Finding Grace

"Are you sure you're okay?" Vale fretted, fluttering over me. "You don't look good! Do you need to go to the hospital?"
"No," I huffed, trying to ignore her.
Andy hadn't come home yet, he'd been gone all day and it was like eight now, avoiding me I suppose.
I didn't doubt Ashley had warned him I knew, so now he was probably dreading coming back.
Plot twist, I wasn't even going to mention anything.
I was tired of fighting with him.
I was tired of things seeming to go fine and then just exploding.
I would just pretend I didn't see the texts, that I didn't know... I didn't want to fight about it.
But if he had just told me I wouldn't have cared si much.
It just hurt my feelings.
"Vale, you're making it worse. She'll only calm down when she wants too," I mumbled, regretting intensely that she'd come over.
She'd come to keep me company and listen to my woes, not make them worse twittering around me every time I grimaced.
Gracie was kicking so.much she was driving me crazy at this point; I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do, and the dawned doctor I was seeing was out of town.
Oh god, what if I ended up like the girl on knocked up?
I didn't want birth to go like that.
I better be on so much pain medications I could see four versions of the doctor.
We looked over as the door opened, and I rolled my eyes as Andy and CC walked in.
CC wouldn't protect him and he knew it.
Andy glanced at me, and then frowned, making a beeline to where I sat hunched over.
"What's wrong?" he asked instantly, kneeling beside me.
"She's just moving agajn," I mumbled. "She won't sit still."
"Is she kicking bad ?"
"only in spurts, it's fine."
"Not that I'm superstitious or anything, but doesn't that mean the baby's coming soon?" CC asked from the kitchen counter.
"She better not, she'd be early," I huffed, leaning back slightly. "She has another two months to go."
"Leah, you were an early baby," Vale pointed out to me from across the room, sitting on top of the counters where we ate. "Weren't you supposed to be born in February?"
"Yeah, but ---."
"So.maybe it takes after its mother," CC supplied brightly.
I rolled my eyes.
She wasn't an it.
Not anymore.
I frowned down at my stomach.
I wanted her to be healthy and whole and perfect, I wanted nothing to be wrong, I wanted everything to go smoothly.
My pregnancy had been a disaster so far, so maybe at least the birth could go smoothly?
Then again, who was I kidding?
Kabinovs did nothing smoothly.
"I'm sorry I'm so late," Andy said softly after a minute, brushing at my hair. "I'm didn't mean to be."
"Juliet keep you longer then you intended?" I muttered, the words just popping out of my mouth.
He froze.
"I wouldn't be mad if you would have just told me," I mumbled, both of us keeping our voices low so vale wouldn't hear. "You don't have to sneak around behind my back like I'm some kind of horrid old bag ---."
Like my mother.
Was I as bad as my mother already that my own husband didn't didn't want to come home?
Had I become that already?
"Leah, I just didn't want to upset you."
"You wouldn't have upset me. Well, I would wonder why you want to see her when you're married and she's your ex girlfriend and you promised ---."
"So you can see Xavier all you want but ---."
"this has nothing to do with him! why do you always make it about him? Why can you have friends but I can't?"
Now I was getting upset.
He always turned this on him, always.
"obviously I don't care about you having friends, Leah, but ---."
"But what? Do I annoy you that badly? Trust me, if I could get out of here already I would!"
"Leah ---."
"Just leave me alone," I hissed, forcing myself to my feet.
He stood, and I glared up at him, clenching my hands.
"Get out of my way."
"No. You're not doing this." he glared at me, and I glared right back up at him, furious.
"Move."
"I'm not moving! Sit back down and we're going to talk about this right fucking now!"
"Don't you cuss at me!"
"You cuss at me all the time in Russian, don't think I don't know it!"
"Ugh, we're gonna go!" CC called, his fingers clenched in Vales as they hastily rushed for the front door. "See you guys later!"
The door slammed behind them.
"Andy, I don't want to talk about this," I turned away from him and started the other way around the couch.
I heard him make a frustrated sound before he strode around the other side of the couch and stepped in front of me again.
If I wasn't so fat and slow I could have escaped easily.
"We're gonna talk now, okay? Because if we don't everything between us is just going to continue to get worse!"
"Andy ---."
"Sit down!" he barked, and I jumped slightly. I hesitated, but the look on his face told me I didn't even want to dare to argue, so I quickly scuttled back to the couch and sat down, looking at my hands.
Andy huffed, then sat on the coffee table in front of me.
"Don't look like that," he muttered, and I glanced up at him unhappily.
I didn't say anything,; if he wanted to talk now was his chance.
"Leah," he took a deep breath, "look, I know I'm not especially great at the whole husband thing. But I'm trying, okay? You have to give me a break."
I pressed my lips together, continuing to stare at my hands.
He was the one who was acting stupid, lying to me, seeing his ex girlfriend...
Why were those the only two things I could think of right now?
"And it's not like this is easy for me either," he continued when I didn't speak. "I know you're carrying it, but ---."
"Her."
"What?"
"The baby is a her, her name is Gracie, she's NOT an it."
He wanted to roll his eyes, i.know he did.
"I know you're carrying HER," he corrected calmly, "but I'm basically carrying the both of you, remember? I'm trying really hard, Leah, I really am. And I love you." He reached forward to clasp my hands, his fingers warm as always. "But I need some slack. I'm not perfect, but I'm trying. I've changed everything in my life for you ---."
"I've changed everything in mine too," I interrupted, glancing up at his face. "I've left my apartment, which I'm still having to pay half the rent for since we're still in our lease. I can't go out anymore and see anyone or do anything and I'm trapped in this place all the time ----."
"I know, and I try to stay here with you but it have to work, I have to go to the studio, I have to get the mail and pay all the bills that are starting to rack up---."
"What bills could you possibly have?" I snapped, straightening. "Car insurance and rent? Boo hoo. I'm paying for two freaking hospital stays ---."
"You could have avoided the second one if you hadn't ---."
"Don't you fucking dare," I hissed at him, jerking my hands away from his. "I was scared something was wrong with the baby!"
"Because you did something the doctor told you not too!" he snapped, abruptly standing. "He told you to stay here and you ran the fuck off without a thought about our child!"
"all I think about is this baby, Andy, don't you ---."
"I'm not saying you don't care," he snapped, his eyes starting to darken as I rattled his temper. "I'm saying your irresponsible, Leah. And I know you're not taking your medicine, too. So your panicky, and paranoid and freaking out all over again!"
How did he know I wasn't taking it? I flushed the pills daily to make sure it looked like I was, and he picked them up for me and --- fuck.
"They're bad for the baby," I muttered, staring down at my hands guiltily. "They have a warning and it says it can cause preterm labor and it scares ---."
"Well fuck, Leah, just get it changed! It's not that hard to do, you know."
"It is when you can't even go to the doctor by yourself and you have to rely on everyone!" I cried, rising unsteadily to my feet. "I'm trapped here all the time with no way out!"
"It's not my fault you don't like to drive!"
"Well sorry if my issues don't make it easier on you!"
And we still needed to buy car seats.
I'd forgotten all about those.
Would they even fit in his car?
"YOU don't make it easier on me!" he practically yelled, and I flinched. "Why do you have to make everything so difficult? Why can't you just take your medicine and go to the doctor and not rage over every fucking thing!?"
"I don't rage! I ---."
"You rage! Over. Everything," he hissed, turning one word into three. "And I can never get any sleep! I'm exhausted and you drive me crazy!"
I just looked at him.
I felt my eyes well with tears so I looked down quickly, trying to be angry so I wouldn't start crying.
"I know you have anxiety, Leah, and nightmares, and I understand, " he sighed, running his hands through his hair. "I know your life was bad then, but that's why you have your medicine! So you don't freak out!"
"I --- I'm sorry," I sniffled, trying really hard not to cry. "I don't, I don't mean to be, I --- I ---."
Andy sighed, as if he felt pained over having to deal with me, and I jerked away from him before he could touch me, and he looked like I'd physically slapped him.
"Don't do that again."
Do what?
I glanced up at him uncertainly, seeing his jaw clenched.
What did I do?
"Leah, I have NEVER hurt you," he stepped closer to me slowly. "Have I?"
I shook my head.
"So don't flinch away from me again. I thought we were past that. I would never --- fuck," he muttered, shaking his head. "I'm not him, okay?"
I knew exactly who he was talking about, and I knew he wasn't him; he would never be him.
I looked down, twisting my hands nervously.
"Leah, look at me."
I shook my head, refusing.
"Leah," I felt his fingers under my chin, forcing my face up where I had no choice. I tried to turn away, but his grip was firm."Look at me!"
I cringed, but flicked My eyes up.
"I'm not Romochka, okay? And you're not your mother." my gaze wavered. "I'm love you, more then I ever have anyone else. You and that baby mean the world to me and I am trying so HARD to make you believe that. I will never hit you, got it? I will never be cruel to you that way I will never make you feel like they did I ---."
"We're not in love, Andy," I whispered, stopping him. "Not anymore."

Notes

Annd I'm Baaackkkk :)Sorry for the major absence, I had a lot going on for me, but now I might be able to post more like normal again!And there is drama unfolding, as per usual, with Leah and Andy!Pregnancy just does not suit Leah whatsoever, huh?Annyyywaayyy, what do you guys think? Please leave a comment and let me know! I know I'm not as consistent updating as I should be, and I'm very sorry about that >