The Cost Of Winning

FIANNA'S POV :

Ash clears away the dishes after the three of us finish lunch , and as he loads the dishwasher , he asks , "Did either of you have anything particular you wanted to do today ?"

"Miki and Ryan had their appointment yesterday , and she said she's going to stop by in a little while and show me the ultrasound picture ." , I reply . "Why , did you need to go somewhere ?"

"No , I was just thinking that maybe we could start trying to put together your website . If you still want to , that is ."

"Sure , we can do that after Miki leaves . No point getting started on it just to have to stop in the middle of everything . Is that good for you ?"

He takes Bren out of her high chair and says , "Sounds like a plan to me ."

"You and Mommy is going to pway wif 'piders , Daddy ? Why you's do that ? Them is ucky !"

He looks thoroughly confused , and says , "I didn't say anything about spiders , did I ? Why would you think that , sweetie ?"

"Cause you's tell Mommy yous wants to makes webs , and that wheres them wives , wight ?'

He chuckles a little as he finally understands . "No , Bren , not those kind of webs . The ones I want to do are on the computer . I'm going to help Mommy make a place where she can show people all of the nice things she makes , so they can buy them and wear them ."

"Mommy's pwetties am hers job now ?" , she asks . "Them is wots more nicer than making words , and her wikes it better too , me thinks ."

"Yes , you're right , Smidge , I do like it better ." , I tell her . "And that means I get to spend more time at home with you ."

She finally lets Ash take her to the sink and wash her hands and face , then she heads off to her play area and starts putting together one of her puzzles . She's been doing pretty well in the last week since we got out of the hospital , anybody who didn't know about the operation probably wouldn't realize that she'd ever been sick . We still have to watch her to make sure she doesn't do anything that would hurt the incision area , and the only reason we haven't had to fight with her about her medicine is because Ash can hold back on her music lessons . She threw a tantrum and refused to take it the second day we were here , but he took her guitar and her keyboard and told her she wasn't going to get them back until she took it .

We still had to hold her down to get her to swallow it , but when he locked them up in his closet , she figured out that he meant it , and actually cooperated after that . He told me later that he hated doing it , but since it's the only thing that works right now , he knew he had to , since she's still too little to understand how important it is . I just wonder what's going to happen when she finally figures out that she's going to have to take it for the rest of her life ?

I guess it's a good thing that little kids apparently recover from these things faster than adults do , because my stomach is still pretty tender . I called the hospital yesterday and talked to Dr . Reser , and he said that's pretty normal with this type of surgery , and that if it doesn't get better by the time I'm through with my prescriptions , to make an appointment with my regular doctor , but he thought it should be fine .

I get up from the table and head into the living room , to sit on the couch and finish up the last bit of Jake's guitar strap , so I can have Ash take it to the post office tomorrow . Juliet has had hers since about the time Bren got sick , and Jinxx got his last week , so this is the last one , and I can start working on some more stuff I can put up on the website .

I've just finished attaching the suede backing , and I'm weaving in the stray thread ends when the doorbell rings . "Me can opens it , Daddy ?" , Bren inquires , starting to walk across the living room .

"Make sure you know who's there first , Bren . You know the rules ."

She grabs the doorknob and yells , "Who it is ?"

"It's me , Smidge !" , Miki says from the other side of the door . Brenna turns the lock , and opens the door , then hugs Miki around the knees .

"When you's new baby comes out to pway wif me ?" , she asks , as Miki detaches her and moves toward the couch .

"Not until July , hon . And babies can't play for awhile after they're born , anyway . They're too little and they don't know how to walk or talk ." she informs Bren . "So it'll be longer than that , actually ."

"So , did you find out what flavor you guys are getting , or did you get a side view , like I did with her ?" , I ask , as she sits down next to me .

Ash comes out of the kitchen and says hello as she pulls an envelope out of her bag and hands it to me . I open it and pull out the picture , then just sort of gape at it for a few seconds .

"What's going on , Fi ? Are you okay ?' , Ash inquires , and Miki takes the printout from me and hands it to him . He looks at it , then a grin spreads across his face , and he says , "Yeah , he always was kind of an overachiever ."

"What it is , Daddy ?" , Bren chimes in , tugging on his pantleg . "Me wants to see ."

He picks her up and shows her the picture , saying , "See those bigger dots , sweetie ? Those are Aunt 'Kaela's babies ."

"Two babies ? Can's the ubber one pway , then ?"

We explain that no , they can't , and she finally decides to go back to her puzzles , while Ashley heads for the music room for a bit , telling Miki to let him know before she leaves .

When he leaves the room , she looks over at me and asks , "So , is everything going okay so far ? He's keeping an eye on you guys and everything , right ?'

"Yes , everything's fine , Mik . He hasn't been out of the house since we got back unless somebody else is here , he doesn't even go in there for more than thirty minutes at a time . I actually feel kind of bad , to tell you the truth . He's supposed to be in LA , actually doing his job , and he can't , because he has to babysit us . I wish I could get it together and find another place , so we wouldn't be in his way , and he could actually do what he needs to do ."

She just stares at me for several seconds , looks around to make sure Brenna is still playing with her toys , then says , "Fianna Chandler , I know you probably better than just about anybody else , and I call bullshit ! Yeah , maybe you actually feel that way a little bit , but that's not really why you're in such a hurry to get out of here . You've actually fallen for him again . And don't try to tell me otherwise , because I know better ."

I don't say anything at first , but she just keeps looking at me , until I finally crack , and say , "I'm not sure that 'again' is even the right word , Mik . I honestly can't say for sure that my feelings ever really went away . And even though I know things can't ever be like they were before , and I know he was bored and wanted to move on , I can't talk myself out of it . Right now he's so much like when I first met him that it just all comes back , no matter how hard I try to make it stop ."

"Have you said anything to him about it ?"

"God , no ! You know as well as I do that he's only doing this because of Smidge , if I did something that stupid it would ruin everything ! We've finally managed to put together a friendly relationship , and if he knew that , I doubt it would hold up . I can't risk having him distancing himself from her because I can't control my feelings , she adores him , and that would absolutely break her heart . And if that has to happen , I'd rather it be me than her , I know how to deal with it ."

"Crap , I was afraid this was going to happen , Fi . Maybe he's not as much of a dick now as he was then , but things are heading right back in the same direction as they were before . He gets to go on his merry little way , and you get hurt . It fuckin' sucks !"

"But this time it's my own fault , not his . I knew better , and I let it happen anyway ." , I say quietly .

"To be honest , I was kind of surprised that things have been going this well . I half expected you to call and say that he'd gone wandering off somewhere and left you two here by yourselves ."

"Daddy don't go somewheres and weft we , Aunt 'Kaela ." , Bren pipes up from her play area . "Him pwomise that hims will took care of we , and him don'ts say wies to me , because him wuvs me . Him telled me that when Ivy's mommy wented byebye ."

"Well , as long as Daddy keeps his promise , Smidge , that's good ." , Miki replies , and Bren goes back to her puzzle .

We talk for a bit more , then I notice that Bren is starting to nod over her toys , which means that she's ready for a nap . And since I'm feeling a bit sluggish myself , I decide to join her . Miki walks to the bedroom with us , and gets Bren into bed , then says that she'll call me later , and goes to let Ash know that she's leaving .

I get into bed and try to get comfortable , but I'm having a bit of difficulty today . I must have moved the wrong way or something , because my incision has gotten awfully sore . I just hope I didn't pop a stitch or something .

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ASHLEY'S POV :

I'm in the music room , jotting down some notes for a song idea I had , when I hear a tap on the door . I look up and see Miki standing there , just sort of staring at me .

"Are you heading out now ?" , I ask .

"Yeah , they both decided to lay down for awhile , so I'm leaving ." , she replies . "But there's something I want to talk to you about first , if you don't mind . Bren said something a little while ago that sort of concerns me , and I just wanted to be sure we're clear on it ."

I put down the notepad and sit down , because something in her tone sort of bothers me . "Sure thing , Miki . What did she say ?"

"She said that you've promised her that you won't ever lie to her , because you love her ."

It takes a few seconds to process this , and I finally manage to reconnect my mouth to my brain and ask , "And would you mind telling me why the hell that would concern you , Miki ?"

"Because I stood right in front of you and listened to you say the exact same fucking thing to Fianna !" , she practically hisses at me . "And we all know how that worked out , don't we ? The last couple of months you were together , that was pretty much all you did ."

"Huh ?"

"Don't even try that with me , Purdy ! 'I'll be home in time for dinner , hon .' , 'I'm sorry I worried you , Fi , I won't shut off my phone again .' Or how about , 'I don't go to the strip clubs anymore , babe .' Any of those ring a bell ?"

"What the hell are you talking about with the strip clubs ?" , I ask , even though I have a sinking feeling that I already know .

She snorts , and says , "If you really want to get away with something like that , you need to be sure to keep your drunk - ass friends off of social media , dude . She had something like twenty - seven notifications before she finally turned off her phone . That was when I decided that I had no use for you , when you blew off what should have been one of the biggest nights of her life to go drink shots from between a pair of plastic tits . "

"I'm sorry , Miki , but I really have no idea what you mean by that ." , I tell her .

"Why does that not surprise me ? Sorry , but I'm gonna let you figure that out for yourself ." , she says , and walks out .

I stand here for several minutes after she leaves , racking my brain trying to figure out what the fuck she meant , and it finally ocurrs to me to go dig out my old journals . I head to my room and pull them off of the back closet shelf , grabbing the one I need and sitting down . I remember the time she was talking about , it happened a couple of weeks before we split up , so I start flipping pages , and when I finally find it , I know exactly why she was so pissed off . The entry I'm looking at reads , "Great time at the club last night with Danny and Jeff . Much more entertaining than that awards banquet Fi wanted to drag me to . I guess it must not have been that big of a deal anyway , she hasn't mentioned it yet ."

I stare at the words , barely able to absorb what I wrote , and then I remember her telling me once that the university filmed all of those kinds of things . I grab my laptop and go to their website , then type in the date , and it links me to the video . As I watch , I realize that this is the same award that CC said his cousin is up for , and that it's apparently pretty big .

I watch as the camera moves around the room , and see Fianna and Miki several times , sitting at a table , with an empty chair on the other side of Fianna . As the video goes on , I see her expression changing from worried , to disappointed , while Miki just looks increasingly annoyed . Then they call her name , and she goes up to accept the award , but there's no smile on her face like all of the other winners had , just sadness , and so much hurt that my chest tightens up .

After she goes back to the table , I see her pull out her phone , and tears actually start trickling down her face , so I know what she saw . They get up and leave , but then I see Miki double back to the table . I'm not sure why , until I see her pick up the plaque that Fi had left on the table .

What the hell was I thinking ? I skipped out on watching someone I loved more than anything be recognized for her accomplishments , and for what ? To watch a bunch of bimbos pull off their clothes and get hammered with my buddies . I ruined it for her , she just left the damn thing on the table like it didn't even matter .Why the hell did I do that?

I start flipping back through my journal , and finally manage to pin down when everything started going downhill . It was her nineteenth birthday , when I went back on my promise to take her to a concert she'd been hyped - up about for weeks , and took her to a basketball game instead . I remember my birthday , when she said that it was my day , so we could do whatever I wanted , but I hadn't even considered showing her the same courtesy .

Something my Nan told me once pops into my head . She said , "The secret to having a good relationship is for each person to put the other first ." But I finally realize that the problem was that we were both putting me first , and it feels like someone has their hand in my chest , squeezing my heart .

Why had she even stayed with me as long as she did , when I was making such a complete ass of myself ? And why had I done it ? I can't even answer that one myself right now . I was completely head - over - heels for her , I'd even been thinking about proposing , so why had I seemingly been so hell - bent on ruining things ?

As I sit here trying to undo the knot my brain has tied itself into , I'm suddenly interrupted by something that makes me go cold .

Brenna , screaming at the top of her lungs , "Daddy ! DADDY ! HELPS !"

I shoot out the door, heading down the hall as fast as I can , because I realize that what I'm hearing from my daughter isn't a tantrum , or something of that nature .

It's sheer , absolute terror .

Notes