Devin’s Pov

The several weeks between the last tour and the beyond the barricade tour were long. In total, we had like two months off. It was nice however. I went to Disneyland with Ash and Nikki. We had a blast out there. Since they lived out there, Ash new a few people and pulled a few strings to get me in for a cheaper price. The perks of knowing a lot of the staff there was great.

LA was really nice; I liked it out there. But the east coast was where I felt at home; it was also where my band mates were and where my mom was. The east coast felt like home after so many years of moving. My apartment was decent. It had one bedroom, and a living room that was fairly sized, a bathroom with a tub and a kitchen that had all the appliances. Over all, it was cozy, and decorated to my liking. Since I couldn’t paint the walls black (I’m renting), I took black bed sheets and used fabric softener to make it stick to the walls. I then also had cut out holes in the sheets so I could stick and hang things on the walls. I hung posters of my friends and some of my favorite movies. I had normal recess lighting, and I had fairy lights that I used more often to light the living room. My kitchen was red and black, just like Ashley’s hair. It was nice.

The odd thing about the pictures hanging up, there were no pictures with me in it; I mean, like the pictures of my band, they were before I was official, so I wasn’t in them. The only pictures I was in were the ones from the reincarnate posters and I had yet to get one. However, I had many pictures of my mom hanging up. Say what you want, but I love my mom. She had been there when I was crashing and burning, she got me help when I didn’t want to get any. When we were in court, she was there for me.

Zoning back into reality, I had to come back to the task at hand: packing for tour. Until I knew what I definitely wanted to wear, I settled with being a character with a coke problem (everybody sells). I also packed the old lady dress in case I decided to wear it or use it again. Once I had that settled, I threw in several pairs of skinny jeans, a good amount of T-shirts, a black skirt and a plaid shirt, fishnet stockings, and any other feminine thing I would need if I chose to wear it. I had to pack quite light, so I ended up putting a few shirts back, the black skirt, and a pair of jeans back. We only had so much space for our stuff after all.

Packing my makeup, I threw in all the stuff that I would need, before moving on to pack my laptop stuff, and phone stuff. After packing that, I grabbed my pills and stuff. I hid the bottle of Xanax in a hidden pocket of my suitcase, where only I would think to look, so that if someone wanted to borrow a shirt, a phone charger or something, they wouldn’t find it. Because, I was pretty much not a lot to have Xanax anymore; I mean after all that happened in high school and how I used it, it’s probably best. I used it bad back then, now it’s just on occasion when I can’t calm down. Making sure I had an extra bottle of my other medicines, I made sure those were safe too, that way if I lost the other bag again, I had more.

With the tour being with most of my friends, I have to watch it. I can not miss pills, I cannot get a little to dependent on the Xanax and I cant have them thinking something is wrong. I need to be independent; I don’t need people to worry about me. If Chris isn’t worried, I’m all right. Because if he’s worried, I know that without a doubt, if he asked me if something was wrong, I would not be able to withhold it from him.

I also have to pretend to be eating more. Its not that I slipped into old habits, its just I’m not as hungry as before. Food just isn’t appealing. I eat because I need to, but I just feel eh about it. The guys over react to things. I know that they care, but having them watch over me like a hawk is annoying and stressful. When Chris did it, I didn’t mind as much. But, when the guys do it, it makes me uncomfortable. I guess it was cute when Chris did it, it showed he cared. But now, he just kind of ignores me. I mean if we have to have social interaction, we do but if we don’t, we are like super far apart. My bunk is now the one further away from him; I avoid him more on stage and stay closer to Balz, Ryan, and Ricky. Everything between us is awkward. I miss having him as a best friend, like before.

Longing for Chris was something that never quite went away. I missed his touch, his hugs, the way he held me, everything. That man made me feel things I could not even begin to describe. He made everything better. It was when I was home alone that I let down my walls and really let myself miss him. In front of everyone, I tried to be happy and not show the loneliness I truly felt. I tried to hide how lonely I really was. The guys all texted me on a regular bases, and I made it seem like I was always do something. I probably spent most of my time during this break at the bookstore, and at thrift shops. If I got bored, I would either go for a walk, or go for a drive.

Closing up my suitcase, I zipped it tight and set it on the couch for tomorrow morning. Making sure the fridge was empty; I then cleaned up the apartment before getting ready for bed. It was late when I crawled into bed and let sleep over come me.

The next morning, I woke up to my alarm clock that I had set. It was 5:55 am. I got like 6 hours of sleep, if that. I felt like a zombie. Taking my pills, I downed them on an empty stomach, which would probably be a bad idea, but fuck it. Getting dressed, I pulled on a pair of black jeans, and a shirt with my favorite jacket before putting on the little bit of makeup I deemed necessary to look human enough. Ricky texted me saying they would pick me up at 6:45. It was currently 6:23. I had a while before they came. Going through the checklist, I made sure I had all that I would need packed, (a pair of vans, and a pair of creepers) I then went through the house to make sure every thing was off. My mom would check in every once in awhile to make sure no one broke in or anything. I don’t have a lot of expensive stuff, my house is minimal but I do have a nice TV, Xbox and some games, and a lot of movies.

When the bus came, I grabbed my stuff, sent the alarm and then went out there. For this tour, we had a van. Chris wanted it to be personal just like it used to be. Especially since this tour would be more personal with the fans. Thankfully, I packed only the necessary stuff, and not too much. After a few tours, you figure out what you do and do not need.

Ryan was driving the first shift. Putting my stuff in the back with everyone else’s, I got in next to Ricky and Balz. Chris was up front with Ryan. Since he lives so far away from us, He drives in a few days before and stays with one of the guys. He’s never stayed with me, and it’s probably best that way.


Once we had everybody, we got on the rode and began the tour. It would be something that we would not forget anytime soon.

Notes