My Saving Grace

I shove the pills in my mouth, chewing the bitter tablets instantly and swallow, drinking water with it. The banging gets louder and loud crashing sound erupts in the air. Oh no, he's in the room. I quickly lean over the tube feeling a little dizzy and scooping up some more pills. "Jessica, stop!" Brandon rushes over and smacks the pills out of my hand. My vision goes in and out for a second. It's working, the pills are slowly pulling me to my death. He grabs my wrists and I yelp in pain, He stops and turns my arms over. "Oh no." He says looking at the many gashes in my arm. He takes off his shirt and wraps it around one of my arms and taking my shirt from the floor and wrapping it around my other arm. The room starts to spin and my heart beats faster.

"Did you take any of the pills?" He asks. I don't respond, my breathing starts to slow down. "I love you Brandon..." I whisper closing my eyes. He shakes my shoulders viciously. "Jessica open your eyes. Throw it up, now! Please Jessica, please." He begs. I shake my head, keeping my eyes closed. "No...Brandon, it's okay. It's okay..." I whisper, I can feel myself being pulled into sleep. I hear sirens roar outside but they'll be too late. "Jessica! Open your eyes, I wont let you die!" He cries shaking me harshly. I'm sure he's screaming but it sounds so distant. "Almost there." The girl whispers. I smile, "Yes." I mumble back. I feel myself being lifted out of the water before I completely fall into blackness.

Then it all comes to me, every image that has met my eye. Every person I've ever seen, every building, everything. Strong emotions come over me, happiness, sadness, madness, frustration, confusion....every feeling I have ever felt comes to me. And then it all comes together, every moment of my life comes into view. It flashes before my eyes, the years going by quickly. I see dad....mom, Brandon..I see school....I see Andy, but I see the times we had before I lost my memory. It slows down at this part, I see Andy catching me from my death, him telling me something that I don't hear. And then I see the hill, the candles the beautiful sky. And then waking up in his room, Ashley, CC, Amy, Callie. I see everything. And then I see me at the bridge again....but this time I slip.

I don't jump...it was and accident. I wanted to be alive, that wasn't supposed to happen. And then I see Andy kissing me, then leaving. Anger stands out the most right now. He gave up! Didn't even try! And then I see him coming back and me rejecting him. Telling him that I hate him. It speeds up going so fast I barley see it. And then a white light flashes in my eyes. "Clear!" The voice is so distant. I feel an electric shock go through my body and I hear beeping. "Clear!" I feel another shock, shaking my whole body. Black comes into view, the whiteness fading away.

I can hear them, i can feel them around me. They're rushing me through a hospital hall, the white lights illuminate against my eyelids. My jaws are forced open and a thick liquid is forced down my throat. Seconds later I force my eyes open, throwing up in the floor next to me. I throw up until I have nothing left in my stomach. No! That was my only escape, the only way to end my pain. I scream and unstrap the buckle that's across my waist. I roll out of the bed and fall to the floor. A nurse grabs me form behind, pinning my arms down. I scream again, kicking my feet in the air. Another nurse grabs my legs and they pin me to the bed. I feel weak, and I'm shaking badly. "Let me go!" They put the metal bars up and strap my bandaged wrists to them. They do the same with my feet and all I can do is scream. I hate the feeling of being trapped, I pull against the restraints, screaming as loud as I can.

I feel a sharp pinch in my arm and glance up to see the long needle being pulled away. No I was supposed to die. I wasn't supposed to live. I don't fall asleep, but I stay in a daze. I don't try to move, just stare up at the passing lights. I groan as we come to a stop. The straps are taken off my wrists and ankles. I try to move but I can't. It's like my bones have been paralyzed. I'm lifted up and put on to a different bed. My wrists are once again strapped to the bed along with my ankles. What do they think I can do when I'm basically paralyzed. I close my eyes and everything falls silent.

I open my eyes and the room has disappeared. It's all white, except the girl standing in front of me. "You've failed..." She whispers. I shake my head. "No, it wasn't my fault, Brandon came in before I could die..." I say. "Then you have to do it again. And you have to succeed, and if that doesn't work...do it again. If you don't do it completely, then the pain will never end. Do you want that?" I shake my head. "Then do it." I nod and blink, I'm back in the hospital room. I stare up at the ceiling, not making any sounds. The restraints are still tightly around my wrists and ankles, pinning me to the bed. And then I remember everything, before and after i lost my memory. I gasp, remembering how I told Andy I hate him. I sit up as far as the restraints will allow and stop when I see him.

Andy stands at the edge of my bed. So many emotions swirl in my head. I'm happy to see him, but I'm also mad at him for giving up For leaving me when I needed him the most. Our eyes meet and our glances lock. I'm speechless, I don't know what to say. I look around, Brandon's not here, usually he'd be stuck to my side like a lost puppy. I take a deep breath and try to play calm. "Where's Brandon?" I mumble. "He had to cool off and get some air, He's mad." "Mad at what?" I ask. A slight grin plays across his face. "What do you think?" He asks, his face growing serious again. I don't answer, just stare at him.

Andy's POV:

She remembers, I know she does. I wander if she's going to tell me that she does. But knowing that she tried to kill herself breaks my heart. I read her suicide note to me, she said it wasn't because of me, but I know it was. I feel so bad for driving her to that, I should've stayed and tried, but I didn't. I ran away from my problems like a coward. She lays back down, her face is filled with sadness. She sighs and looks out the window. "I had to, you know?" She asks. I don't answer. She sniffles and I glance up to see a tear running down her cheek. "That's the only way I can get the pain to stop." I look up and she's looking at me. I want to say something, but I don't know what to say.

I stand, staying silent. "I'm just tired of it, I'm tired of feeling pain, of being hurt, feeling alone and lost. Feeling like I'm not needed. I'm just a waste of space..." She trails off, shutting her eyes tightly. "Of feeling ignored by the person that made me actually believe for a second, that love was real. But then that same person turned their back on me and showed me why love doesn't exist. And you know, maybe it was my fault too. I told that person that I hated him. When deep down it was killing me to say even that. And then it hurt more after I saw what we truly had, for him to leave it all behind that easily." She says, crying the whole time. She's talking about me, I know she is.

Jessica's POV:

"Maybe, the guy you love....maybe he was ignoring you because he didn't want to hurt you. Maybe he didn't realize how much he truly hurt you. Maybe he thought you would never get your memory back so he didn't want to stick around and ruin your life. Maybe he thought you'd be better off without him. Maybe, it wasn't easy for him to leave. Maybe it was very hard to let go. Maybe it broke him to hear the words I hate you, out of the girl he loves. Maybe he thought that you weren't ever going to love him because he knew you have been hurt. That you're scared to fall in love. Maybe he couldn't stay around you, knowing you could never truly love him back. Maybe, maybe his heart is breaking at this very second. Maybe he hates knowing you wanted to kill yourself because you think that's the only way to end your pain..." He says this, looking me in my eyes the whole time.

I never knew that's how he really felt, I couldn't look past my own pain to see that he was hurting just as bad. I was so selfish, not caring how he felt He turns around and leaves. I open my mouth to call after him but shut it. I lean my head back and close my eyes. I mad him leave, again. Maybe I'm just going to have to accept that love is real, and I have fallen in its trap, Its cold walls slowly crushing me.

Notes

Guys, there is a Troll named bvb_kiss_my_ass and I just want to say, please don't feed into him/her. All he/her wants is attention, and yes I know we want to beat the shit out of people like this and defend the people we look up to. But, if we argue with him/her he/her is just going to keep going, but if we don't he/she will eventually leave just like BVBsucks. please, hang in there.