Faint

Courtney's POV:

I'm surrounded by blackness.

My vision slowly returns, and the darkness fades to an eerie whiteness, before fading once again to a lovely view of an isolated beach. The waves steadily lick the silky sand; rolling storm clouds fading into the horizon. The wind begins to pick up, blowing my dress around my small frame. The thin material clings to my body, the long slit at the hem revealing my pale legs. The white fabric is silky, and the dress is strapless, making me feel somewhat like a runaway bride on her wedding day.

That's when I realize what's actually happening.

"Fuck!" I scream aloud, throwing my hands up in exasperation.

I'm back to that weird faze between life and death. And I hate it.

As before, a intense storm brews in the dark clouds above, taunting me, but also luring me in at the same time. The severity of the waves magnifies, until they are practically dragging me to sea with each powerful push of water.

And i let them eventually. Finding no reason to fight them, after all, I'm pretty sure two suicide attempts means its the real deal. So I allow for the water to pull my under, waiting for it to drown me. I've accepted it.

But the water doesn't plunge me into its depths like I originally thought. Instead, it simply tugs me along until the water is up t my hips, and then the water calms, until it stills all together. I wait for it to begin again, but it just... doesn't.

Images begin to flash against the stark sky, like lightning striking from the clouds. They each roll by, one after another. Scenes of my past, images of what was, and what could've been. All I can do is stare in awe and fright as my life is turned into a series of moving pictures, frame after frame passing until it never really existed.

They all are related to my relationship with ashley somehow. Pictures of our few fights during my childhood, scenes where i stayed home from school in my early teens, because i missed him so much. The hours where I would stare blankly at the wall, letting the numbness consume me, until i would give in to the temptations clawing at my conscious. I would slice open vein after vein if it meant he could feel some of my pain. Carry a bit of my burden. But he didn't, he forgot about me. Letting me slip from his mind, maybe forever if Andy hadn't randomly decided to tell Ashley about me.

And that's when it hit me. Hard. I collapse to my knees at the very impact of it, the thought crushing me from the inside out. I claw desperately at my chest, hoping to ease some of the pain, but nothing happens. If anything, the crushing feeling intensifies, and I curl into a small ball, wanting nothing more than to cut myself open and rid myself of this horrid pain.

What i've wanted, what I've always wanted, was his approval. Was his love and care. I wanted for him to be proud of me, for him to say to me that I did a good job, and for him to mean it. I wanted for him to say i was pretty, not just that i looked good. I craved for his very approval, the very thing i feared I would never get. I wanted to best him, if that meant he would be proud.

I realize that everything i did after he left was all for him. To either get his attention, or to make him smile and be proud of something i'd achieved on my own. It consumed me, choking me until i couldn't breathe. I remember nights where I'd cry myself to sleep, just wondering what his reaction would be if I died, curious if he still occasionally thought of me. And when I would think maybe he didn't care, that at my supposed funeral, he would laugh at my bloodied corpse.

Because really, did he eve care?

If he ever did, then why was this happening to me? Then why did i feel this way? If he really cared, where was he?

Tick. Tick. Tick.

Each second passing,
by without no one noticing
Nobody ever notices,
how those who smile the most, hurt the most
How every moment going by,
someone dies,
a life is lost
Yet no one noticed
Or cared

Would you notice?
If i just suddenly
Disappeared
Vanished without a trace?
And then you see me again,
my lifeless body,
covered in scars, old and new.
The permanent frown,
never to be replaced by a warm smile
Maybe I was never smiling,
maybe I was faking
But you never noticed
Or cared

A year goes by-
how many seconds?
I've never left your mind,
guilt radiating out of every pore
Wondering if it was your fault
Maybe it was
Or wasn't
If you simply
Could've cared
Even a little bit
Just enough to ask "are you okay?" and mean it
But I guess you never noticed
Or cared

My body - now withered and six feet under
haunts your dreams
you wonder fi you could've somehow prevented it
Saved me
But you didn't
You ignored me
You left me
Alone
To deal with my demons
While you lived and flourished,
away from me and my problems
Happy
You were at last,
until my death
And you began to rethink your life
Wondering how you never noticed
Why you never cared
And you begin to think maybe
Just maybe
It was
All your
Fault

And then it happens
You realize that time is going by faster than expected
Wasn't I beside you not a year ago?
And when I needed you,
you weren't there
You were never there

Time is going by
faster than we want
One second i'm here
The next I'm not
Maybe you could've stopped it
Or maybe it was fate
But all that matters now
Is that you were too late

Tick. Tick. Ti-

Notes

This was an exceptionally difficult chapter to write. In this chapter, I am Courtney. Wondering why my brother, whom I love to death, was never there. Why he abandoned me. Why he never asked what was wrong. He's never told me that he was proud, or that i was pretty. And I find that all my problems direct back to my wanting for him to be proud of me. I need to best him, but i can't.

When I told him I cut myself, he didn't cry. He didn't really react, all he did was tell me to tell our parents. He thinks I'm a bomb now, unsure when i'm going to go off, and he's.. different. My parents cried when I told them I was involved with self-harm, he didn't.

Why didn't he care? Why didn't he do anything?

I'm sorry, I'm bothering you guys, btu i have no one to turn to about thsi stuff. btw, I wrote the poem thing in ittalics at the end today. I love it, so be nice to it, okay?