Consume Me

Chaotic is exactly how I would describe my life by now. I barely know myself, I am a stranger to my body and a visitor to my mind. I am my worst nightmare. I look like my mom, more and more, days after days. The one person I never looked up to is my mirror.
I am taking some time to breathe, put myself together (or at least try) and I join the boys to the front of the bus.
“Guys, we should go to the mall, or the movie theater or something, we didn’t get a good start for this tour” I assumed. Since I made things bad, I wanted to make things better. They all agreed with me, since we were already in Miami where the tour was supposed to start, and it was only starting tomorrow, it was a great opportunity to take some time for all of us.


Miami is looking like a really great city, malls are big, and I love big malls. This idea I had was a good idea, everyone is in a good mood, even I am in a really good mood, which is pretty miraculous considering I lost my mom yesterday, I am slowly understanding that yes, she was probably toxic to me.
After spending a few hours there and talking to all of the boys about anything and nothing, just to forget about our problems, we start to walk back to the bus, but Andy grabs my arm and stops me : “I wanna talk to you quickly Lena” He says, He is still worried about what happened last night.
“Yeah sure, what is it? I ask
- Are you okay?
- I am obviously not, Andy, I lost my mom.
- So why did you sleep with Ashley?
- Because we both felt something in that moment, and it was just a very strong tension between us. Why would that be a problem?
- I care about you Lena, just like I would care about my sister. I know that you’ve got no one today except for us.
- I am good Andy, if there is anything more happening between Ash’ and I, I’ll tell you. I love you Andy, thank you so much.
- I love you too Lena” We ended this conversation in a hug. I am happy to have Andy. He deserves all the love ever. I’ll have to admit that I am not careless when he brings girls in his bed too, but I don’t scream in their faces. Maybe he knows Ashley too well, and it’s true Ash’ is the kind off guy that likes bimbos, you know big tits and all that… This makes me think it’s weird we slept together, I am a flat kind of girl.
We arrived to the bus after a 30 minutes walk, it is now 1:30 pm, before entering the bus, I want to smoke a cigarette, I take one of my pack, light it up and take a first puff, I kinda like the burning feeling, it comforts me. Andy joins me and we start smoking in silence, both lost in our thoughts.
“I can’t remember when was the last time I looked up to my mom, like you know, if I ever saw her as my role model; I begin to say.
- You never looked up to your mother.
- Maybe I did, maybe I am like her after all.
- Lena! You are exactly the opposite of your mother! You are kind, caring, always trying to comfort everyone, look you even cared for the person who was beating you.
- Maybe my mother was like this before you know, and she just got destroyed.
- You are not like her Lena, look at me; I dived into his ocean eyes; You are a whole different person, don’t put yourself down like this, you are so annoying!
- I love your eyes.” We started laughing, yeah maybe I do overthink everything, but I am really concerned about becoming like my mother. I can’t stand this idea, I hope to be her good side, the part that I never saw of her.
We finished smoking and went back into the bus, Jake was taking a shower, CC was watching a movie, Jinxx and Ash’ were talking about a new album. That’s not an information they would share with me, but they don’t mind talking about it in front of me. We are all very young but things are going on pretty fast, especially for them, Black Veil Brides is becoming a very serious band, something big. I am so proud of them for that, and also grateful to be able to live this experience with them. This tour if officially their first world tour, it will give them real recognition, actually their first album isn’t out yet, I heard a few songs about it and it’s pretty fun so far, they didn’t even signed with a record deal, but this should be done at the beginning of 2009, which is next year. It’s actually pretty fun to follow a band like this!
I decide to sit beside CC, he is watching Scream, this movie isn’t bad but it’s not absolutely amazing. I admire CC a lot, he always has good pieces of advice for everyone, he is by far the funniest around here.
In the corner of my eye I notice Ashley staring at me, I am still feeling this kind of connection, we probably have to talk about it. I just hope that I am not falling for him.

Notes

Okay so I don't really know exactly where I am going with this so far, but I am actually feeling pretty good about my story so far. I realized that the ages of the boys were way too young lmao big mistake but I don't wanna change it, so I hope that what I wrote makes sense.
Maybe You did notice that I deleted the older story I wrote like a year or two from today, I just hated this story, nothing was making sense, the cringe was too hard and I was making so many mistakes at the time it hurts my eyes. I know thta it had a pretty good note but still, I just couldn't see it around anymore. I was writing sex scenes at 15 as if I knew what it was.
Whatever, hope you stick around with this and enjoy this story, byyye