Finding Grace

Ashley sat across the booth from me, waiting on all of his takeout as we sat. I had my forehead pressed against the sticky table, and I hadn't stopped crying yet.
I wanted to rock back and forth and scream at the world and cry and freak out and a whole lot of things I couldn't do at once because my multi-tasking was shit.
Everything I did was shit.
I couldn't even not get pregnant.
"Stop beating yourself up, Leah," Ashley told me, pushing a hot chocolate in my direction. "Drink this, it'll make you feel better."
"Not unless there's vodka in it."
Ashley pulled it back to him with a frown.
"It's not the end of the world, and it's not like you have a normal job. You can work around it easy."
I sniffled, raising my head slightly. "How can I work around a screaming, drooling monstrosity?" I muttered, staring at him through my bloodshot eyes. "I don't even want kids."
What if I became like my mother?
No child should suffer that.
I let my forehead drop again.
This was awful, the end of the world to me.
"Leah, are you... Are you gonna get rid of it?" Ashleys voice was soft.
I didn't know, I really didn't. I didn't want it, Andy wouldn't either. It would fuck up our careers and put everything on hold, including the lives of my band members. And I couldn't live with Vale while having a baby, either, I would have to move out.
Andy wouldn't want to be with me, either, and I wasn't sure if he would want to be in its life.
And what if I was like my mother and hurt it? Our baby didn't need to suffer the same childhood I had.
That's what scared me the most.
I could just snap one day, just like her --- I already had to take medication just tl keep myself from freaking out all the time.
What was I gonna do?
"I don't know," I said after a moment. "I don't know."
"You need to tell Andy before you make any decisions," Ashleys hand crept across the table to cover mine. "That's his decision too."
"I don't know how," my voice cracked. "How can I tell him his life is over?"
"Leah, it's not over," he sighed. "Don't treat it like it is. This is just a new, a new adventure! You should be thrilled, you're keeping the human race from dying out! And you'll be a great mom, too. You're already kind of momish anyway."
That didn't make anything better.
"Leah, please," Ashley begged, "it's not so bad. You can finish Warped up, I'm sure. You can't be that far along."
That was true.
I raised my head slightly. "I'm gonna get so fat. Who wants to see a fat person running around the stage?"
"Leah," he glared at me. "You know better then that! don't be ridiculous. Besides, people are there for the music, not to judge you."
It's like all my insecurities were suddenly flooding to the surface.
"I feel sick," I muttered, straightening.
"Do you need to ---?"
"No," I shook my head. I wrapped my arms around myself.
Step one, call Dr. Roma and let her tell me what to do. Step two, get a blood test done and see how far along you are. Step three, debate whether or not--- no, how, I corrected myself --- to tell Andy you two had just had the worst little complication ever. Step four, decide what to do about it.
Why was step three and four so scary?

Notes

Is Andy even going to know he ever had a child at this rate?