His Secret

I quickly grabbed my lunch tray, politely smiled to the group, and then started walking towards the table in the back with Andy. I felt so small and frail when I walked next to Andy. I stood at only five foot three and he towered over my small frame like a graceful giant. He strode alongside me with the power of a warrior and the grace of a dancer, while I toddled like a child, trying to keep up with his long glides.

Andy sat down across from me and smiled a toothy grin. He had big white teeth that lined up perfectly, and bright blue eyes that felt genuine. I wish I had taken a picture of that smile… that way I could stare at him for hours…

and hours…

and…

“So tell me about yourself, James.” I was quickly interrupted by Andy’s deep voice. His voice was strong and powerful, but his words were delicate.

“What do you mean?” I asked softly.

“What do you like to do for fun?” He smiled again as I picked at my salad. He seemed genuinely interested in me and what I liked. I just couldn't wrap my head around why. Why was he being so nice. Why was he so interested in me? What did he know. He had to know something.... right?

We started talking about video games, movies, Tv shows, even our celebrity crushes at one point. It was nice being accepted for a change rather than bullied or abused. I knew I should be keeping my guard up. I knew that there was a possibility that this was all some big plan to get close to me… and then break me. I knew in my head that this was dangerous and that I shouldn't trust Andy… But every time he smiled at me… laughed at one of my jokes… empathized with one of my stories… the rose coloured glasses thickened. My instincts told me to run away and never look back, but the glimmer in his eyes just kept pulling me back in.

I know he is toxic…

but I keep breathing in.

Weeks went by. Every day I would go through my classes, read the books and work out the problems, then sit next to Andy at lunch. Sitting with him soon became the highlight of every day. I would count down the hours, minutes, and even seconds before lunchtime. We became very close and quickly bonded over the love for music and other fun activities and hobbies. We went out on the weekends, followed each other on all social media platforms, and even joined a few after school classes so we could spend more time together. Eventually, after Andy and I became good friends, we started sitting with his friend group. I felt like I had a place where I was accepted.

I felt normal. A word that has never been a part of my life is now dancing around my tongue. I'm normal. I wanted to scream it to the heavens.

I, James Fallen, am normal!

I actually felt like just a normal teenage guy for a change. I had friends, I was happy, getting good grades…

life seemed to be perfect.

Well, until Andy invited me to spend the night.

“Come on J-man!” CC whimpered and begged for me to agree to go to the sleepover at Andy’s. J-man was my ironic nickname that the guys gave to me after we started hanging out on a regular basis. As silly as it sounds, CC knows I’ll do anything for him if he flashes those big brown eyes and calls me by my nickname. Sadly, this wasn’t those times.

“I-I can't. I promised my Uncle I’d help him with his taxes.” I said, lying through my teeth.

“Math is your worst subject. You and I both know you aren't helping anyone crunch numbers. What's wrong?” Jinxx replied, looking at me with his motherly gaze. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't tell him. I couldn't tell any of them. If I were to spend the night, they would definitely find out. I had to stand my ground. I couldn’t let them convince me that it was a good idea. I couldn't let the shade of the rose glasses fool me again. As much as I love them, I can't let them know.

“Nothing is wrong. I have just to study tonight. “ I said, shoving a big piece of lettuce in my mouth. I get salad everyday at lunch. I am a proud vegetarian and I love my green leafy goodness. Yet, it isn't the best thing for me since I want to bulk up. I'm a short and scrawny teenager who looks like he is five years old. It's my worst insecurity. I just feel so frail compared to the other boys.

The other boys were metal where I was wood. They had steel eyes and brass bones where I had pale orbs and flowered edges. I didn't feel like a real boy.

But what is real?

A really real reality that is off in the distance. A reality that is spiraling into the sun so it can crash down onto your hopes a dreams in fire ball of horror and agony. A reality where you are grounded, but not six feet under. A place where you can't fall in love, because it is a twenty foot drop.

“Then how about this Friday? It's the Friday before spring break so nobody has any big tests or homework. Come on J-man!” CC continued to pester me, breaking me from my thoughts.

Maybe if I stay awake… or if I keep them hidden in my shirt… or…

No.

I can't do this. No way. There is no way I can do this without getting caught. But t how can I back out now? I'm all out of lies. It was obvious I was making up excuses. They won't let it go now. I couldn’t back out. If I did, it would just be cause for suspicion.

I had no other option.

“Fine. This Friday it is.” I smiled a bright smile, and went to throw away my food wrappers.

Notes