Devin’s Pov

It took a few weeks, but my pills were working again. Things went back to normal and I couldn’t be gladder. I finally was able to sleep normal and function without feeling crazy. It was when I was alone, that I felt the most depressed. I had gone from being around people 24/7 to isolation. The guys texted me to hang out, but I ignored them most of the time. Chris never texted, and I knew he wouldn’t. I still missed him nonetheless. Seeing the pictures of him and his girl online, made everything so much harder.

It was when I was alone that I got away with doing whatever I wanted. That meant if I wanted one too many xanax, I could. If I didn’t want to eat, I didn’t have to. No one was there to stop and tell me no, so why not do what I want. Like I got another tattoo, it wasn’t important so I didn’t tell anyone.

Today was especially hard. Today was the anniversary of one of my attempts. Knowing that so many years ago today, I tried to take my life was hard. Things had really changed in those years. I went from being a fan of MIW to being in it. I went from being with Liam to being with Chris and then to being alone. In all honesty, things did get better. Well, better than what they were. Things were still kind of sucky, but I made do.

Checking my phone, I had a new message and a new notification from twitter. It was a message from Ashley (Costello) and a tweet from Ashley Purdy. Ash had texted me saying, “hey Scissor hands, I’m in town. Lets kick it like old times. Hit me up if your down.”

Purdy tweeted me saying, “Hey man, how’s it going. It’s been awhile. Text meeeeee. PS. I miss you like crazy AND I’m glad I know you (: thanks for putting up with me when I’m a little too crazy.”

I texted Ash back saying, “sure. When and where?” tweeting Purdy back, I said, “I will, I will. I miss you too. I only put up with you because I had too :P no one else would go the store with me sometimes.”

“Tonight, the bar on 32nd.,9 o’clock. “ She sent back.

“Alright! Casual or nah?”

“Do what ya want. I’m doing my usual stuff (: .”

“Alright. See you then (:

It was only 10 am. I had a lot of time until tonight. Turning up my phone volume, I blasted music from the speakers in my living room while I cleaned. Cleaning made me feel productive, despite my house never really being dirty. Once I had it to my liking, I checked the time. I had a lot of time until tonight. My notification went off and it was a text from my mom saying, “Hope your doing well my little darling. I’m glad you’re still around today. Your music is so good, and your style is so unique and I am just so proud of you. You make me so proud; words cannot describe how proud of you I am. I love you so much. I know today might be rough for you, but it is just another day now. You are so strong and so brave and so much better than those asshats ever thought you could ever be. You are a 1000, on a scale of 1-10. I love you, Mom.”

She always did know what to say when I needed someone, forever the best mom I could have ever asked for. I tweeted, “My mom is the absolute best. She knows what to say every time. I am forever grateful for someone like her in my life. Thank you for all that you have done for me, and all that you have sacrificed. I would not be here at all today, if it were not for you and your love. #Forvergreateful”.


And its true, if it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t be here today. If it weren’t for Chris, I wouldn’t be here today either.

Taking to twitter again I said, “a lot can happen in a small of time, but so much changes in a span of years. The times have changed, and so have we.”

I’m not even going to pretend. I miss Chris. A lot. Like a lot, a lot. Like without him, I feel lost. Its like I’m in hell, and he’s in heaven. I can only look to see where he is; I have no contact with him.

My notifications went wild on my phone. Checking them, some ass twat sent me hateful comments.

So I called him out and said, “don’t like me? I don’t give a fuck. Bye.”

“Liam should have finished what he started, but he’s a damn idiot.” They responded. Blocking them, I reported them and screen shot the statement.

Fear began to course through my veins. Making sure every lock was in place, I closed all the blinds and then searched the place from top to bottom. When I found nothing, I felt a small bit better. When my phone rang, I jumped three feet in the air.

When the caller ID said Balz, I couldn’t help but feel disappointed. Letting it go to voicemail, I ignored his call. I could always call him back later if it was important. Lying on the floor, I got up and took some xanax. Once I felt calmer, I stared at the wall until I fell asleep for a bit.

When I woke up again, I had about an hour until I had to meet Ash at the bar. Getting up, I went to go change. Putting on skinny jeans, a black dress shirt and a black coat, I matched it with my black vans before fixing my hair and makeup. Once I looked decent, I made sure I had some money in my wallet before grabbing my phone and leaving.

The bar its self was smaller but a cozy kind of small. I easily found Ash due to her hair. Hugging her tightly, I bid her hello before hugging everyone else before sitting down beside her. Ordering a beer, I sipped it slowly while everyone was already on the second drink. She pulled me to the dance floor and made me dance along side her. We spent most of the time there laughing and bent over at how awkward we were. The jukebox in the corner had a lot of Taylor swift songs, so of course Nikki being Nikki, played multiple of them while we attempted to dance to them. Ash mouthed the words and improved along. It was absolutely hilarious, and we were in hysteria laughing.

Going back to the area we had been sitting in, we finished off our drinks and spent the rest of the night talking. They talked about their tour while I talked about the past tour. In a few months, we would go on tour together, and I was excited for that. It was well past four am when we decided it was best we went home. They had someone who had not been drinking to drive them to where ever they needed to be next. When I got home, it was well past 5 am. I had fun at the bar, it felt good to unwind and have fun with old friends.

Taking my shoes off, I fell asleep above the covers of my bed. Sleep was evident, and for the first time in quite a while, it wasn’t drug induced.

Notes