Heart of Fire

I saw the fall before I could do anything. I hate those milliseconds of time where you see something bad happening and you feel so helpless. You know that you can do nothing but you still feel responsible because you were the first to see the disaster.

He was one hundred feet away and I was still, not even making an effort to save him. The huge ladder fell on him instantly severing his spinal cord and he was dead before he hit the ground. I could hear my scream from a distance but I could feel my throat, it was like it was being torn to pieces. Screaming his name. Jackson.

I woke up with my hair sticking to the back of my neck. What the hell? I hadn’t had a dream like this since just after my parents died. I absolutely hate death, I love to mock him every chance I get. Tonight was his chance to mock me. He knew how easily he could break me with a single swipe.

My life has been robotic. I wake up, I drink until I don’t care anymore, I go on stage and pretend like I’m having a great time, and then I just lay in bed the rest of the time. I’m not depressed, I’m just empty. Or that’s what I’ve been convincing myself. I’m not exactly sure if there’s a difference anymore.

I stumble out of my bed because it’s just not comfortable anymore, and of course it’s covered in my sweat. I need to see him, I know that he will destroy me, but if I don’t see him then I will destroy myself.

Stupid I know, but I feel an attraction that I can’t help and I’m getting annoyed with him. I change out of my pajamas into something a bit better and start to their bus. It’s almost three in the morning but I don’t care. I don’t care about anything.

I knock on the door loud enough to wake them up if they are asleep. I hear some rustling and after a moment a bleary eyed Andy opens the door. “Hey I’m sorry but we were- “ his eyes go wide and his mouth hangs open a little longer than necessary and I roll my eyes.

“Um hi Skylar what are you doing here? Not that I don’t want you here or anything, but I’m just surprised.” He says with a crease between his eyebrows.

“I’m here for Ashley, I’m not going to confess my love for you Andy.” That was harsh, but again, I don’t care.

“Oh, well he’s not here right now but you could wait here if-“before he finishes his sentence I walk in and make myself at home on the couch.

“You’ve changed.” He says looking concerned, I’m sure that I look just glamorous at the moment.

“Yes I know, I’ve learned not to care.”

“But isn’t that why you’re here?”

Damn, he got me. I just shrug it off and don’t respond I don’t feel like coming up with a good excuse. And perfect timing before the silence gets awkward in strolls Purdy and his next girl. I don’t say anything and left him see me first. When he does his reaction thrills me. He literally stops dead in his tracks and removes his hand from the girl’s waist.

“Get out.” He says in a raspy voice.

“Awe no greeting? I see you’ve moved on quickly enough.” I flash him a smile.

He shakes his head in disbelief, “I said get out.”

I wasn’t expecting him to welcome me with open arms or anything but I wasn’t really expecting this. His jaw was clenched and he was very obviously tense all over.

The girl was standing still looking very confused which honestly I found completely hilarious. I glanced in her direction, “You should probably get out.” Neither of them protested and she silently slipped out of the bus to who knows where.

Andy shook his head and went to the kitchen; he knew it was going to be a while. “What are you doing?”

“I came for an explanation.”

“Why would you need an explanation? You just left without telling me anything and completely ignored me.”

“You didn’t make an effort to find out.” I said as calm as possible.

“What are you talking about?! I came by everyday and Jackson responded and wouldn’t let me talk to you!” his voice began to rise, not out of anger, but frustration.

“That’s impossible. He would have told me.”

“Well obviously he didn’t. I talked to Nikki too and she said you were getting out of control. I begged Jackson to let me see you but he wouldn’t budge. I just thought I must have done something because I always-no never mind. I don’t need to tell you that.” He said crossing his arms.

“So, are you saying that I should trust you, the person whom I haven’t heard a word from for the past two weeks over my own brother?”

“I’m saying choose who you trust wisely, there’s something strange going on.”

“I’ll agree with you on that one.” I said and walked out of the bus. The repair of our relationship isn’t going to come as easily as I thought.

Notes

"People never change, they just become more of who they really are."
*Tumblr quote of the day* :)