Novocaine Hearts

Riley's POV

On the inside I was screaming, crying, raging.
I was not a person I knew.
On the outside I was cool, calm, collected.
In the morning, I picked Ashley up from the hospital; swiftly helping him gather his things and pack them into the cab.
He watched me with curious eyes. Like he was trying to decipher my thoughts.
Ashley kept his somber mood up until we were thousands of feet up above the country.
5 hours in an confined space...
"So, you still haven't patched things up with Jake?" He said, placing his hand on top of mine. His arm grazing my cuts underneath the sleeve of my pullover.
"I'm just not ready to forgive him..." I said, looking down at our hands.
"You gotta forgive him sometime" he gently squeezed my hand.
"I know... I will, just need more time."
Ashley readjusted himself in his seat and tried to stretch his neck.
"Do you want your neck pillow?" I asked, already standing up to get it out of the over head compartment.
"Sure."
I passed it to him silently, hoping he wouldn't ask too many more questions, but I knew that wouldn't happen.
"So, can we continue our conversation from last night?" The words making his eyes turn hard.
This was touchy.
"What conversation?" I said, playing dumb.
"You said you needed a break... a break from what?" His voice stern, not trying to show emotion.
I thought from a minute before I spoke.
"I was just thinking about taking a break from... life... "
"Life? What the hell do you mean?" His eyes narrowing.
"Just thinking I might take a step back from..." my wrist kept flicking, trying to pry the words out, but I couldn't think of them. "The point is, I want to simplify. Just focus on the bar for a while. Keep the stress to a minimum" I sighed. "It's kinda another reason why I don't want to come with you guys to the UK."
"But you always come with us" Ashley whined, his eyes melting like chocolate.
"I'm sorry, I want to stay out of the music scene. Haven't you noticed that my stress and anxiety had been like a hundred times worse since I started?"
"I suppose... How have you been feeling anyways? Are you happy to go home?"
I could tell Ashley was prying. He was looking for something, he just wasn't sure what.
"Yeah... I can only spend so long with everyone in the same house. Besides, as soon as you were hurt I wanted to take you home" I said, taking his hand back in mine.
I leaned my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes.
Ashley seemed to let go of our conversation, but there was something in the back of my mind.
"Ash, can I ask you a serious question?" I said without moving.
"Of course."
"Do you think I need therapy?" I said in a whisper.
"Where did you get that idea?"
"Kimber suggested that I should think about it..."
"Are you thinking about it?" Ashley said, moving so he could see my face.
"I don't know... maybe. Do you think I should?" I asked, unsure of the answer I wanted.
Ashley looked stunned. "Umm, Riles..." he sighed. "I have to be honest... I asked Kimber to bring it up... I think you need therapy. You've gone through a lot of loss in your life and I don't want you to lose more time stressing over things that don't matter at the end of the day. I love you and I just wanna see you happy" He spoke in a soft murmur, his expression full of worry and care.
I felt like crying...
"I'll do it..." my smile wavered with nerves.
"You sure? I'm not pushing this, I just wanted you to think about it" Ashley assured me.
"No, I think I need to... If I want to be happy, I need to..."
Ashley's face looked at ease. "I love you. And I will do everything I can to help you" he said kissing my forehead.
I had to tell him what I did.

We were finally home.
Our Playboy mansion never seemed so welcoming.
I refused to let Ashley take the suitcases and told him to just rest while I unpacked.
As I sorted through our stuff Ashley watched me.
He refused to take off his beanie while in public, that hid the scar on his forehead. I could tell he was worried about it.
"Ashley, the scar will heal. Give it time" I called to him as he stared into the bathroom mirror
"I know. It just looks weird" he said, coming to stand in the doorway.
I stopped what I was doing and just gazed at him. I had to be luckiest girl in the world, but it doesn't mean I was happy.
"What?" Ashley tilted his head.
"I have something to tell you..." I hung my head.
"Whats wrong? Are you okay?" He rushed to me, placing his hands on my cheeks.
"I've been... really depressed lately... Everything has just been getting to me and the thoughts just accumulating in my head... I needed a release... I feel so ashamed about it..."
My heart seemed to sink into my stomach and my eyes filled with tears of regret.
"What happened?" Ashley questioned, sitting on the bed.
I couldn't look at him. My eyes darted everywhere else in the room.
"Riley..." I felt Ashley take my hand a squeeze it tightly. "I'm here for you."
His other hand reached up and curled around my neck to pull me in for a kiss. He held my gaze for a moment and then I took a deep breath before I removed my top.
I looked down at my bandaged arm.
It didn't click for Ashley right away. "What happened?" He immediately caressed my arm.
"I... happened..." I said, with lack of better words.
Ashley started to unwrap the bandage and he cringed when he saw my skin.
A lump rose in my throat and I could feel that hot wave of emotion spreading.
"Y-you cut yourself..." his voice cracked.
I simply nodded, unable to speak.
Ashley stood and wrapped his arms around me.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry... I hate this" I sobbed into his chest.
"Riley, this is so dangerous. When did you do this?" I could hear the fear in his voice.
"Last night."
Ashley continued to hold me and kiss me.
"I will never let this happen to you again. I'm glad you want to get help. I think you know that you need it" his voice starting to crack more with sobs."I'm not losing you."

Notes

I'm not sure about this chapter... I might change it... don't know yet.
Riley and Ashley will always be weakness. I love writing about them.
And I thought I wouldn't be able to HA! Jokes on me.
Seriously though. What do you guys think?
-Tina xx