Finding Grace

Andy had been sleeping on the couch for the past week and he wouldn't talk to me whatsoever.
But I hadn't really tried to talk to him either.
I could hear him moving around as as he got ready to leave, but I didn't move off the bed, didn't make any motion whatsoever.
I was ruining everything.
I wasn't even sure if I was in love anymore.
I was so unhappy.
Andy couldn't love me like he said if he wanted to see Juliet, if he didn't want to be around me; he didn't even like being home, he'd said as much.
I closed my eyes quickly when he stepped into the bedroom, keeping them closed and resenting the fact that I slept facing the closets now as he rifled through them for something to wear.
He left after a minute, shutting the door softly behind him, and I felt more tears seep out of my eyes.
My.mother was right.
She was always right and I hated her for it.
But I wouldn't go back to her.
I would rather live on the street then do something like that.
And so here I was, listening to my husband get ready for work, neither of us speaking and me seven months pregnant.
And this is what marriage was.
This.
And I hated it.
I buried my face into the pillow, crying silently as I heard the front door close. I curled my knees as close as I could, but I could only do so much with the extra passenger I had.
I sighed, lying my hand on my stomach.
It wasnt her fault though, she didn't ask to be... Well, I was pretty sure she was conceived on the couch, to be honest.
The one Andy was sleeping on now.
I wiped my eyes hastily, and then rolled around a little so I could sit up.
Now I was just going to dread the time until he got home.
It was like I was fifteen again, waiting for my mom to return from the store or wherever she'd gone.
I hated that feeling.
And I didn't feel at home here, either.
None of this felt okay to me anymore.
I wanted out.
Andy wanted me out.
Gracie probably wanted out too.
I sighed, looking down at the beach ball I was carrying.
When she was born, we'd work something out. If Andy wanted me gone, me and Gracie would leave. I would stay at Vales until I found myself an apartment, and we would go from there.
I didn't need Andy.
I didn't need anyone.
I could do all of this by myself.
Women did it all the time, didn't they? And I had a successful career, so I could keep going.
I could do this on my own.
I just didn't want too.
I rubbed my eyes again, and then laboriously forced myself to my feet
Okay, that wasn't so hard.
I walked over to the door, nudging it open and quickly making my way to the kitchen for some peanut butter and doritos.
My food habits had only gotten worse.
I glanced at the time, seeing it was just after ten and Andy was actually late as usual.
I hated being late to things.
And I really did need to go through all of the baby gifts we'd gotten, so that's what I spent my day doing.
I sorted all the gifts, wrote appropriate thank you cards with little cute designs on them and then tossed them in the box of things to be mailed we had piling up. Then I started putting everything up in Gracies room, from clothes to toys to cute pictures on the walls.
Vale and Clarke texted me a few times, checking on me, though I didn't hear a word from Andy.
But he hadn't talked to me since I'd made that comment, and I didn't expect anything any time soon, either.
How could I have told him that I didn't love him?
I did love him, I think... fuck, I just wasnt sure anymore. We didnt get along, we hadn't in a while, we weren't connecting, we didn't --- everything had gone so well in the beginning, been so perfect, so amazing --- of course I'd fallen in love with him.
I never should have.
I never should have slept with him in the beginning, I wasn't even sure why I had; drinking was no excuse, and neither was the fact he was basically my idol and I'd always fantasized about him.
Sometimes getting what you wanted wasn't as grand as you would think it would be.
I sighed, looking down at the baby outfit I held, the little giraffes cute as they danced across its hemline.
I wanted this baby, though I hadn't been sure about it in the beginning. I know I never would have been able to get an abortion, that much was for sure, despite the fact I'd contemplated it.
I would have regretted it and it would probably have destroyed me, and if Andy had wanted me to do that... I doubt I could have ever forgiven him for that, either.
I sighed again, and tossed the baby outfit down, but it missed the dresser and fluttered to the ground. I gave an aggravated sound, using the wall as leverage as I slowly knelt to the ground, struggling to reach for it.
I froze suddenly, sucking in a painful breath as Gracie suddenly kicked, hard, nearly bringing me to my knees.
"Gracie, " I huffed, "nows not the time to be mean to mommy --- ow!"
Was she mad at me too?
I clenched my hands, feeling pain radiate through my ribs.
Oh fuck that hurt.
Stop stop stop, I chanted in my head as I rose to my feet and leaned heavily against the wall.
I reached for my phone worriedly, wincing.
"Come on, Gracie," I huffed, quickly sitting down in the rocking chair in the corner. "Don't freak out."
She was freaking out.
She wasn't even born and she was already not listening to me.
What do I do? I wondered worriedly, wrapping my arms around my middle, trying to ride it out, but I'd never had a very high pain tolerance.
I rocked back and forth, murmuring, pleading, but it didnt seem to help, and I ground my teeth.
Fuck it.
I needed someone here, just in case ---- fuck!
I stared at my phone in my hand, but the only person I wanted as Andy, and he was beyond mad at me. He probably wouldnt even answer if I did call, and even if he knew, I doubt he would come home, he would probably just send someone else since the studio was just so important to him ----.
"Amelia Grace, this is not how you're going to treat me," I hissed down at my stomach, my throat tightening. She gave another hard kick, and I clenched my jaw tighter, trying not to whimper.
This was ridiculous.
I dialed Andy after a second, my thumb hovering over his profile picture before I clicked, Gracie's harsh kicks convincing me, and to my surprise he actually answered me, sounding tired.
"Can you come home?" I nearly whimpered, barely letting him get a hello out.
There was a silence.
"Come home ---? What's wrong?" he went from tired to alert sounding, and I could hear voices in the background, laughing and cutting up; I hated the fact I was dragging him away from actually having fun, it sounded like.
"Please come home," I started to cry; that wasn't what I'd meant to say, I wasn't even sure why I'd called him of all people as mad as we were at each other, but I was hurting and panicking and I needed him and I basically blubbered as much.
"Okay, okay, just calm down," he said soothingly, his deep voice comforting, "I'll be home in twenty minutes okay?"
"Please," I wept, burying my face in my hands; I was so pathetic.
We were supposed to be mad at each other, not me whining to him everyt time Gracie kicked a litle too hard ---.
"Fuck!" I gasped, nearly dropping my phone, and I pressed my hand to my ribs, cursing every other breath.
I would teach her a full vocabulary before she even made it out.
I couldnt reach my phone where it fell, I couldnt get out of the rocker, so I just sat there miserably, seeing the phone screen go dark, out of my reach.
How did people do this?
Andy lied, though, he didnt make it there in twenty minutes.
I don't think it even took him ten minutes.
Probably somewhere between five and seven before I heard him thundering through the front door, calling for me, and then running into the baby room.
I reached for him automatically, still crying, and his arms closed around me instantly, his thumbs brushing at my cheeks.
"What's wrong?" he demanded, kneeling in front of me. "What's happening? Do you need to go to the hospital?"
"She, She," I gasped, flinching as she gave another vengeful kick, and I whimpered, burying my face against his neck. "My ribs, they hurt."
Andy hesitated, stroking my limp hair for a few minutes, murmuring softly in my ear, his other hand laying on my stomach. She was starting to calm down a little, but I was aching horribly.
"Let me see your ribs, can you turn a little?" Andy asked, and I shuffled the best I could. He tugged on the back of my shirt, raising it a little, and he sucked in a tight breath.
"What is it?" I sniffled, unable to see; I couldn't even twist in that direction.
"Nothing too bad," he told me lightly. "Just a few bruises where she's been kicking, I guess. Does this hurt?" he asked, pressing on them.
"Fuck, YES IT DOES!"
He winced as I basically shouted in his ear.
"Let me get you an ice pack or something," he mumbled, trying to rise to his feet, but I clamped my arms around him, whimpering. I didnt want to let him go, and I was tense, my shoulders hurting.
Everything hurt.
"It's okay," Andy said softly in my ear. "You're almost through this, angel, it's okay. You wanna rest on the couch?"
I nodded, sniffling, and he slowly helped me up to my feet, practically carrying me to the couch and sitting me down around all the pillows. He walked hastily to the kitchen, grabbing some ice in the freezer and wrapping it up in a towel before sitting on the edge of the couch, pressing it against my side for me.
I flinched, and I felt Gracie shift immediately, as if she was withdrawing.
I let my breath go, feeling relieved as the pressure eased right there, and my shoulders slumped. I leaned back against the pillows, feeling exhausted all of a sudden.
"Better?" Andy asked, and I nodded, rubbing my eyes.
"How did you know that would work?"
"I didn't, I just know what I did when my ribs broke," he shrugged, brushing his hair behind his ears; it was getting really long again. "Ice helps. Maybe it'll help calm Grace down."
"Maybe," I mumbled, immensely glad he'd come home, though I did feel really guilty about it. I looked down at my hands where they were clenched in my lap, then up at him where he sat beside me, my right beside pressed against the cushions, the ice pack staying there.
"Thanks... for coming back," I said after a moment. "I didnt know what to do."
"Of course I came back," he muttered, turning to glance at me. "You needed me, didn't you? I know Gracie is going to be a pain, but we're gonna have to deal with her together, right?"
"Yeah."
Right. Together.
We were even going to stay together after she was born?
She shuffled again, as if irritated at the both of us, and Andy blinked as she kicked against where his hand rested on my stomach.
"She's grouchy," I told him with an attempt at a wry smile.
"I can tell. You need to be better to your mommy, little one," he sighed, rubbing my stomach gently. "Don't be so mean, she's the only you got. Don't burn your bridges just yet."
I chuckled slightly, amused.
Andy hesitated, glancing at my face, and then he straightened and pulled away from me completely as he got to his feet.
"Are you gonna be okay?" he asked, looking uncomfortable as he stood there, hovering, and I nodded.
"Yeah, probably."
"Okay, 'cuz I really gotta get back," he hesitated. "Unless you need me to stay a while longer?"
Yes. I wanted him to stay, I wanted him to be here with me and go through this with me and help me because I had no idea what I was doing.
"No, it's okay, go on, I should be fine now." I told him dismissively, waving my hand as I curled my knees to my chest. "Don't worry about it."
He almost looked disappointed. "Okay... you need anything? I can bring something back, or ---."
"No."
"Oh... okay..." he frowned, and then started moving for the door, as if giving up.
"Um, Andy, can ---?"
"Yes?" he turned immediately.
"Um, can you hand me my phone?"

Notes

So Gracie is getting a little wild! She's probably tired of being cramped!
Are Leah and Andy going to make up any time soon? Or are things going to be strained?

Leave a comment, thanks for reading!