Finding Grace

Andy POV

This was fucking killing me.
I sat at the studio, my chin propped on my hand as I gazed at the walls, our band managers voice filtering through my ears, not one word of what he was saying sinking in.
I was worried about her.
She would barely speak to me, and then she'd just called me out of the blue, panicking. I'd come immediately, probably had two traffic tickets to prove how fast I'd driven, too.
Now we were back to being awkward around each other again.
How can it be awkward around someone that you've known for a long time, that you've seen naked and been with at their worst moments --- how could all of that have just disappeared in a few months?
It was getting rough between us before I ever started sneaking off to see Juliet, or even talking to her, so I know that hadn't been the trigger.
Was it Warped?
Had something gone wrong there?
I'd been concerned for a little while that Ricky Horror was moving in on my territory, or Chris Motionless, but she seemed to just be friends with them. I'd never really thought much about them until she'd suddenly done a song with them and been in their music video, and then it was like everything had changed.
It wasnt like all of us band members knew each other personally; I still didnt know half the bands at Warped, though I always tried to be friendly and laid back when I met any of them.
I sighed, letting my gaze slide off the wall and to where all of us where gathered around the formal meeting table, CC already asleep with his forehead pressing against it as our manager droned on and on.
Jake and Jinxx were paying attention, at least, and Ashley seemed to be texting someone on his phone, his brows drawn together in irritation above his sunglasses.
him and his stupid sunglasses; I swear he owned like fifty pairs to match to his outfits.
He'd tried to make a move on Leah the first time we met her too, but she hadn't seemed very interested in him.
Because she'd been interested in me instead.
So why wasnt she more interested in me now?
Was it because she already had me, was she bored?
Had I become boring to her?
I know she was pregnant, that it wasnt as smooth a ride for her as it seemed to be for everyone else, that she basically hated it and would be damned if she ever had another child, she had told me once.
So I guess we were only having one.
I just wished it had been at a more opportune moment.
I felt like I'd ruined her career, getting her pregnant when she was so young --- she couldn't even drink alcohol yet.
I mean, come on.
It hadn't stopped her, of course, but that wasnt the point.
I felt awful.
Why was I so shitty at this?
I'd never had such issues with women before.
".... tour has been postponed until February.... baby should be.... don't you agree.... hello.... ANDY?"
I jerked, my head swerving to Jon where he glared at me from the top of the table, Jake and Jinxx rolling their eyes as they leaned back in their chairs, though Ashley hadn't looked up from his phone.
"Uh, what?" I blinked at them.
"I said, what day is your kid due?"
"Uh... sometime in January." I wasn't sure on the exact day, and I'm sure Leah had told me, but I just didnt remember.
"Well, the UK tour has been postponed until February, just so you can enjoy the little diaper bag for a while," he informed me, not fond of children; he'd always made that pretty clear.
"Uh, cool." I straightened. "Are we done, then? Because Leah ---."
"No, we're not done. you got a lot of vocals you need to get too," he interrupted me, looking annoyed. "Everyone else has all their parts up to date except for you, and you've already left once ---."
"Leah needed me to come home," I defended myself, "it was important. And I came back for the meeting, didnt I?"
"Only because I threatened your life if you didnt," he sighed.
"What was wrong, anyway?" Jake asked me, propping his chin in his hand. "With Leah?"
"The baby was kicking."
"Don't they do that a lot?" Jon frowned.
"Yeah, but she's bruising Leahs ribs, I think she's cramped." I sighed. "Leahs too small."
"That's why you liked her in the beginning," CC grunted, still facedown, and we all looked over at him. "You liked her smallness, I do remember you saying."
"Well, I still do."
"She's not so small now," Jon chuckled. "She looks like she's carrying an elephant under her t shirt from the baby shower pictures."
"Sweet god don't tell her that," I groaned, leaning back in my chair. "She's very aware of how she looks and resents it. Like you guys have no idea how many fits she's had because she can't find anything to wear."
"Like you haven't done that before either," Jake teased me, rolling his eyes. "Remember when you lost your Prophet vest? We heard about it for two weeks until you found it under your bunk under some old clothes."
"That was different."
"Not really. How bad are her ribs?" Jinxx asked, his dark hair loose around his face today. He had gotten married before all of us and he didnt have any kids; why did it work out for him and not for me?
Why was I the one with a pregnant, hormonal wife who hated me and not him?
Not fair.
"Some black bruises here and there," I motioned at my own. "When she goes back to the doctor I'm gonna mention it; maybe there's something they can do to help, I
dunno."
I yawned, feeling tired.
I wasn't sleeping well on that couch; I'd never realized how uncomfortable it was until then.
How did our guests stand it?
"She keeping you up all night still?" Jake asked, and I shook my head.
"Just can't sleep."
"Well, you need to start," Jon berated me as he stood slowly, rubbing his old back. "Dont want black circles under your eyes so long they become permanent, got it? Your looks are one of your most redeeming qualities."
"I thought it was my voice."
"Your voice helps." he nodded, gatheirng all the paperwork up that we'd all signed accordingly and given back earlier. "But looks are important too, my little money makers. Now, the Uk tour is in February, Baby Biersack is in January sometime, so you guys are going to be free until then." he informed us. "We'll finish up our recording, get all of you together for the majority of it, and then you can have a week off. I hope Ms. Kabinov realizes what a hit your music is taking, you guys being on hiatus so long."
"She's the one who can't even go to her own studio," I scowled at him, getting slightly fed up. "It's not her fault she got pregnant."
"No, it's yours," he agreed, rolling his eyes. "Another hit on the band, you becoming less available."
"It didn't seem to affect Ronnie's popularity," CC raised his head with a glare. "So don't be so hard on him, Jon. Leah didnt want kids at all."
"Then why is she having one? All women want kids, they just don't want to admit it," he informed us, tucking the papers under his arm and heading for the door.
He knew nothing.
The door shut behind him, and I let my face drop to the table, which would probably be easier to sleep on then my fucking couch.
"Things still bad?" Jinxx asked after a moment, and I nodded best I could.
"I haven't gotten a decent nights sleep in a week." I mumbled. "I hate my couch. I never knew it was so uncomfortable."
"I'm sure it'll get better, man," CC patted my back. "Leah doesn't stay mad long."
"But this is different," I muttered, frowning as I raised my head, a paper sticking to it. "She hates me."
The paper slowly peeled off my forehead and fluttered back to the table.
"She doesn't hate you," Ashley said, finally looking up from his phone. "She's hormonal out the ass right now, man. She hates herself. Fuck, she hates twizzlers right now and you know how much she loves those."
That was true; she'd been on a twizzler ban since the last time she had some she was sick for three days.
"She said she didnt love me anymore," I finally said after a moment, staring down at the table, and I felt four pairs of eyes flick to my face. "She said we weren't in love anymore, we were just together for the baby and she didnt want to be with me."
My voice trailed off, and there was several seconds of silence, no one knowing what to say, I guess.
I just wanted to protect her and keep her safe, and I knew I'd lost my temper with her, and it killed me that she had flinched away from me like that; I could remember
in the very beginning, how uneasy she had been, and I didnt blame her.
He'd used to beat her so much, if I had been her, I still wouldnt let people touch me.
"Andy..." Jake hesitated, and I looked up at him, feeling miserable.
"She hates me." I muttered again. "I'm terrible at being a husband."
"Man, I'm sure it's not like that," CC told me quickly, his brows drawn together. "She probably didn't mean it."
"She meant it. She meant it completely," I ran my hands down my face. "She ---."
"Why did she say it?" Jinxx asked, his voice careful. "I mean, what brought that up?"
"Er, we were fighting." My eyes flicked to CC; he'd been there, they'd just conveniently left before it got really bad. "About Juliet, about Xavier... fuck, about basically everything, from bills to being stuck in the apartment to fucking baby car seats."
Which she'd thrown up in my face multiple times since then, though she'd done it in very sneaky ways, mentioning it and wondering how one would ever fit in my car, how were we going to take it places, etcetera.
She knew how to make me feel like shit for owning a nice car.
And I wasn't giving up my fucking car, either.
"Car seats?"
"We still need to buy some," I muttered, shaking my head. "I don't know how it's gonna fit in my car, but that's not the cars fault. SHE could always just get a car and ---."
"Leah hates driving, Andy, you know that."
"Well that's not my fault! And it would make everything so much easier if she would just get one."
The guys just looked at me.
"And she's not even taking her medicine!" I burst, the words just pouring from my mouth once they got started. "I mean, what the fuck? She needs to take it so she'll STOP acting all freaked out and paranoid all the time! She made up some lame excuse about it being bad for the baby, when it's made for pregnancy! She always has an excuse for everything!" I clenched my hands, rising to my feet and pacing, restless.
"I can't even talk to her without her making it into an argument, all the fucking time."
"Well, that's married life," Jinxx told me calmly, watching me pace back and forth. "The first year is always the worst, you know how hard it was for me and Sammi. Everyone thought we were going to break up."
"Yeah, but you guys worked it out. And you didnt get her pregnant beforehand."
"Yeah, that probably could make it worse," he allowed, rubbing his jaw. "But maybe it'll help bring you guys closer ---."
"It's tearing us apart." I stopped pacing, glaring at nothing in particular. "Getting pregnant is probably the worst thing that has ever happened to us."
"You dont mean that, dude," CC stared at me. "Don't talk like that. Leah would kill you if she heard that."
"It's not like she doesnt think it," I turned to look at all of my bandmates. "She hates being pregnant, she's not happy. Neither of us wanted kids, especially not right now."
"Would you have rather she gotten rid of it?" Ashley was just looking at me; it still irritated me that he had found out before I had, had been with her through all those
panicky moments so much I'd thought they were sleeping together.
I felt like such an idiot for ever thinking that.
I should have just known something was wrong instead.
"No. I dunno," I frowned. "That was never really an option, she wouldnt have even if I'd wanted her too."
"She thought about it," Ashley said after a moment, all of us looking at him in surprise. "She really did, but she couldn't bring herself to even do it, probably why she never brought it up as an option to you. She was really scared about it, Andy. She didn't know what to do."
"We don't know what to do even more now then we did then," I sighed, running my hands through my hair, some strands getting caught on my rings and getting jerked out.
I winced, dropping them to my side.
What was I going to do with her and a baby?
"I think it'll all work itself out," Jake said after a moment. "It always does, whether you guys stay together or not. Leah will always be family, Andy, but you're our frontman, our lead singer, so... we're always gonna be on your side. I know it seems really bad right now, but don't give up, okay? I'm sure in the long run, all of this will seem like nothing. Once the baby's here, everything will cool off."
"Until I leave her alone with it for two months," I muttered, shaking my head as I flopped down into the chair. "And she goes psychotic because it won't stop crying."
I'd already envisioned how that scenario was going to go.
The guys winced.
"Her, er, Vale's mom was gonna stay with her, right? And didn't your mom say she was going to help too?" CC asked hesitantly, trying to cheer me up.
"Vales mom is gonna come yeah, but my parents... I dunno, neither of them were too happy with me over this." I sighed. "Dad was pissed, said if I didnt marry her I wouldnt be doing the right thing and ---."
"Did you seriously marry Leah because your dad told you too?" Ashley rolled his eyes.
"No!" I burst defensively. "I love her, I do, and it WAS the right thing to do, anyway. And we probably would have gotten married eventually..."
"You don't sound like you believe that," he pointed out to me, and I sent him a foul look.
"I'm sure it's okay," Jake said hastily before we started to snap at each other; Ashley was really protective of Leah, they'd become really good friends.
I sighed, slouching down into my chair, and a silence started to build as no one knew what to say to make it better.
Nothing could make it better.
"Yo, get your butts in the sound room!" Jon suddenly snapped, his head popping into the meeting room, the door flinging open against the wall and making all of us flinch. "I didn't tell you guys we were going to record so you could sit in here and do group therapy."
I rolled my eyes.
I think I need more then just therapy at this point.

Notes

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