Burnout.

So, at some point I guess I must tell tell you about my terrible history with relationships.

Well, of course I don’t have too because i’m writing this, and you are reading because you want to read. So listen to me.

So shocker, just like everyone in this generation, I like woman and I like boys.

Let me describe my feelings:

When I was younger, only a couple years ago, My sister married a guy after dateing him for a couple months. He was nice, but maybe too nice too me. I seen the way he looked at my ass in when I wore a dress. I knew he likes the way my boobs were just starting to will my bra. And fuck it creeped me out. But I was thirteen and careless.

He tried to rape me in my sleep,
And suceeded in doing so.
But I woke up.

I didn't tell anyone at first, How can I even begin to imagine ruining my sisters true love? How can I even Imagine how she would hate me afterwards? But two more times of that creeper touching me, And the disgust that I felt with myself, I had to tell someone.

And I did.
And He went to prison,
And I was fucked up.

Fucked up real bad, at thirteen, That's when everything started.

Although I didn't let that stop me from dating boys, it did make my relationships with boys harder. It's not like I don't think about his touching me every single day, It's not like i can vividly remember how the bedsheets reeked of cigarette smoke, it's not like he was disgusting, I promise I am fine. I promise. But I do like boys because they totally make my heart flutter, And when I fall for one, I fall hard. Ironically, these are the same reasons I hate them

And besides the fact that nothing good has ever happened to me in a presence of a male, I crave their affection. I long to be held in the arms of a man, who wants nothing but what I have to offer him, who sees my ugly ass and still wants to kiss me every morning.


As for girls, I guess maybe I’m the one doing the damage. When I’m dating a girl i'm not so reserved and shy. I have the control, because I know exactly how to treat a girl. They deserve to be treated like princesses, They deserve flowers, They deserve love and for someone to be faithful. However, I’m really shitty at doing all of these things half the time and I have commitment issues.

I guess the big difference is me, because I will give a boy my whole world and more. But girls, Girls are hot, and I guess in that case i'm the douchebag.

And most the time when I’m alone in my room, I want a girlfriend, Someone who will be there for me like a sister, but I could kiss? Who knows?

I guess I’m just confused.
Girls/Girls/Boys right?

Andy walks over to me sitting in the corner of the room, I glance up and see him standing over me “This place is lame dude, Wanna head out of here?”

I nod still shaken up from from the male who approached me earlier, take his hand to lift myself off the ground. I smile and he smiles back like we usually do, I call it the look. The look is something we subconsciously do all the time. It's just a smile, it's just a deep look at each other. His big blue eyes get so wide for a moment staring at me, I just want to take him into my arms right there.

But you can't kiss gay guys,
And I really don't plan on spending the rest of highschool alone.
So we leave the real world where I feel most at home, we leave the destruction and cross our way over to high school. I won't tell anyone about the man who gave me his number, I don't have anyone to tell. Besides of course Andy, but I don't need him lecturing me about this one.

Seriously I can handle it on my own.

I text him the next morning.

Hey

Wait, Is hey not enough?

Hey ;)

Oh come on maple you're not a slut.

Hey :)

Better.
Send.
Fuck.

Hello Princess.

FUCK FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK

Whats up?

Nothing much, Where do you live sweetheart. I’m coming over. Now.

Notes

Sadly, This story is my diary. This is the way I cope with all the shit that has happened too me, I share, Anyone wanna share?

I seen The Wonder Years last night, I feel like shit. I want to die.