The whole day went by and nothing special happened, all of the boys had their attention on me and I thank them for that, it’s so very sweet of them. Also this guy that I knew in high school (before I dropped out), Anthony, he started texting me again. We dated for like two months and then I left and for some reasons we stopped talking. Talking to him again made me feel good, he is a nice guy, we cared for each other, he probably was my first real boyfriend, or the only one I can remember since I can’t even remember the name of the guy I had my first time with. Pathetic.
Anthony was the kind of guy you could count on, I slept at his place so many times because I could not stand my mom. In two months we slept together a few times, he made me feel good about myself, we gave each other pleasure and everything was absolutely perfect. But we both knew it was most certainly not love, maybe a very special friendship, two friends dating, that’s just what happened.
He texted me to know if I was okay, I explained my situation and said that everyone was fine. That my mom was okay. He doesn’t need to know what’s going on and I don’t need one more person to feel sorry for me, maybe he’ll hear it one day, I don’t care anyways.
We talked for a good two hours or so, it freed my mind, a kind of fresh air.
I decide to seat beside Andy, searching for a hug, I really do need one right now. As always, without talking he understand me and takes me in his arms, I feel a little warmer. It feels very cold to loose your mother.
“Wanna eat something ? We have some pizzas in the fridge.” He asks me. I reply no while holding him still, I don’t wanna let go. I hear them talking but hey seem really far away, I am lost with my thoughts again. I am picturing her on the bathroom floor, her throat full of vodka and her hand full of pills. I don’t want this in my head.
I feel nothing. Completely numb. Too much pain killed the pain.

I decide to go outside a little bit, breathe in, breathe out. I take out a cigarette, light it up and see Ashley getting out the bus. He looks kind off surprised, I haven’t smoked in 6 months. I felt like it would help, but it’s obviously not. He sits beside me in the dark.
There is a weird tension between us, something very… sexual? I look at him, and I think he noticed it even if we can’t see anything. I throw the end of my cigarette on the floor and I feel his hand touching my back, going all the way down my back and under my shirt. I grab his head with my two hands and kiss him.
We separate quickly, the pain in my chest is back. I leave him outside to go in my room. I close the door behind me and almost fall on the floor.
Yeah I think it’s different with Ash but how am I supposed to know right now? Too much happening, I am not trying to figure anything out tonight. I lay down on my bed, earphones in my ears blasting some music out loud.

At 1am I am still not asleep and here knock on my door. I open and see Ashley. “Come in” I say.
“I am sorry for what happened earlier, I didn’t mean to do that…; He begins to say
- Well I kissed you so you don’t have to feel guilty for anything.
- Yeah but today is not a good day for you and I feel like I somehow abused you.
- You didn’t Ash, I am 18, I am fine, I mean not really but I will be. I meant what I did, I think.” We looked at each other fr a long time and just like two magnets, we kissed, and one thing lead to another, we ended up having sex. It was nice, I probably needed this, I think that we have enough responsibilities to know that the both of us needed this.
We fell asleep pretty quickly, at least before Ash’ could go back to his bunk.

“ASHLEY IF YOU ARE IN THERE WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A SMALL TALK” Andy wakes us up by screaming so loud I have never heard this in my life. I soon understand why he may be screaming. I look at my phone, it is 10 am and the both of us are still naked, I put on a short and a shirt pretty quickly, he does the same thing. I open the door to face the angriest Andy I have ever seen, he pushes me and jumps on Ash’ : “Why the fuck do you think you could sleep with Lena?! Do you think she is your fucking sextoy?!”
- Andy you better get off of Ashley! I am 18, why are you acting like this?! I start screaming too.
- He can’t do that! He is using your vulnerability! He is using you!
- Of course not! Why would you think that?
- You lost your mom Lena.
- So what? So I can’t do whatever I want? Here or not she has no power over me and neither do you.” He is almost crying, I can see it in his eyes. I don’t even know what put him in this state of rage. It did scare me.
Everything seems weird since we got on that tour bus, everyone is acting strange, as if I did set a bad mood, or a bad vibe.

They both leave my room and I close the door behind them. I don’t know where I am emotionally.

Notes