Finding Grace

"She can't stay here!" I heard Vale hissing. "Not like this!"
I fiddled with the end of the covers on my bed, my face buried in the pillow as I listened to Vale and Clarke argue, CC quiet after she'd snapped at him a few times when he'd tried to help.
I'd made such a mess of things.
Running off like that had been so stupid, and I'd endangered the baby being so foolhardy.
But what was I supposed to do?
Andy didn't want us, and I didn't blame him.
This was my fault, not his, and she was my baby. I'd sprung all this on him and not given him a chance to adjust before I'd been moving in and we'd been married and I'd been having my psychotic cleaning moments and random fits because I couldn't find anything to wear or I couldn't paint my toes because I couldn't reach them.
And why would he want to be married to me anyway?
I was a disaster.
And we'd been on the road to breaking up anyway.
I felt tears slip down my nose and into the pillow, creating damp spots.
Vale didn't want us here either.
I should have expected that.
But I didn't have anywhere else to go.
This was supposed to be my home.
"It's okay, baby," I whispered, feeling her move. "We're gonna be okay. Mommys gonna take care of you."
If she didn't have a psychotic break first.
I took a shuddery breath as I sat up, hearing thunder in the distance. We got rain sometimes here, but I wasn't excited it was for today.
I fiddled with my keyring, pulling the apartment key off and tossing it onto the end table. I guess I wouldn't be needing that anymore, or even this one, I thought, jerking Andys off too.
I didn't need them.
I was a successful musician, I had enough money to survive on my own without anyones help.
Hell, I didn't even need a band, I could go solo.
I could raise Gracie by myself and none of them would have to be bothered with me ever again if that's what they wanted.
I knew I was in a bad place right now, my hormones and my emotions wild, especially since I'd been neglecting the new prescription that was supposed to be safe to take while pregnant; but I'd read in too many places where it CAUSED early labor, and it scared me that that had been what happened before.
So I picked up the prescription, but I wasn't taking it.
Not if it would hurt her.
I looked down at my hands, polish chipping off my dirty nails.
Gracie moved again, and I sniffled, pressing my hand against my black shirt.
It's gonna be okay, I thought again, hearing a door slam outside.
I slowly rose to my feet and moved to the door, cracking it open and seeing the livingroom was empty.
I could hear Vale and Clarke arguing in her room, their voices muffled, and so I stepped out of my room and headed to the front door, quickly leaving the apartment.
I took my time going down the steps, and then made it outside onto the sidewalk, glancing over as I saw CC pacing a little ways down on the phone, his face pinched with worry.
I was making such a mess.
I turned my back to him and hailed a cab, hoping he wouldn't recognize me. I slipped in one just as the rain started, and I gave the driver the address of where I'd decided to go.
I only hoped he would take me in.
An hour later we pulled up in front of Club Dremel, and I stepped out into the rain, the cabbie giving me a concerned look I ignored as I paid him.
I hurried to the deserted club, the rain drenching me, plastering my hair to my face as I jerked the door open and stepped inside, shivering.
"Xavier?" I called into the silent club; it was weird seeing it like this, so empty.
A head popped up from the bar, and Xavier Martin stared at me in surprise.
"What the hell, Leah?" he demanded, practically running around the bar and to where I stood dripping and shaking in the doorway, messing up his clean floors. "What are you doing here?"
"I --- I didn't have anywhere else to go," I sniffled, moping at my face. "I don't know what to do."
Xavier stared at me.
He still had his hair colored blue-green, and his dark eyes were lined in black eyeliner, his open vest showing an expanse of tattooed chest.
He looked so much better then I did.
"Fuck, you're shaking! Come upstairs and we'll get you dried off," he said, leading me to the apartment above the club, guiding me by the shoulders.
I stood awkwardly a moment, seeing it looked exactly the same as it had before, though now it didn't smell like a meth lab. The couch was new, but the faded blanket with the owl had always been there, and the coffee Table still had drink rings and cigarette burns coating it.
Xavier appeared from the bathroom holding towels. he quickly dried my hair, and offered me some of his clothes.
When I had changed, I sat down on his couch, clenching my cold hands in my lap as he laid a blanket around my shoulders.
"What happened?" he asked, sitting down close beside me. "Last night everything seemed okay."
"Andy missed the appointment today," I sniffled, clenching my fingers tighter. "And I kind of lost it on him. I shouldn't have, but I was so mad."
"It was an important appointment, wasn't it? Your first since the hospital?"
"Yeah." I bobbed my head. "Everything was normal, the doctor said. And I tried to call him all day but he ignored me because he knew I was mad," I started to cry again, all I ever did; I hated myself for being so weak. "And then we had another fight and I went to Vales but she didn't want me there and I didn't have anywhere else to go and I don't know what to do and ---."
I was becoming so upset I couldn't speak.
"Shh, shh, it's okay," Xavier told me quickly, pulling my sobbing form against his chest. I wailed pitifully, clutching at his vest as I wept, needing someone to not tell me to leave.
Someone had to want me to stay.
This was the last place I had.
"I have nowhere to go," I wept. "No one wants us."
"That's not true," Xavier crooned, rubbing my back soothingly. "I'm sure everything was just a big misunderstanding."
"Like my marriage. He doesn't love me!"
"You don't know that!"
"If he did he wouldn't act this way! I know he didn't want this, but neither did I," I pulled away to wipe at my face. "But it's happening now."
"Look, babe, Andy is a piece of shit, I've said that since the beginning," Xavier brushed my frizzing hair behind my ear. "But you married him, you're having his kid."
"I don't wanna be married!"
"You can divorce him later if you want," Xavier told me. "But right now let's take a deep breath, okay?"
I nodded, trying to do as he instructed, but I merely exhaled on a miserable sob, thunder booming over the apartment and making everything shake.
Xavier glanced up, and then pulled me back into his warm arms, rocking me and trying to make me feel better.
It was almost like old times.
I'd never slept with him, no matter what people said, we'd just been really close.
I hated that drugs had ruined our friendship, but maybe it didn't have to be that way now. He seemed so much better, and he was being so kind to me and he had been and he actually listened to me when I talked and gave me attention.
That's all I wanted Andy to do, just give me some attention and not act like I bothered him.
I didn't mean to bother him.
"Shh," Xavier rocked me. "Baby, it's gonna be okay. You're gonna be a wonderful mother, with or without Andy. You don't need him for anything, you know that. You're successful, you have a shit ton of money. Your babys not gonna want for anything. You don't need him."
He was right, I didn't need Andy for anything.
But I wanted him so badly it hurt.
I wanted him to care about me like he had in the beginning, to love me as much as he'd seemed too.
I wasn't sure where we'd gone wrong, or what I'd done to mess up so badly that he didn't even wanna be around me, that he didn't wanna come home.
I knew what it was like to dread going home to someone, and now I was becoming that person, and it made everything so much worse.
"Let it out," Xavier murmured as I wailed brokenly, unable to stop anymore. "I got you, I'm gonna take care of you, Leah. It's gonna be okay."

Notes