Savior
Chapter Twelve: The Truth Comes Out
“Jess?” Someone was calling my name. I didn’t know who, or from where; I didn’t really know anything anymore. “Jess…Jess!” They poked at my arm, shaking me side to side as they did so. My trance continued as they questioned me.
“Hey, what’s wrong? What happened?” Another one asked, chiming in from across the bus. I stared down at the cheaply carpeted floor, examining the darker areas where stains were evident. They came closer now, kneeling directly in front of me; blocking my eyes from the carpet. “Tell us Jess.” He pleaded. A hand touched my face, their thumb stroking beneath the waterline of my eye. Andy used to do that when I cried. He did that yesterday, when I found him at his house. He was such a “big, tough guy”; but his grace always astounded me.
“We broke up.” I choked out. My voice was strained from the walk to the bus. Once I was out of Andy’s sight I had escaped into a bathroom. I don’t know in what store it was, or even if I was allowed to go in. But I needed to let go of the pressure building up, and I certainly couldn’t do that in public. Not where he could see me. My cheeks were flushed, the red flooded my eyes; the rest of me completely expressionless.
I could tell the guys were confused, waiting for me to continue with more information, but I wasn’t sure how to go on. I wasn’t even sure of what happened myself, how was I supposed to explain this all to complete strangers?
It was Andy’s fault.
“Jack and I. We broke up,” I paused, collecting my thoughts. “Yesterday.” They stared at me, unsure of how to react. Who could blame them; even I remained unmoving and unaware of my surroundings. “It was our anniversary, and I was at his house.” I heard the door open as someone stepped inside—or outside for that matter—but to be honest, at that point I didn’t care who it was. I wasn’t saying all of this to inform them, but to keep myself from going insane. I had to come to terms with this myself or the thoughts would just remain jumbled in my mind forever. It would have to be pieced together at some point; might as well be now. “Andy had just called to tell me about the tour. I acted happy, but my heart was actually breaking. I was scared of losing him; the only person who knew how to hold me together when I couldn’t. I lied and said I was happy for him, when in all reality I was being selfish and just wanted him to myself. Him and Jack. But this is real life, you can’t have the best of both worlds.” My eyes dropped, as I realized what I was saying. I was being selfish, and I deserved this. I treated the best people in my life like they were nothing, and took it for granted. I was just a little brat.
“And when Jack found out it was Andy calling, he flipped. He told me to leave. He wanted me gone.” I listened to myself talking as the story unfolded, eager to find out how it all ended. “He always thought Andy liked me…” My heart sank, remembering how his lips fit in with mine. How our bodies felt entangled in each other. How his hot breath felt on my cold skin. Society was right, we were the perfect couple. Best friends as kids, romantic couple as adults. That was everyone’s dream. But they never realize that once that couple is no longer happy, the friendship is over. You can’t just take out the romantic aspects of your relationship and go back to the way things used to be. It’s just not possible.
Someone next to me put their arm around my shoulder, attempting to comfort me, but all I wanted was for all of this to go away. I just wanted me and Andy to be best friends again; to host Batman marathons, sneak out at night, go shopping together. I wanted that “Andy and Jess”, not the one that came with complications and fights and broken hearts. I just wanted the us that we used to be.
Someone grabbed my hand, someone different than who kneeled in front of me or had his arm around me. They pulled me off of the couch, rushing me into the bunk areas. They took me in their arms; their embrace shielding me from the world.
“I have always liked you,” He spoke, whispering into my ear. “But I like you better when you’re happy.” He sighed, squeezing me harder.
“Please, Jess, please tell me what I can do to make you happy.”
Look into my eyes
And write down the words you taste
Blood on your tongue with a crass embrace.
A photo kiss on the day we met said
"This will be a night we won't forget"
Speak slow now, I don't wanna miss when you cry
Glass over diamond blue eyes
And it's good enough to make me wanna fall in love
So move a little bit closer
Hear the sound of your voice
We're screaming, "Why can't we just be friends?"
It's not that easy, but it's half of the fun
To see you throw the first punch now
“Hey, what’s wrong? What happened?” Another one asked, chiming in from across the bus. I stared down at the cheaply carpeted floor, examining the darker areas where stains were evident. They came closer now, kneeling directly in front of me; blocking my eyes from the carpet. “Tell us Jess.” He pleaded. A hand touched my face, their thumb stroking beneath the waterline of my eye. Andy used to do that when I cried. He did that yesterday, when I found him at his house. He was such a “big, tough guy”; but his grace always astounded me.
“We broke up.” I choked out. My voice was strained from the walk to the bus. Once I was out of Andy’s sight I had escaped into a bathroom. I don’t know in what store it was, or even if I was allowed to go in. But I needed to let go of the pressure building up, and I certainly couldn’t do that in public. Not where he could see me. My cheeks were flushed, the red flooded my eyes; the rest of me completely expressionless.
I could tell the guys were confused, waiting for me to continue with more information, but I wasn’t sure how to go on. I wasn’t even sure of what happened myself, how was I supposed to explain this all to complete strangers?
It was Andy’s fault.
“Jack and I. We broke up,” I paused, collecting my thoughts. “Yesterday.” They stared at me, unsure of how to react. Who could blame them; even I remained unmoving and unaware of my surroundings. “It was our anniversary, and I was at his house.” I heard the door open as someone stepped inside—or outside for that matter—but to be honest, at that point I didn’t care who it was. I wasn’t saying all of this to inform them, but to keep myself from going insane. I had to come to terms with this myself or the thoughts would just remain jumbled in my mind forever. It would have to be pieced together at some point; might as well be now. “Andy had just called to tell me about the tour. I acted happy, but my heart was actually breaking. I was scared of losing him; the only person who knew how to hold me together when I couldn’t. I lied and said I was happy for him, when in all reality I was being selfish and just wanted him to myself. Him and Jack. But this is real life, you can’t have the best of both worlds.” My eyes dropped, as I realized what I was saying. I was being selfish, and I deserved this. I treated the best people in my life like they were nothing, and took it for granted. I was just a little brat.
“And when Jack found out it was Andy calling, he flipped. He told me to leave. He wanted me gone.” I listened to myself talking as the story unfolded, eager to find out how it all ended. “He always thought Andy liked me…” My heart sank, remembering how his lips fit in with mine. How our bodies felt entangled in each other. How his hot breath felt on my cold skin. Society was right, we were the perfect couple. Best friends as kids, romantic couple as adults. That was everyone’s dream. But they never realize that once that couple is no longer happy, the friendship is over. You can’t just take out the romantic aspects of your relationship and go back to the way things used to be. It’s just not possible.
Someone next to me put their arm around my shoulder, attempting to comfort me, but all I wanted was for all of this to go away. I just wanted me and Andy to be best friends again; to host Batman marathons, sneak out at night, go shopping together. I wanted that “Andy and Jess”, not the one that came with complications and fights and broken hearts. I just wanted the us that we used to be.
Someone grabbed my hand, someone different than who kneeled in front of me or had his arm around me. They pulled me off of the couch, rushing me into the bunk areas. They took me in their arms; their embrace shielding me from the world.
“I have always liked you,” He spoke, whispering into my ear. “But I like you better when you’re happy.” He sighed, squeezing me harder.
“Please, Jess, please tell me what I can do to make you happy.”
Look into my eyes
And write down the words you taste
Blood on your tongue with a crass embrace.
A photo kiss on the day we met said
"This will be a night we won't forget"
Speak slow now, I don't wanna miss when you cry
Glass over diamond blue eyes
And it's good enough to make me wanna fall in love
So move a little bit closer
Hear the sound of your voice
We're screaming, "Why can't we just be friends?"
It's not that easy, but it's half of the fun
To see you throw the first punch now
8/29/13