I Need You Here Tonight

"You kissed him?" Oli asked. He was sitting on the couch. Hannah was cuddled next to him.

"Awh, congrats, Kota." She smiled.

I shrugged and glanced away. I hadn't told Shay yet as I knew she was going through one of her 'I hate men' phases. When Oli got offended she had stated that he wasn't really a guy. Way to emasculate someone, Shay.

"Yeah, but he's such a twat." Oli replied.

After Shay and Ashley's bust-up, Oli's dislike of Ashley grew and he didn't seem too fond of Jake. It had been a week since our meet-up and that feeling in my chest was still there. Unlike the bonfire it didn't seem to go out.

"Yeah, but, Kota's in love with him," Hannah said, softly. "Aren't you, Kota?"

I looked away and nodded, finally accepting the feelings that simply weren't going away. If this was love then it hurt so much. It left me physically in pain.

"He's still a twat, though. You don't just kiss someone 'for fun.' Not cool." Oli had never really been the type to just randomly make-out with people.

When we first met in year 10, he and I were very similar, both total nerds. In year 11, Oli got his first girlfriend and they were together for seven months.

"Have you told Shay yet?" He suddenly remembered our male-hating best friend.

"Nope, not yet. I just can't put into words how I feel. It feels amazing sometimes and awful other times." I ran a hand through my hair.

"Are you seeing him again soon?" Hannah asked.

"Usually on Sundays." I shrugged.

We sat in silence for a moment until the foyer door opened and we could hear voices. I knew I had to talk to Shay, but I was hoping she and Ashley would patch things up.

"Dashing through the snow-" Jack was singing, horrifically.

They walked into the lounge, Jack still singing and Alex was groaning in pain. Kellin and Vic followed close behind. Kellin saw me and rushed over, hugging me.

"Dude, stop with the singing, please." Alex begged.

"No, it's Christmas." Jack snapped, continuing with the singing.

They finally managed to get Jack to shut up and Alex and Oli started talking about their courses. Vic sat down next to Kellin and looped his arm round Kellin's shoulder. They both looked so happy and in love. I felt bad for feeling slightly envious.

The sound of a door opening didn't halt the conversations and Bret strolled in. He saw me and smiled. I waved back and looked at Jack. He rolled his eyes. Bret and I had met up on Monday to go through our presentation and had managed to get it finished in a few hours.

"Hey, Kota." He sat down. "I was wondering, say no if you want, but could we maybe, get a coffee together?"

My eyes widened and I blinked a few times, stunned by the forwardness. The chatter died down and I parted my lips. Alex grinned and slapped Bret on the back.

"Way to go, dude." He cheered.

"Yeah, I'd like that." I laughed. It was very sweet and I did like hanging out with Bret.

We left the dorms and walked down the street. I stuffed my hands in my coat pockets and we headed to Starbucks. We joined the queue and chose our drinks.

Once we had collected them we sat at a table in the corner. I didn't really feel nervous around Bret and because of that I felt I could talk to him.

"I know you don't like me in the way I like you," He sighed. "But I'd be an idiot if I didn't try to spend as much time with you as possible."

"Bret, you're really awesome. I just-" I paused, nerves overtaking me at the thought of discussing my feelings.

"I get it. You like that guy. Just don't let him treat you like shit." He replied, pressing his hand to mine.

The door to Starbucks opened and I nearly shrieked when I saw Jake walk in followed by Ariana. So, she had texted him. Bret noticed my look of horror and glanced round then back to me.

Ariana was so pretty. Her long brown hair was tied into a high ponytail and she wearing a red coat that covered her top half and a pair of leggings and real, Ugg boots. Her make-up was elaborate and done to perfection. She was everything I was not and my chest ached.

"Kota, are you all right?" Bret turned to look at me.

I looked into my drink and prayed they wouldn't see me. Thankfully, neither of them did and they left. My eyes started to burn painfully.

Oh great, I was crying again, like an absolute idiot. I covered my eyes and took a shaky breath. What the heck had i gotten myself into? I heard the chair squeak and I leaned into Bret when he hugged me.

"He really doesn't deserve you." Bret hugged me.

I didn't know whether to agree or not and that hurt even more. I didn't feel like drinking anymore and we left shortly after. I felt so guilty and before we went into the dorm I stopped Bret.

"I'm so sorry." I mumbled.

"Hey, it's fine. Come on, let's go and have some drinks with the others." He patted my shoulder.
I couldn't even bring myself to socialise and instead went straight to my room. I would rather be alone.

**********

Sunday again and I was sitting on the steps, staring out at the streets. Why was I putting myself through this? It was like self-inflicted torture. I saw Jake walking towards me, on the phone.

He stopped in front of me and waved. He smiled briefly and continued to talk to whoever was on the other end. I only caught half the conversation.

"It's seriously not like that." He snapped, and groaned.

"Look, I'm busy," He paused whilst the other person spoke. "Well, you do that. It's, whatever."

He hung up and for a moment looked really pissed off, but smiled at me. That amazing smile took my breath away and reminded me that I was inflicting this on myself.

"Sorry about that." He chuckled.

I shrugged, not really in the mood to talk. I stood and we walked down the street in silence. I kept looking at the floor. My tummy wouldn't stop doing somersaults.

When we got to the cafe and sat down I kept my eyes down.

"Kota? Are you all right?" He asked, trying to meet my eyes.

"I saw you yesterday." I replied, monotone.

"How come you didn't talk to me?" He sounded confused, and I finally looked up.

"You were with Ariana." I snapped.

His eyes narrowed and he shrugged.

"So? It's my life and I can hang out with who I want." He retorted.

"She's awful though." I blurted out.

"Not where it counts," He rolled his eyes. "And it's really none of your fucking business."

I winced at the tone and I could feel that painful, burning sensation behind my eyes. I looked up, about to say something when the tears started. Oh god, this seriously couldn't be happening.

"Kota? Hey, don't cry." He stood, and rounded the small table. I shrank back.

Please don't hug me. He wrapped an arm round my shoulder and tried to meet my eyes. No, this couldn't be happening.

"D-don't touch me." I hissed, standing up and leaving the cafe.

I knew he wouldn't give up so I was prepared when he grabbed my shoulder and whirled me round to face him.

"Kota, please talk to me." He sounded pleading.

"It hurts so much," I whispered.

We both stayed in silence for a few seconds. I was so torn. In one way I seriously regretted meeting him that night in Fluid and in the other, it had been the best thing to ever happen.

"Kota, I'm sorry for snapping at you," He stepped closer, and I stumbled back.

The next thing I knew I was backing up and taking off down the street. My eyes were streaming and when I got to the dorm I locked myself in my room. I stayed there for the rest of the evening and switched my phone to silent.

Night came quickly and I was still curled up under the blankets when it got dark outside. I sighed and sat up, glancing at the clock on the side. It was approaching midnight and I grabbed my phone.

Fifteen missed calls. I now regretted running away from the situation. It was obvious Jake didn't like me in that way and I decided it was better to be his friend than to not know him. He had opened up to me last Saturday and I wanted more moments like that between us.

My phone began to ring. I didn't recognise the number, but answered it anyways.

"H-hello?" I sounded dreadful, tired and weak.

"Hey, Dakota." Ashley's voice.

"Hey Ash, sorry I was asleep, what's up?" I asked, rubbing my tired eyes.

"I'm here with Jake and I think you should come outside." He sighed.

Outside? As in outside the dorm. I stood and left the room, walking quietly down the hall. The lounge was dark and empty. I carried on through and into the foyer. I unlocked the front door and slipped outside.

Ashley was outside and so was Jake. This could either go good or bad.

"I did try and tell him you were asleep." Ashley glared at Jake.

He stumbled over and pulled me into a hug and I could smell the alcohol. Someone was obviously a little tipsy.

"Jake? Have you been drinking?" I mumbled.

"I'm so sorry. I made you cry. I don't give two fucks about any other girl crying, but I fucked up making you cry." He slurred, clearly more than a little drunk.

I sighed and reassured him. He kept hugging me and I couldn't help but feel like he meant every word. I also knew he wouldn't remember anything I told him so now seemed like a good time to express my feelings without him remembering and rejecting me. I pulled back, supporting him when he swayed a little.

"Jake, I need to be honest with you." I stuttered a little and cursed myself for it.

He frowned and nodded. Ashley stepped closer and looked at me nervously. He touched a hand to my shoulder, attracting my attention.

"Kota, he won't remember." He whispered.

"I know, that's the point." I replied.

Ashley stepped back, giving us room. I took a few shaky breaths to collect myself and then met Jake's unsteady gaze.

"I'm in love with you." I murmured.

"You love me?" He sounded confused, but smiled a few seconds later.

I nodded and I knew he wouldn't remember this, but I was glad I had said it. I wouldn't be able to if he was sober and could remember. Plus, he wouldn't reject me. He'd think I meant love as in a friendly way.

"Kota, I love you too. Fuck, you're the most beautiful girl ever." He leaned down and kissed me again.

I could definitely taste the whiskey and pulled back. It hadn't gone the way I'd anticipated, but that didn't matter.

"You won't remember this, Jake." I sniffled.

He gripped my chin, tilting my head so we could look at each other, "I will remember this."

He paused and his cheeks went pale. I frowned and he stepped back, hiccuping a little. Ashley seemed to sense what was going to happen and stepped closer.

"I think I'm going to vomit." Jake laughed, and Ashley rolled his eyes.

They walked a few metres away and true enough he threw up. I stayed by the door, but felt sorry for Jake. I walked over and patted his back. He managed to stand up, but swayed a little.

"I will remember this." He stated.

I smiled and hugged him again because despite the fact he'd just been ill I still loved him. No one's perfect and I certainly wasn't. Ashley patted Jake's shoulder.

"We should go. Kota has to be up for lectures."

Jake pulled back and smiled, weakly. I turned to Ashley and he looked at me, sadness reflected in his dark eyes.

"You really do love him, don't you?" He reached out and hugged me. "Don't worry. I'll try and get him to remember tomorrow."

I watched them go. Surprisingly, I felt a little better about telling Jake. I knew when he woke in the morning he'd have forgotten about coming here. He'd forget about my confession and that hurt, but it would hurt more to tell him and be properly rejected.

Notes