His Secret

“What was his problem?” Jake muttered, sitting down like nothing had happened. That was the last straw for me. He was being a dick to James just because he was in a bad mood. I've held my tongue long enough.

“Maybe it's your shit attitude Jake! He did nothing wrong. Just because Lisa dumped your sorry ass doesn't mean you can take it out on other people!” Jake looked at me shocked. I've been silent this entire time, listening and watching… then I say that to him.

Fucking Hell.

Lisa was Jake’s girlfriend of four years. Jake got drunk a few weeks back and woke up with a stranger in his bed. Lisa said she was tired of his bullshit… and left. Jake has always been a stubborn asshole, but when Lisa left, it hit him hard. Jake looked at me like I had just killed his first born child. He knew he was being overly jerky, and everyone else knew he was hurting. The rest of the group just stared at me. I was honestly waiting for Jake to punch me square in the nose. I wouldn’t blame him either. If I didn’t want to get my ass beat, I had to make up an excuse to walk away.

Then it hit me. No, not Jake’s fist of fury. I thought about James. Why did he run away? Was he okay? I'm sure he is petrified right now. I saw him run into the bathroom. This could be the perfect reason to walk away. It could also help me find out more about him. That strange... yet beautiful British boy.

“I should go check on James.” I say breaking the silent stares.

“Andy. Leave the poor guy alone!” Jinxx said, grabbing my arm. Ever since James came along, Jinxx has been very protective. I still can’t put my thumb on the reason why… but that just made me want to investigate even more. I shrugged Jinxx's hand away and started walking. The guys just stared at my in awe, wondering what was going through my mind. I just hope James is okay…

*James's POV*

“Come on pretty boy. What are you hiding?”

“LET ME GO! SOMEBODY HELP! HEllpp… help…

“Help… Help…H-Help.” I rocked back and forth on the floor of the stall. My breathe was quick and panicked, tears flooding down my face. It was hard to breathe with this… this thing on my chest. Did he touch it? Did he know? Why does it feel like everything is going wrong?!?
I hugged my knees tight and tried to shut my eyes, but every time my lids closed, I could see those two men. I could see the blood on the floor and I could feel their touch… Then I heard a deep voice followed by the hollow sound of shoes on tile floor.

“James?” The voice questioned. “It’s Andy. I just came to talk.” This is it… they know. My last chance at a normal life.. Gone… all with the flick of a finger. I tried to steady my breathing as he came closer, but couldn’t manage it.

“James. Are you having a panic attack? Please. Just let me help.” I've heard that kind of voice before…

Just let me help…

The doctor’s that didn’t hate me, the very few of them there were, said that to me. They wanted to help me. They wanted to fix me. I didn’t need that from Andy. I didn’t need that from anyone. I'm unfixable.. Unhelpable. The pills and shots did helped for a while… I won’t lie. But they were artificial happiness. It didn’t change what I had done… It didn’t change how people saw me.

Andrew was at the stall door now. I saw his shoes from under the door and heard him knock politely. “Please. Just let me know you're okay. James…” Before I could catch my breathe and tell him to go away, I saw him get down on his knees, and slide under the bathroom door.

I scooched back a bit, now nuzzled into the corner of the room. I closed my eyes and counted to ten in my head. I curled my body up as small as possible and let the stimulating sounds and smells heighten themselves and etch into my memory. Everything was spinning and shaking as my breathing became harder and harder.

“I’m here to help you. It’s okay. This will be over soon.” Andy spoke in a calm voice. I soon felt his arm drape over me and hold me as I rocked back and forth. Normally, if anyone touched me or went near me when I was having a panic attack, it would make it five-hundred times worse. But when Andy did it… it started to stop. My breathing slowed and the tears that were once pouring from my eyes slowed their pace and came to a stop. “That’s it. Calm down. I’m here.” Andy stroked my back and held me tight until I was alright. Normally, these episodes can last hours, but with Andy, it took about twenty minutes.

Once I was calm and felt okay, I raised my head to look at Andy. My eyes were puffy and my cheeks were as red as a tomato. I looked up at his blue eyes and his winning smile and practically melted. In that moment, I wasn’t worried about a secret or people finding out who or what I was… All that mattered was a super attractive and smart guy was holding me and making sure I was okay. Why did he care about me? Why didn’t he just make fun of me or beat me up like everyone else did? Did he even know?

“T-Thank you…” I mumbled out, breaking my gaze to stare at the disgusting floor. The floor had a mix of ball hair a urine all across it. Can't they just fucking aim?

“It’s no problem. I’m sorry about Jake. Are you sure you are okay?” Andy asked as he stood up and grabbed my hand, pulling me to my feet. Did Jake find out? Did he tell anyone? If so, how was Andy being to calm? I’m a freak! Maybe this is a trick… I should watch my back. No matter how attractive he was...

*Andy’s POV*

When I first walked in a herd James, I knew it was a panic attack. I used to get them all the time and I knew how awful it felt. I just… I just wanted to help. I stepped closer and closer to him, eventually sliding under the door to sit by him. I sat with him for twenty minutes, holding him and telling him it was alright. His small frame reminded me of that of a woman’s. He was shaking like a small dog on the way to the vet. I felt myself growing attached to him more and more as the seconds turned into minutes and the minutes quickly became timeless.

“Yea. I’m fine. I’m sorry about all this. I have bad anxiety and I guess Jake just kind of set it off. “ He said after I helped him back onto his feet. I knew this wasn’t just a normal case of anxiety. It felt like much more. James has been nervous all day and seems to be hiding something. Maybe that’s the reason I’m so obsessed with him. And was he apologizing? Why was he sorry? He was saying he was sorry for Jake’s actions. Can this guy be any nicer?

*James's POV*

“Please, don’t be sorry. Look, I've seen you around and noticed you have been stressed. I’m so sorry about the guys. Let me make it up to you.” Andrew smiled as I went over to wash my hands. He talked sweetly to my reflection in the mirror and I tried to avoid eye contact. How was he going to make it up to me?

My mind started to wonder as I rubbed soap over my hands. *Day Dream*

“How will you make it up to me?” I asked, turning to him after drying my hands with the paper towel at my right. Andrew pinned me against the wall, soft, yet firm. “W-What are you doing?” I asked as he pinned my arms above my head.

“Making it up to you.” He said with an evil smirk. Before I could fumble out my next reply, he began kissing and nibbling my neck. I let out a few soft moans as he moved onto my collar bones. I arched my back slightly, our bodies forming a perfect fit to the puzzle. He nipped and sucked until I had hickeys all down the side of my neck. Then, before I could let out another moan of pleasure, his lips collided with mine in a smooth and passionate kiss. Andy freed my hands and began to let his fingers graze my sides as I locked my fingers in his hair. He then bit my bottom lip, sucking on it as he pulled away.

“James... James… Are you okay?”

“Yes…” I replied to the now familiar and deep voice, quickly pulling myself away from my gay thoughts. This boy was going to be trouble. He is so attractive and sweet, but I know it’s not smart to fool around with him. He is probably straight anyways. “I umm… I’m sorry. What did you say?” I asked, looking at Andrew as I felt my face get hot.

He chuckled lightly and said, “ How about we sit together for the rest of lunch? We can be away from the boys and have some time to get to know each other. “ Oh fuck. What do I say? I can’t decline his offer after he was so nice to me. But What if it’s a trick? What if he found out about me… Or even worse, what if I say something stupid! There is a lot that could go wrong… but the raging boner in my pants made my brain mouth function.

“Sure. That sounds great.” Well. I’m screwed.

Andy smiled and grabbed my hand. I know it was a friendly gesture, but his touch made my heart pound. I wanted to like him. Hell, I wanted to love him. But guys like him don’t like guys like me. He was probably straight and had a girl on his arm already. I know he had a good life going for him, I would just screw it up. It’s not worth him finding out about me. Because he found out… he would have no reason not to crush me.

I was just a few seconds away from the door when I stopped. What if this was all some joke… What if someone was out there ready to beat me up or expose me… How do I know I can trust Andy?

“I promise it’s okay.” That’s how I knew. Once Andy told me it was okay and directed his soft eyes at me… I didn’t care if I was about to be beaten to death, or even if everyone in the world knew my secret. It was all worth having someone care for me… even if it was just pretend.


Andy squeezed my hand lightly, proving to me once again that whatever was behind the chrome bathroom door was no more frightening than my own reflection looking back at me. He lead me out of the bathroom, quickly pointing out an empty table in the back by the trash cans. I could barely focus on what he was saying, because all of Andy's friends were staring at us. It felt like the entire room was staring, even though it was mostly just a few wandering eyes and the four boys at the table by the window.

“We are just going to go grab our trays, and then sit at the table in the back. I won't let them say anything or hurt you. I promise.” Andy smiled over to me and started a proud strut over to the table. The nerves were welling up in my stomach, bubbling and churning. I felt like I was going to be sick. What if they say something to Andy? Did Jake find out?

I stayed close behind Andy as we walked up and grabbed our trays. We were about to walk off when Jinxx spoke up.

“Why are you two leaving? You okay James?” He said as the group turned their attention towards me. None of them seemed to know anything. I let out a heavy sigh of relief once I realized they knew nothing about my secret. Jinxx looked worried about me sitting with Andy. As relieved as I was to see that they knew nothing, I felt like there was something about to happen to me that would be good reason to be worried… but what?

"Yea... I'm fine." Or atleast I hoped I was...

Notes