It’s been just over a week since the Black Veil Brides concert and seeing CC again, and everything has been going downhill. Hannah and Becca were both in Europe for some music scholarship at University, leaving with only the voice inside my head. My parents and older brother were out of state visiting my family for a month, assuming that I could get by on my own and not kill myself. Boy, were they wrong. I lay on my bed, dressed in a wide strap tank top, and a pair of short shorts, tracing the patterns on the ceiling. My head was full of so many different thoughts and emotions, that writing couldn’t even captivate them all. I was getting so frustrated that I couldn’t word my emotions correctly that I just gave up on it. I went back to my old habits, taking a sharp razor blade to my skin, each time I etched a memory into my skin.
I felt my phone buzz for the second time within ten minutes. I picked it up, instantly recognizing CC’s voice. I screamed at him to leave me alone and hung up the phone, the words he spat at me still fresh in my mind. Soon enough, I felt the razor dig into my thigh, spelling the word WORTHLESS across it. I set the razor down into a pile of tissues and stood, walking over to my full body mirror. I pulled up the delicate cloth that rested over my stomach, seeing aggravated red lines slashed across my skin. I looked down to my legs, seeing the same aggravated lines copied and pasted to my skin. I felt blood flow down my leg, but I didn’t care. I never have. Then I looked at the worst part of my body; my arms. They were covered with so many different patterns. Some were plain lines, some were zigzags, and some were words. My fingers traced over the rugged surface of my wrist, feeling comforted by the discomfort it gave me. Cutting had always given me a high, it had always felt that I had sovereignty over my life, but it wasn’t me who had the control it was my mind. But I was okay with that, it sounds awful, but I was okay that I was meeting my demise with no one in my way. Tonight, I was going to meet my demons face to face, and side with them. I wasn’t strong enough to continue on with my life, it was my time to be infinite.
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I sat down, a pencil in hand and started to write my life away.
So, there’s this thing I’ve always needed to tell someone, but never could. Ugh. No, that’s not it. I scratched that line out, beginning again. CC, I trust you with my entire heart and soul, but there’s one thing that you don’t know about me. I have schizophrenia; it’s basically when you can’t tell the difference between reality and fantasy. I live my whole life struggling to grasp onto what’s real and what’s a figment of my imagination, but I can’t fight anymore. It’s all too hard.
I remember that day at the park, it was raining and we were hiding underneath a tree trying to say as dry as we could. We were both already soaked by the time we made it under the canopy of the tree, and I could remember that I was so cold I told you that I felt like I had been trapped under Antarctica. Being the goof that you were, you snuggled into your leather jacket, trying to egg me on. You pulled me closer to you and wrapped your arms around my body, as I took your jacket, wrapping it around the both of us. I started to play with your long black hair, feeling your warm breath fall on my fingers as you watched me curiously. Just then you took two fingers, turning my head to look at you and kissed me. I wish I could live in that day every single day of my life, but I can’t.
CC, you’re the world to me and I’m sorry that you have to find out like this, but I love you. No matter what the voice says to me, I can’t deny the way my heart flutters when you look at me, or the way that my stomach knots when we touch. What we have is special, and I hope that it means as much to you as it meant to me. I love you, never forget that. xX Annah
I set my pencil down, picking up my razor. I was barely able to see the scar that ran up my arm, but it was there, I could feel like. Without a second thought, I buried the blade deep into my skin, running it along the vein in my arm. Last thing to do was to call CC, and tell him to come find the note. I slowly picked up my phone and rang up his number.
“Hello?” Can I do this? Can I leave him?
“Hey, CC, it’s me.”
“Annah!! Are you okay? You sound really bad.” No turning back now.
“I….I’m sorry.” I managed to push through my lips before I went unconscious, my body dropping to the floor.

Notes

Very serious chapter, and it's sad to say, this chapter is my story, but with another guy, obviously.


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