Novocaine Hearts

Riley's POV

I couldn't stop.
It was like a train inside my head, going full speed ahead with no brakes.
Every negative, harsh, depressive thought whirled through my mind and I couldn't make it stop.
So, I found myself once again standing in front of the bathroom mirror, razor in hand.
I was so against this. All of my body was telling me no, this is wrong.
Then, why had I come to this?
The years of disappointment, not being able to forfill the one thing I've always wanted. Not being able to give Ashley everything he deserves. Being in a feud with people that are meant to be my friends.
It was all getting too much. How was one person meant to deal with this?
And now, the miscarriage...
I had my chance and I fucked it up.
So, I'm here again, with a razor in hand.
I just want the thoughts to go away.
*knock knock knock*
"Riley, I'm Kimber... Can we talk?" Her voice sounded soft.
I took a deep breath and slipped the razor back inside my phone case.
I could feel the sweat on the back of my neck; she would want to know what's going on.
I opened the door slightly, enough for her to see my face.
"Hey" she said, giving me a small smile.
"Hey, whats up?" My voice sounding shaky.
"Well, I haven't really had a chance to talk to you. Since Ash has been hospital you've been... a mess..." she spoke, choosing her words carefully.
I sighed and opened the door to let her into my room and shut it behind her.
"A mess is putting it lightly Kimber" I said, leaning against the wall and sinking to the floor. Kimber sat on the bed, facing me.
"Well, Riley I can understand. I know you've been going through a lot lately... Ashley... told me..." she eyed my stomach.
"Of course he did..." rolling my eyes, trying to be mad so I wouldn't cry.
"Why didn't you tell me?" She said, her face seemed to droop with curiousity.
"I don't know Kimber. All of you guys always seem to feel sorry for me, for one reason or another and I... I just couldn't deal with this one. I thought, just tell the one person who actually needed to know and that was Ashley. It was the most painful thing I've ever had to do..." I could feel my eyes filling with water, making Kimber's figure blur.
Kimber didn't say anything for a minute. It looked like she was trying to decide what she wanted to say next.
"W-what did you mean when you said 'I need a break' to Ashley?" She stuttered, looking like she was gonna cry herself.
It felt like a spear going through my heart as Kimber said the words.
"It physically pains me to think about that... but, I... I need a break... from everything. I just can't decide whether I want to leave the country or stay in LA and just focus on the bar" I sighed.
Kimber looked confused. "W-what do you mean leave the country?! With or without Ashley?!" The words coming out with anger.
"Without..."
"You can't... You wouldn't! I know you, y-you love Ashley too much. You would never do that to him!" Her eyes starting to fill with tears.
"And you're probably right. I do love him too much. Ashley is all I've got. I'm just telling what's been going through my mind... It's been a hurricane of bad thoughts... they aren't leading me to a great place..." I said, looking at the tattoos on my wrists.
"Riley... have you ever thought about therapy? I feel like you bottle so much up and in times like these, you explode and you can't handle it. I think you could use the help" she stated, almost like a therapist would.
I couldn't help but roll my eyes. "I don't think a shrink is gonna be able to solve the math problem in my head. I'm just fucked up" I shrugged.
"Please think about it... Anyways, I better let you get some sleep. What time are you flying out tomorrow?" Kimber asked, standing up from my bed.
"Umm, bit before noon."
"Okay, well I'll see you in a few days then" she opened the door, but paused. "Oh, umm, Tegan has been asking about you. She hasn't seen you all week" Kimber said, giving me sad eyes.
"I'll organise a day when you get back" I said, weakly smiling.
"She'll love you for it" Kimber smiled and ducked out of my room.
"And I'll be hating myself every minute of it" I said under my breath.
I couldn't take it anymore. The thoughts.
I ripped the case off my phone, taking he razor in my palm. Locked myself in the bathroom once again and stared at a blank space just below my elbow on my inner left forearm.
I closed my eyes and pressed the edge of the razor on the skin. I took a deep breath in, filling my lungs.
As I drug the blade across I imagined all the bad thoughts spilling out with the blood.
The pain was almost a relief. I felt lighter.
So I repeated the action again. And again. And again. And again...
My eyes finally opened, tears spilled out.
There was so much blood.
It ran down my arm, between my fingers and dripped onto the floor. It made little rivers in the grout, running into the drain.
Sobs started to shake my body.
"What have I done?" I whispered to myself.
I lowered myself to the floor, my eyes unmoving from the spots of blood. It made me too scared to even look at my arm.
The thoughts still spun in my mind and it was like OCD kicked in and I had to clean the mess.
I could have been scrubbing the floor for hours, but it didn't get any cleaner. The blood seemed to have stained the grout between the tiles. I had to leave it and hope no one noticed.
The blood around my cuts dried up, so I washed off the excess and covered it in a bandage.
How was I going to explain this?

Notes

TO BE CONTINUED BY RILEY

I felt the need for the warning cause this chapter itself is dark and actually gives me anxiety.
Like this actually makes me feel really sad. I'm hoping I can convey that across to my readers, hopefully not too much, but yeah.
Feedback would be good atm.
Feel like I've been a little lost with this story for a while, so not sure if you guys like the direction its going, so yeah.
-Tina xx