Fvck The Haters

I stared at the flat grassy scenery beyond the bus window, trying not to think of what Lauren said. I closed my eyes and swallowed a lump in my throat pressing my arm against the cold hard window and focusing on the sensation, turned my music up and pressed each of the earbuds into my ears. The background vocals calmly stated exactly what I felt, the pianos and the violin calming me. I felt empty. Hurt. Void.

Did she mean what she said? Was I really turning into the thing I hate?

I’d have a good reason to become a bully. What did I have in common with a bunch of people I knew I was painfully different from? It’s hard to feel like anyone understands you, let alone has your back in a fight.

I stepped off of the bus and entered the house staring at the ground, forgetting the day as I headed toward my room. “The school called.” My mom was standing near the doorway like she’d been waiting for me.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” I said my voice sharp.

“Don’t yell at me.” She replied, pointing to the kitchen.

“It wasn’t my fault!” I shouted, sitting at the table. I threw my backpack on an empty chair and folded my arms.

“You can hide in your room after you tell me what went down.” She sat across from me at the table and stared expectantly. The silence lasted a long time. Mom reached her hand across the table and pulled my hand toward her, covering my ice cold hand with her warm hand. I looked into her eyes and saw love and understanding.

That’s when I lost it. I burst into tears as I yelled, “Lauren dumped me!” My voice cracking, chest heaving, heart breaking.

“Oh honey” She sighed understandingly and rushed around the table to pull me to my feet, pressing a hand at the back of my neck and pulling me to her shoulder.

“Is that why you got in a fight?” She asked, rubbing up and down my back, still holding me close.

“No!” My voice cracked again. I pulled my head away from her shoulder and pulled my sleeves over my hands, wiping my cheeks with them.

She stepped away and forced a wad of tissues into my hand. I had to smile at the gesture; she always knew what to do. “Did Lauren dump you because of the fight?”

I shook my head in agreement and pressed my eyes closed, trying not to cry again.

“Good for her! You shouldn’t have been in that fight!” She swatted my arm and pointed to the chair again.

“What the hell mom?” I wiped my nose.

“I talked to Jake’s mom and got a complete recap of what happened today.” She folded her arms.

“Destery deserved it!” I shook my head in disbelief. “Who’s side are you on?”
“I didn’t raise a bully!” She warned.

I flinched at her shouting. “He started it!” I yelled defensively.

“DO NOT raise your voice at me!” She said firmly. “You know I’m always on your side. I’m always here to listen.” She sighed.

“Jake and I can take care of things.” I set my arms on the table.

“Oh yeah?” She said sternly, leaning closer. “How’s that working out for you?” She looked into my eyes and this time I saw hurt. I’d hurt her. I’d hurt Lauren.

“Dammit!” I yelled, throwing my backpack at the wall. I ran into my bedroom and slammed the door, turning my music up as loud as it would go.

Notes