They Can't Stop Us From Our Freedom

I don’t remember much from that night. To be honest, I’m glad I don’t.

“Where am I?” I asked the person next to me when I woke up.

“You’re in the tour bus, remember? Warped tour?” Who was this strange voice lying next to me. He had a weird accent and a raspy voice kinda like Matty Mullins, but I can only be dreaming that I woke up next to him.

“HOLY SHIT MY HEAD!” I yelled.

“OW, WHY’D YOU YELL?!”

“Who-who are you?”

“It’s me, Matty, don’t you remember?”

“What happened last night and why am I-oh my god did we?”

“You went to the kick off party with Andy and he left you with me. Then we got a little drunk, you more than me, and you begged me to come back to your bus with you, and well, yes, we did.”

“Oh god, where’s Andy?! I need to find him, shit my head hurts, where’s the Advil?”

“I don’t know but I better get back to my bus before we leave. I guess, I’ll see you around, my number’s in your phone if you ever wanna, ya know, do that again. It was nice.”

“Uh, yeah, sure. Okay bye.”

I shut the door immediately behind him and ran back to the bed to fix it all up. I knew it was wrong I shouldn’t have done that. That’s when the realization set in. First my brother, now sex while I was drunk. Why would I do that? How could I be so stupid? I needed the blades and I needed them now. I didn’t care that I just had sex with one of the sexiest band members alive. All I could think about is my brother and how it felt when he did it and if it felt like that last night. The sad part to this all is that I would only have a negative memory of sex because I can’t even remember what it really is like. I decided never to drink again, and, if possible, to hold out on sex until I find someone right for me, which will never happen. I probably won’t even be able to keep my promise not to drink.

I sat in the bathroom crying for the next half hour before Andy came in and found me sitting there blades in one hand, tissues in the other.

“Windy what the hell, oh my god, what happened?! Give me those!”

“I knew going last night was a bad idea…you shouldn’t have left me alone.” I said between sobs.

“Matty texted me last night saying that you were really drunk and he was taking you back to the bus just to be safe at around 11 or 12. By the time I came back it was 2 or 3 and you were asleep, I didn’t want to wake you.”

“Yes, Matty offered to buy me a couple drinks and I went a little overboard. I begged him to come back to the bus with me and I guess I got a little carried away, I didn’t know what I was doing, I don’t even remember most of it--wait a second, Matty texted you?! He wasn’t drunk? No way...Andy I can’t remember anything he--he roofied me he came back with my first drink and that’s the last thing I remember...”

“Wait, what happened?”

“We—we had sex or he raped me or something I can’t even fucking remember,” I burst into tears. “All I can think about now is how it felt with my brother and how horrible it was and I don’t remember it last night I don’t know what to do. I just--I just wanna go home.”

“WINDY! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT LET HIM DO THAT? I BROUGHT YOU ON THIS BUS THINKING YOU WOULD BE RESPONSIBLE AND THIS IS HOW YOU BEHAVE? YOU DIDN’T EVEN PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT YOU WERE DRINKING?! I can’t believe you…I—I have to go. I’ll see you later. We leave at 3. Don’t be late…”

“Andy, wait.”

“No, I have to go.” He left slamming the door behind him.

I shut the door to the bathroom and slid down the wall onto the floor crying. Why would he even say something like that? This isn’t even my fault. After a couple minutes I went back to my bed and fell asleep.

Andy came back at 2 and woke me up.

“Windy, are you alright?”

“Go away, aren’t you just here to yell at me about how I’m such a fuck up.”

“No, I’m not. That was wrong of me. You asked me not to leave you last night and it was me who left. I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that, I uhh talked to Matty,” he said hesitantly, “and I have a feeling he won’t be messing with you or me again. I just wanted the best for you and I shouldn’t have exploded on you, you’re the best person I’ve ever met and I really, really like you Windy and I didn’t want you getting hurt. I blamed you for not paying attention when really it was me that should have been paying attention to you. I called Lindley and explained what happened and she wants you to come home, I told her I would leave the decision up to you and if you decide to stay I promise I will take better care of you if you just give me another chance and I swear I won’t explode like that again, it was uncalled for and I’m so sorry.”

I impulsively kissed him and in that moment I didn’t regret any moment of my life. Everything I do around him is so impulsive, something I’d never do with anyone else, my words, my actions; they all come so naturally. It’s as if the world stopped. I felt his soft lips against mine, his lip ring moving under my tongue. He climbed up to my bunk not moving my lips from his. He was careful with his hand placements not putting them on any of my cuts or scars somehow doing this with his eyes closed as if he memorized every curve of my fragile body.

“Andy, I want to stay here, I don’t want to go back home. I just want to stay with you forever.”

“I promise I won’t ever leave you like I did last night or yell like I did this morning. You deserve better.”

We lost track of time and the rest of the band walked in on us. We had a lot of explaining to do.

Notes

muahahaha

Never Give In, Never Back Down
~Hailie