Finding Grace

"Andy!"
He ignored me, striding off the bus, completely leaving me behind him.
I sobbed, pressing my hands over my face, sinking miserably to my knees.
The look of horror on his face ... He didn't want this baby.
I wept loudly, unable to control myself, and Ashley knelt beside me, wrapping his arms around me and holding me tightly, rocking me back and forth against his chest.
"Shh, it's okay, he's just in shock," he told me, holding me like a child, "he didn't mean that. He'll... He'll come around."
"He doesn't want it," I wept against his chest. "He doesn't want it."
"He does! He just doesn't know it yet. He needs time to think it over," he murmured, my nails digging into his chest where I clung to his shirt. "Just give him some time, he'll come around. He was already freaked out."
"He thought I would cheat on him," I whimpered. "I would never!"
"He knows that," Ashley told me gently, stroking my hair. "He knows, Leah, it's okay. He's just in shock."
"I shouldn't have told him --- I shouldve just gotten rid of it --- what of that's what he wants?" I gasped, hardly able to speak. "I couldn't! I-I---."
"Breathe, Leah!"
I tried, but I think I was starting to have a panic attack.
I felt dizzy, and I couldn't breathe --- everything was going wrong!
Ashley pulled away from me, gripping my face tightly, but I couldn't hear him, and I pressed my hands over my face, everything starting to shake and crash and fall down.
"Leah!"
I had to get out of here
! I staggered to my feet in a panic, and bolted out of the bus, running as far from it as I could, hearing Ashley shout at me. But I couldn't stay there --- I couldn't stand the thought of being in that bus anymore.
I had to go somewhere, anywhere --- I had to get away!
I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown.
I ran blindly, eventually finding myself at a rusted playground. I walked across the hard ground, wrapping my arms around myself.
I sat down slowly in one of the swings, it squeeking in protest.
He didn't want it, our baby.
I felt so devastated.
I hadn't wanted it either, but... But it was real. It was living, and it was real, and I couldn't just pretend it wasn't there, that it wasn't a child.
Our child.
That he didn't want.
I whimpered, forcing my hands over my ears.
Everything had gone to shit.
I wanted my pills, I felt so out of control and crazy; my new prescription hadn't come in yet, and Dr. Roma had warned me that my hormones would go crazy with my pregnancy and my already shaky ability to handle stress.
Panic attacks were nothing new to me.
But I felt like I was losing my mind, and I was so scared.
I felt so alone.
There was no one left.
Vale wouldn't understand --- she would judge me for being stupid. I hadn't gotten along with Nate in months, and I knew that relationship was completely done. Clarke just talked to his girlfriend constantly, he didn't have time for anyone else.
And Andy thought I'd been cheating on him with Ashley, so I didn't dare think I could call on him; I didn't want to make things worse then they were.
God, what had happened to me? I had never been like this before.
I'm going crazy, I decided, putting my hands over my face. Completely psycho.
Who would want a crazy girl?
I'm gonna end up just like my mother, I realized, new tears seeping from my eyes.
She had snapped when my dad had died, had just went crazy and evil and cruel.
What if I did that to my baby?
It didn't need me as a mother!
I would be awful as a parent.
I wept, feeling stupid and weak and useless. I felt like I had no control anymore, over anything, and I just wanted go break down and completely disappear forever.
That would be preferable to having to feel everything that I did.
I heard thunder in the distance, and raised my head, seeing the dark clouds.
That matched my situation perfectly.
I let my.hands drop into my lap, staring at them as I felt the rain drops start.
Maybe I could just wash away with the rain.

Notes

Okay you guys, part three will be uploaded tomorrow!