's like to feel burned out


“Please don’t leave me…” She was holding on to him so tightly and CC could feel her fingernails digging in to his back. They were newly married-a spur of the moment thing that just worked itself out, but now he had to leave for a two month long tour. They had finished recording the album at Andy’s and now it was time again for him to leave the girl of his dreams.

“I have to Chris…it’s my job.” He said sadly as he looked down at her and noticed that she had her blonde head dug deeply into his chest. She wasn’t going to go easily and CC knew this was only going to get harder the longer they stayed like this.

“I guess that means you’re official…” She teased him as she looked up, her deep blue eyes red and sad looking. CC only smiled-she always liked to tease him about being in a touring band and her nickname for him was ‘Big Shot’.

“I know one thing that’s official.” He smiled down at her and she couldn’t help but return the gesture. What was life going to be like without him? It was going to suck, but hopefully Christy could distract herself.

“What’s that?” She asked and he said nothing as he just placed his lips against hers and kissed her deeply. His long calloused fingers wove into her curly blonde hair and CC kissed his wife with everything in him in that moment.


They loved one another-it was sudden and it had happened really fast, but deep down it just always felt right. He brought the best out in her-he was everything to her and she was everything in the world to him and it was breaking her heart to know that she wouldn’t see him every day. They had developed a cozy life together and now that life was turning in to something Christy couldn’t recognize-she didn’t know if she was going to be able to make it without CC there to pick her back up. He was still holding her and as they stood there in the airport, he really didn’t want to let her go, but he had to.


“Us…our life together. We’re official Chris and nothing is going to change that…” He was looking down at her, his brown eyes connecting with her blue ones and Christy only smiled up at him as she wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed his lips one last time.

“Don’t get too burned out and call me!” She called after him as CC began to walk away from her and it was taking everything within her not to crumble.

It would take a lot for her to not get burned out herself.



It gets you down,
We've all been there sometimes
But tonight I'll make you feel beautiful once again


Christy cried as she looked at herself in the mirror-she looked terrible. Her skin was splotchy from crying, her hair was greasy from not showering for a few days and her lip was bleeding a little bit from biting down on it too hard. She missed CC-he had been gone for a month and they hadn’t been able to talk as much as they had both hoped they would. It’s not that they didn’t talk, it just wasn’t on a daily basis and even when they did talk he seemed distracted lately. The tour was going well-they were coming home in two weeks, but Christy couldn’t help but wish it was sooner.

She missed him-she missed waking up beside him every morning and then them making breakfast together. She had gotten spoiled over the summer with him being home and working on an album-she had even stayed out in Virginia for a little while with him and really enjoyed herself. Dess, Ella and Melissa were all really nice and they had formed a pretty strong friendship. Now she was all alone and Christy could feel her urges coming back to her and she closed her eyes, willing those urges to go away. Suddenly she could hear her phone buzzing and Christy smiled as she picked it up and noticed that CC had texted her.

CC: Front door?


“What?” She asked herself out loud as she looked down at the screen of her phone and tried to think about their last conversation. Nothing about the front door had been mentioned and as Christy walked over towards the door, she could hear a light tapping coming from the other side of it.

“He-hello?” She called out and then as she reached out and pulled the door open, she had to hold in the scream that was in her throat. There, standing on the other side of their front door, was CC looking road worn and exhausted, but he was standing there none the less.

“Hey babe.” He smiled at her, holding his arms out as Christy shrieked and flew at him. He held her tightly, rubbing his hands against her back as she cried and sobbed. He had flown home for the few days off that they had-he needed to see Christy almost as much as she needed to see him.

“What are you doing here?!” She asked him as she pulled back and CC only smiled. She looked gorgeous-tired, but that didn’t really matter. He was home for a few days and he couldn’t imagine being anywhere else in the entire world right now.

“I missed you and I could tell by our phone call last night that you were feeling kind of down on yourself. So since we had a few days off and weren’t too far away, I hopped on a plane and decided to come home for some you and I time.” He kissed her then and in that moment everything felt like it was right once again.


CC was home and Christy felt whole-she felt beautiful once again.



And as the sun went down we ended up on the ground
I heard the train shake the windows
You screamed over the sound-over the sound
And as we own this night
I put your body to the test with mine
This love was out of control
3-2-1 where did it go?


“Chris what have you done?” CC asked as he rushed into the bathroom and pulled his girlfriend into his arms. She was shaking and her eyes were brimming over with tears, but CC didn’t care-he needed to hold her.

“I-I just felt like I needed some control in my life…something…” She whispered against his neck and CC said nothing as he just kissed the side of her face. He would never understand the need to inflict such pain on yourself, but CC had seen it enough in his fans to know that it wasn’t an uncommon thing.

“I know you’ve lost control of something in your life that meant a lot to you, but even you’ve told me that your parents hated one another…” He said softly and Christy only smiled softly as she held on to him with her right hand while CC tended to her left arm.


It was true-she did talk about her parents with him a lot and CC understood her hesitation towards commitment because of how her parents were with one another. They would fight and yell until they both just gave in and then they would both gang up on her. Her mother’s favorite past time was making Christy feel like shit, solely based on how she looked and the music she liked. Her father was more cruel-picking at her weight and her slight bit of acne and he would often call her piggy pizza face…right in front of complete strangers. It was a terrible life and when she had graduated high school and gone off to college, Christy had been able to really find herself. She didn’t need the razor anymore…at least that’s what she had told herself.


“You know I love you Chris and my love for you is never going to die…I’m never going to fight with you like that.” He was reassuring her, at least he was trying to and Christy couldn’t help but feel slightly better. She had dropped the razor down to the floor and she watched in silence as CC picked it up and held it out in his hands.

“This has to stop-I can’t lose you to something that I lose fans to every single day. You’re stronger than this…we can be stronger than this.” He said as he kissed the top of her head and the two of them continued to sit there together.


Christy wanted to think she was stronger than her nasty habit, but only time would truly tell if that was actually possible.



If I were you, I'd put that away
See, you're just wasted
And thinking 'bout the past again
Darling you'll be okay

And she said,


“Chris come on! You’re blowing this way out of proportion!” CC called out to his wife as she rushed around their southern California home. He had just gotten home from tour and he had found his wife passed out in the bathroom, a bottle at her feet and their young son Anthony crying in his crib.

“Fuck you!” She called over her shoulder as she rushed off towards the back bedroom, her mind on nothing but the pictures she had seen. CC, with two girls-one on each arm-smirking and hamming up for the camera…the fucking dog.

“Chris stop!” He had grabbed for her arm and when he reached out, CC couldn’t help but notice the bandage that covered up her dirty little secret. He thought they had gotten past this…he was sure that Christy had given that up when she had given birth to Anthony.


It had been an uphill battle for the two of them-with CC gone seven months out of the year and Christy being left home to take care of a new baby, but somehow they had gotten through it. Until the pictures began to show up online. She knew there had to be something and seeing CC making kissy faces with other girls and hamming it to the camera for the world to see. It was disgusting and Christy hadn’t known how to handle it. All that kept flashing through her brain was her mother and father and how badly their relationship had ended. It had been ugly and Christy had always sworn to herself that she would never be like that.

So much for broken promises.


“Babe you’re wasted…come on, let’s talk about this in the morning. I have a feeling there’s a lot we need to talk about.” He said as he pulled her towards him and held her there with his strong arms. Damn those drummers and their upper body strength.

“F-fine. But you’re sleeping on the fucking couch.” She snarled at him as Christy pulled out of his grip and slammed the bedroom door in his face.


CC said nothing, he just placed a hand against the wooden barrier and stood there until Anthony began to cry out. He knew that this was going to happen…he had just hoped that it wouldn’t be this soon.



"If you were me, you'd do the same
'Cause I can't take anymore
I'll draw the shades and close the door
Everything's not alright and I would rather..."


Christy said nothing as she taped her fingers against the top of their wooden kitchen table and she avoided CC’s eyes at all cost. He had caught her in a bad place the night before-she hadn’t expected him home for another day and she knew that would have given her time to sober up some. She had just lost complete control of herself-seeing the pictures, the tweets and the comments and the only thing she could think to do was to drink and take her pain out on herself. So she had found a bottle of vodka, downed it almost in less than a day and found her hidden stash of blades. She hadn’t cut since before Anthony was born, but now that she had started…Christy didn’t know if she could stop.


“Look Chris I know what you saw upset you and we can work through that…but cutting yourself is never going to be the answer babe.” He sounded so kind and Christy knew that what she was about to say was going to crush him. But it was the honest truth and he deserved it.

“No, no it’s not the answer…but I’ve run out of answers.” Christy said as she reached out and took his large hands in to her small ones. The baby was sleeping, thankfully, and so the couple had a bit of time to really hash things out.

“What are you so angry about babe? I-I know those pictures weren’t the best thing for you to see, but I swear-“ He stopped because Christy had dropped his hands as soon as the word picture popped out of his mouth. The look on her face was that of anger, pain and devastation and CC knew that he had fucked up.

“If you were in my position you would do that same exact thing and you know it…” She said, her teeth clenched and so it came out as a slight hissing noise.

“No. No I wouldn’t babe. You have to stop…” He was almost begging her now, but he could tell by the look on her face that Christy was past the point of caring what he thought. He had ruined it…he had done everything he had always promised her that he would never, ever, do.

“I can’t stop, not right now. I’m not making any promises of stopping because I don’t want to break those promises. There are things I would much rather do than this, but honestly this is probably the best thing for me right now.” She said as she grabbed for his hand and squeezed. She wanted him to understand-the chaos that his world brought to her life was more than she could handle, but maybe this could help her cope with it a little better.

“I love you Chris…” It was all he could say and as CC reached across the table and kissed her lips, he only had one hope in his heart.


That she would never stop loving him…that she would never stop living for him.



And as the sun went down we ended up on the ground
I heard the train shake the windows
You screamed over the sound (over the sound)
And as we own this night
I put your body to the test with mine
This love was out of control
Tell me where did it go?


CC sat at the hard wooden desk, his lawyer on the left of him and as he looked to the right he could see that his wife-soon to be ex wife-was avoiding eye contact on his right. It had come to this because Christy, apparently, couldn’t handle the lifestyle anymore, even though they were in their fifties and had been married for over twenty years. CC should have known this was coming-he had seen the hate in her eyes too many times to think that anything besides this would fall on to their shoulders, but he had always held out hope.

They’d had a good life together, a fun life filled with laughter and three kids who they loved more than anything. That was one thing he didn’t know how he was going to handle-telling the kids that he and their mother were no longer together. They had been pretending for the past five years, waiting for all of the kids to get into college and move on with their own lives until finally they couldn’t take it anymore. The separation had been what had done them in-that and Christy’s alcohol problem which had hit CC pretty hard. He knew she had coping troubles, but he had never expected her to completely go off the deep end.


“Will the parties please rise.” The judge, a balding man with slightly kind eyes, stood before them and CC coughed lowly as he stood up and straightened out his suit jacket. He was getting old-they both were and he had really hoped that they could grow old together, but that’s not what Christy had wanted and she always got what she wanted.

“After reviewing your files and petitions for a divorce I have come to the conclusion to grant your wishes and thus proclaim you no longer married. Mr. Coma, you will provide Mrs. Coma with a monthly stipend of five thousand dollars until either one of you passes on. By doing this Mrs. Coma has agreed to vacate the Malibu home you both share in two months’ time. It saddens me to see such a nice couple like you come to an end, but I have been doing this for many years and know that when two people no longer love one another, sometimes it’s just best for them to part ways. We’re done for the day, you are dismissed.” With that the judge sat back down and CC felt his heart drop.


They had loved one another so fiercely for so long that he didn’t know what to do anymore and he could understand how their love had gotten so out of control…but it had.

Notes