I can't feel anything anymore.
I promise.
It was April 2nd and the day we left for tour, to say I was nervous is an understatement , yeah I know we had a pretty great fan base and we've been a band for 2 years but it was our first headliner.
The bus left in 30 minutes so everyone was pretty much in utter mayhem getting stuff together, luckily I already did. I was sitting on the couch watching MTV waiting for bvb to show up.
" Jess!" I heard James yell from upstairs. I turned my head towards the stairs.
" what?!" I shouted
" where's my straightener?!" He called and I laughed. I was like their mother.
" bathroom cabinet dickhead!" I called back . It was too early for this, 5am, too damn early but we had to be in New York by tomorrow and I haven't slept right in a week. My minds been a wreck with worry, I recently found out that DJ was released from jail and I knew he'd be after me. Meanless to say I've been a wreck.
I jumped just as i heard the door open.
" honey I'm home!" I heard Andy call and I laughed.
" living room" I called back and Andy ran into the living room jumping on me .
" fucking hell" I cursed shoving him on the floor as everyone else came in
" morning to you too" Ashley said kissing my head.
" all packed?" Jake asked sitting in the arm chair, cc came next to me and put his arm around me.
" Yes " I mumbled leaning against cc's chest.
" aww little Jessica's tired" Ashley teased and I lifted my middle finger. They laughed just as the others walked down.
" we're gana go load the bus" they said
" here I'll help " Andy said, everyone got up except Jinxx. Cc kissed my head and followed them out leaving me and Jinxx alone. I sat back in the couch starring at the floor my mind was flooded.
Jinxx got up and sat next to me.
" Jess?" He asked and I nodded looking at him.
" what's wrong " he asked
" nothing " I said
" you sure?" He asked and I nodded again. I wanted to tell him but I couldn't.
"Jess.?" He said
" I'm fine" I said and he furrowed his eyebrows.
" oh yeah?" He asked and went for my arms that were covered by my hoodie. I flinched away and he looked at me .
" Jess.." He mumbled just as we heard the door open.
" we'll talk about this later " he said seriously standing up just as they walked in.
" alright let's go!" Ashley said and I laughed getting up. Cc came over and pecked my cheek.
" you okay?" He asked in my ear and I nodded giving a weak smile.
" great" he said and led me out of the house. We approached the busses were John and Tyler were outside waiting.
" great lets get going" John said
" see you soon" cc said and kissed my lips.
I nodded and walked on the bus watching Jinxx as he looked at me. I was in for it. We got on and the guys instantly went to set up video games.
I chuckled and made my way to the bunk area.
" wake me up and you die" I muttered walking past them. They laughed and I crawled into the bunk leaning against the pillow starring at the wall that I put pictures of me and John on it.
I felt the bus start to move and i laid down letting sleep take over me.
I woke up at 3pm from another nightmare and I sighed into my pillow grabbing my phone. I had a message.
Cc- you okay baby?you seem off.
I sighed, I haven't told them that DJ was out , they'd worry too much.
Me- I'm fine, just tired I haven't slept well lately.
Cc- how come you aren't sleeping, nightmares?
Me- yeah, pretty much, also I can't sleep alone
Cc- well how about you stay on our bus after we stop and ill keep you company so you can get some sleep sound good?:)
I smiled, I loved him.
Me- sounds great:)
I started scrolling through twitter when my phone buzzed again. This time it was a call from jinxx . I sighed and answered.
" hello?" I asked into the phone.
" just letting you know that when we stop me and you are talking hear me?"
" jinx can't we just forget , I'm fine leave it alone" I said into the phone shifting in the bunk.
" yeah sure , your fine, so if I lift those sleeves up I'm not going to find cuts all up your arms?" He asked with a bit of sarcasm.
I remained quiet
" yeah thought so, listen we're stopping at a rest area in about 5 minutes, were going to take a walk and talk, I love you" he said and I sighed
" I love you too.." I mumbled and hung up. Great.
I checked my messages again.
Cc- yay!:) were stopping soon, can't wait to see your beautiful face
I laughed and put my phone down . I rolled up my sleeves and saw them covered in scars, new ones and old but mostly new. My paranoia has gotten the best of me over the situation.
I rolled them back down and got out of bed and walked to the front to see we already where there. The guys were sitting down.
" finally let's go!" Matt called and they shuffled out I laughed and followed them out. We were in front of a rest stop with a McDonald's so as you can imagine , Matt ,cam,James and Sean were already running towards it. I stepped off just ass cc grabbed me from behind.
He set me down and kissed my cheek.
" hey" I said kissing his lips he smiled just as the others came over.
" food, now" jake said and I laughed.
" me and Jess are going to take a walk and talk " jinxx said and they gave him a questionable look.
" oh okay, have fun" Andy said kissing my cheek.
" your coming on our bus after right?" Jake asked and I nodded
" yay!" Ashley yelled and I laughed
" go eat"
They all took off towards the food place leaving me and jinxx.
" let's go" he said putting his arm around me and walking. We started walking to the back of the place and towards a path in the woods ,we walked in a little ways and he stopped. I was not looking forward to this. He stood in front of me.
" come on" he said holding his hand out. I was shaking and I shook my head.
" Jess.. Come on" he said and I stood still.
" please I just want to see, come on you know I love you" he said and I sighed.
" might as well just take my sweatshirt off " I muttered and he looked at me. I took my hoodie off leaving me in my short sleeve shirt with scars going all up my arms.
" holy shit.." He muttered his eyes growing wide.he stepped close to me and brushed across my arms.
" Jess.."
" he's out" I said blankly staring at the ground"
" what?" He asked confused and I sighed
" jinxx, Djs out" I said and his eyes grew wide.
" fucking hell" he cursed.
" I just , I'm so scared , he's going to find me, he's been in my dreams and I just can't handle it" I said tears falling down my cheeks. He bought me into a tight hug.
" Jess, we aren't letting anything happen to you, hear me? He's never hurting you again if our life depends on it, you really shouldn't hurt yourself over it" he said an released my hug rubbing my arms.
" remember our talk in the studio 2 gets ago?" He asked and my eyes widened.
" jinxx.." I protested
" Jess you need help, you can't keep living like this"
" jinxx one more chance" I pleaded.
" je-"
" one more please" I begged and he sighed
" you have one, hear me one, ill be checking everyday, and when we get on the bus your telling the guys" he said and my heart sunk again.
" but ji-"
" no buts" he said and I sighed.
He gave me a tight hug.
" let's get back okay?" He asked and I nodded putting the sweatshirt back on and following him out. We walked back to black veil brides bus and went on seeing everyone there.
" everything okay? You we're gone for nearly an hour" Andy said
" not really, Jess has something to tell you" jinxx said sitting next to jake. Andy was next to him and Ashley and cc were on the other one. I sat next to cc.
" what is it?" Andy asked and I looked at jinxx and he nodded towards me.. I sighed and started unzipping my sweatshirt.
" what'-" jake started but was cut off when I took the sweatshirt off. They're mouths all dropped and Andy grew pale.
" holy fuck.." Ashley muttered
" Jess" cc muttered and I looked at him tears slowly brimmed his eyes.
" why?" He asked
I looked to jinxx and he nodded
" Djs out .." I said slowly . I felt cc tense.
" what?!" Jake asked and I nodded.
" your kidding right?" Andy asked and I shook my head just as I felt the bus move.
" wish I was" I said and cc Brought me into a side hug.
" I swear on my life I will never let him get you okay?hes never going to touch you again" he muttered into my neck.i nodded and leaned into him.
Jake slowly stood up and walked in front of me taking me arms.
" Jess.. "
" don't worry jinxx already cut me the riot act" I said chuckling slightly. They smiled and jinxx smiled
" I told her if it happens one more time then she's getting help" he said and they nodded
" I agree" Ashley said.
" please, no more" Andy said wiping my eyes that had tears down them.
" I'm tired can I go to sleep?" I asked and jake nodded. I stood up and cc followed me into the bunk area. I climbed Into his bunk and he followed behind me putting his arms around my waist.
" I know why you haven't been Sleeping now" he said chuckling softly and I nodded .He looked down and started tracing my bare arms. I looked up at him and saw tears in his eyes.
" cc.." I mumbled
" your so beautiful, I can't say it enough your the most amazing girl ever, I love you so much and it kills me to see this , please stop it, your not only destroying yourself but me also, all of us, I love you so much, and I swear to god ill protect you with me life okay?" He asked and I nodded shocked. He brought his lips to mine and then wrapped around me tight and I leaned against his chest tears falling down my face.
" promise me you'll stop" he said into my neck crying.
" I promise" I whispered back . He let go slightly and brought his head to mine. He smiled weakly and kissed my lisp roughly.He pulled away and put his head on mine.
I rested my head on his chest and relaxed my breathing.
" I love you." I said and i felt him smirk against my hair.
" I love you so much" he said back.
The bus left in 30 minutes so everyone was pretty much in utter mayhem getting stuff together, luckily I already did. I was sitting on the couch watching MTV waiting for bvb to show up.
" Jess!" I heard James yell from upstairs. I turned my head towards the stairs.
" what?!" I shouted
" where's my straightener?!" He called and I laughed. I was like their mother.
" bathroom cabinet dickhead!" I called back . It was too early for this, 5am, too damn early but we had to be in New York by tomorrow and I haven't slept right in a week. My minds been a wreck with worry, I recently found out that DJ was released from jail and I knew he'd be after me. Meanless to say I've been a wreck.
I jumped just as i heard the door open.
" honey I'm home!" I heard Andy call and I laughed.
" living room" I called back and Andy ran into the living room jumping on me .
" fucking hell" I cursed shoving him on the floor as everyone else came in
" morning to you too" Ashley said kissing my head.
" all packed?" Jake asked sitting in the arm chair, cc came next to me and put his arm around me.
" Yes " I mumbled leaning against cc's chest.
" aww little Jessica's tired" Ashley teased and I lifted my middle finger. They laughed just as the others walked down.
" we're gana go load the bus" they said
" here I'll help " Andy said, everyone got up except Jinxx. Cc kissed my head and followed them out leaving me and Jinxx alone. I sat back in the couch starring at the floor my mind was flooded.
Jinxx got up and sat next to me.
" Jess?" He asked and I nodded looking at him.
" what's wrong " he asked
" nothing " I said
" you sure?" He asked and I nodded again. I wanted to tell him but I couldn't.
"Jess.?" He said
" I'm fine" I said and he furrowed his eyebrows.
" oh yeah?" He asked and went for my arms that were covered by my hoodie. I flinched away and he looked at me .
" Jess.." He mumbled just as we heard the door open.
" we'll talk about this later " he said seriously standing up just as they walked in.
" alright let's go!" Ashley said and I laughed getting up. Cc came over and pecked my cheek.
" you okay?" He asked in my ear and I nodded giving a weak smile.
" great" he said and led me out of the house. We approached the busses were John and Tyler were outside waiting.
" great lets get going" John said
" see you soon" cc said and kissed my lips.
I nodded and walked on the bus watching Jinxx as he looked at me. I was in for it. We got on and the guys instantly went to set up video games.
I chuckled and made my way to the bunk area.
" wake me up and you die" I muttered walking past them. They laughed and I crawled into the bunk leaning against the pillow starring at the wall that I put pictures of me and John on it.
I felt the bus start to move and i laid down letting sleep take over me.
I woke up at 3pm from another nightmare and I sighed into my pillow grabbing my phone. I had a message.
Cc- you okay baby?you seem off.
I sighed, I haven't told them that DJ was out , they'd worry too much.
Me- I'm fine, just tired I haven't slept well lately.
Cc- how come you aren't sleeping, nightmares?
Me- yeah, pretty much, also I can't sleep alone
Cc- well how about you stay on our bus after we stop and ill keep you company so you can get some sleep sound good?:)
I smiled, I loved him.
Me- sounds great:)
I started scrolling through twitter when my phone buzzed again. This time it was a call from jinxx . I sighed and answered.
" hello?" I asked into the phone.
" just letting you know that when we stop me and you are talking hear me?"
" jinx can't we just forget , I'm fine leave it alone" I said into the phone shifting in the bunk.
" yeah sure , your fine, so if I lift those sleeves up I'm not going to find cuts all up your arms?" He asked with a bit of sarcasm.
I remained quiet
" yeah thought so, listen we're stopping at a rest area in about 5 minutes, were going to take a walk and talk, I love you" he said and I sighed
" I love you too.." I mumbled and hung up. Great.
I checked my messages again.
Cc- yay!:) were stopping soon, can't wait to see your beautiful face
I laughed and put my phone down . I rolled up my sleeves and saw them covered in scars, new ones and old but mostly new. My paranoia has gotten the best of me over the situation.
I rolled them back down and got out of bed and walked to the front to see we already where there. The guys were sitting down.
" finally let's go!" Matt called and they shuffled out I laughed and followed them out. We were in front of a rest stop with a McDonald's so as you can imagine , Matt ,cam,James and Sean were already running towards it. I stepped off just ass cc grabbed me from behind.
He set me down and kissed my cheek.
" hey" I said kissing his lips he smiled just as the others came over.
" food, now" jake said and I laughed.
" me and Jess are going to take a walk and talk " jinxx said and they gave him a questionable look.
" oh okay, have fun" Andy said kissing my cheek.
" your coming on our bus after right?" Jake asked and I nodded
" yay!" Ashley yelled and I laughed
" go eat"
They all took off towards the food place leaving me and jinxx.
" let's go" he said putting his arm around me and walking. We started walking to the back of the place and towards a path in the woods ,we walked in a little ways and he stopped. I was not looking forward to this. He stood in front of me.
" come on" he said holding his hand out. I was shaking and I shook my head.
" Jess.. Come on" he said and I stood still.
" please I just want to see, come on you know I love you" he said and I sighed.
" might as well just take my sweatshirt off " I muttered and he looked at me. I took my hoodie off leaving me in my short sleeve shirt with scars going all up my arms.
" holy shit.." He muttered his eyes growing wide.he stepped close to me and brushed across my arms.
" Jess.."
" he's out" I said blankly staring at the ground"
" what?" He asked confused and I sighed
" jinxx, Djs out" I said and his eyes grew wide.
" fucking hell" he cursed.
" I just , I'm so scared , he's going to find me, he's been in my dreams and I just can't handle it" I said tears falling down my cheeks. He bought me into a tight hug.
" Jess, we aren't letting anything happen to you, hear me? He's never hurting you again if our life depends on it, you really shouldn't hurt yourself over it" he said an released my hug rubbing my arms.
" remember our talk in the studio 2 gets ago?" He asked and my eyes widened.
" jinxx.." I protested
" Jess you need help, you can't keep living like this"
" jinxx one more chance" I pleaded.
" je-"
" one more please" I begged and he sighed
" you have one, hear me one, ill be checking everyday, and when we get on the bus your telling the guys" he said and my heart sunk again.
" but ji-"
" no buts" he said and I sighed.
He gave me a tight hug.
" let's get back okay?" He asked and I nodded putting the sweatshirt back on and following him out. We walked back to black veil brides bus and went on seeing everyone there.
" everything okay? You we're gone for nearly an hour" Andy said
" not really, Jess has something to tell you" jinxx said sitting next to jake. Andy was next to him and Ashley and cc were on the other one. I sat next to cc.
" what is it?" Andy asked and I looked at jinxx and he nodded towards me.. I sighed and started unzipping my sweatshirt.
" what'-" jake started but was cut off when I took the sweatshirt off. They're mouths all dropped and Andy grew pale.
" holy fuck.." Ashley muttered
" Jess" cc muttered and I looked at him tears slowly brimmed his eyes.
" why?" He asked
I looked to jinxx and he nodded
" Djs out .." I said slowly . I felt cc tense.
" what?!" Jake asked and I nodded.
" your kidding right?" Andy asked and I shook my head just as I felt the bus move.
" wish I was" I said and cc Brought me into a side hug.
" I swear on my life I will never let him get you okay?hes never going to touch you again" he muttered into my neck.i nodded and leaned into him.
Jake slowly stood up and walked in front of me taking me arms.
" Jess.. "
" don't worry jinxx already cut me the riot act" I said chuckling slightly. They smiled and jinxx smiled
" I told her if it happens one more time then she's getting help" he said and they nodded
" I agree" Ashley said.
" please, no more" Andy said wiping my eyes that had tears down them.
" I'm tired can I go to sleep?" I asked and jake nodded. I stood up and cc followed me into the bunk area. I climbed Into his bunk and he followed behind me putting his arms around my waist.
" I know why you haven't been Sleeping now" he said chuckling softly and I nodded .He looked down and started tracing my bare arms. I looked up at him and saw tears in his eyes.
" cc.." I mumbled
" your so beautiful, I can't say it enough your the most amazing girl ever, I love you so much and it kills me to see this , please stop it, your not only destroying yourself but me also, all of us, I love you so much, and I swear to god ill protect you with me life okay?" He asked and I nodded shocked. He brought his lips to mine and then wrapped around me tight and I leaned against his chest tears falling down my face.
" promise me you'll stop" he said into my neck crying.
" I promise" I whispered back . He let go slightly and brought his head to mine. He smiled weakly and kissed my lisp roughly.He pulled away and put his head on mine.
I rested my head on his chest and relaxed my breathing.
" I love you." I said and i felt him smirk against my hair.
" I love you so much" he said back.
Notes
Hey hope you enjoy:) I also have 2 other stories- as you fade into the night and - my feet are dangling off the edge check them out if you'd like:)
Hey whens the update I'm in love with this story and you haven't updated in like 2 months plz plz plz update soon
5/14/14