My Saving Grace

It's been two weeks. Two weeks since I told him, two weeks since I've seen him. Two weeks of agonizing pain, physical and mental. Two days after that they let me go home. Amy has came over to hang out a few times, other than that I stay in my room. I stay and cry in my room, I cry for nothing. I don't even know him and I somehow fell in love with him in seconds. Why, and how? How could I fall in love with someone that easily?

But it wasn't love, love does not exist. Maybe it was something else, maybe it was the attention he gave me for those mere seconds. I don't get a lot of attention, not like I crave it but it's good to have it every now and then. I don't get it from my mom, I know that much. She mostly ignores Brandon and I, we don't talk or see her for days. It's sad, very sad.

I grip the covers tightly, pulling them to my chest. Tears fall from my cheeks and stain my black pillow. Losing your memory and not knowing if you truly loved someone or not is frustrating. I groan, shutting my eyes. I've tried to forget him, I have. But it's so hard.

"Do it. If you do, the pain will stop." The girl whispers to me. She's been non stop, telling me it would end I keep debating whether I should or not. Then again, I ask myself why do I stay? I have no reason. No purpose, I'm not needed, I'm not wanted. I sigh closing my eyes. "Okay." I say back. "'I'll do it." I say aloud. I throw the covers off of me and stand up, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand. I grab a couple pieces of paper and a pen.

Dear Brandon,

Brother, I'm sorry that you had to find me like this. I didn't want it to end like this, I promise. But if I stayed I would suffer. I fought for years, but now I can't do this any longer. You may think what I have done is selfish, maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Maybe one day you'll feel what I felt, but I hope not. I hope you don't have to go through the pain I did. Or maybe you already have, maybe you're just a fighter. But I'm sorry, I am not. I am weak in many ways, I want the pain to stop and his is the only way to end it. When I heard that I jumped off a bridge, at first I couldn't believe it, but now I finally understand. A person can only feel so much pain, so much hurt before they completely go numb. Numb, feeling no emotions. But you must know, I went out of this world feeling many emotions. Sadness, fear, hate, hate towards the world, hates towards myself. Losing my memory only fueled the flame of hatred. But it's okay, you'll go on living and you'll forget about me. The pain will fade, maybe even soon and you'll feel better. I'm not someone to cry over. Please, give my letter to Andy, he needs to hear the final words I have for him. Just know Brandon that till the end, I loved you. Please don't blame yourself, you are not the reason for me leaving. Goodbye, may we meet again.....

I write the letter, a few tears falling onto the lined paper. I fold the paper with shaky hands and and write his name in Big letters on the front. I put that one to the side and get another piece of paper.

Dear Andy,

Life is a beautiful thing, just not for me. Losing my memory has ripped me apart, mainly because I can't remember you. I wonder if I truly loved you, but I know I didn't. It's not possible. I was wrong when I told you I hate you, I do not hate you, I was just angry at you for not trying. I don't even know you and I fell in love with you in seconds...and you left....I feel lost without you. You filled a hole in my heart that needed to be filled. You gave me the attention that deep down I wanted all along. That little attention you paid me felt good, but when you left me it felt like the hole was back. But this time it was bigger, hurting my heart worse than before. Please don't think i am blaming you, I am not. I just can't take a lot of pain, I am not a fighter. I am weak and this is my only escape. I hope you will understand, I promise to remember you, even when I'm gone. Please, take care of Amy. She is such a sweet girl with a lot to give. And please, whether you care about my death or not, take care of yourself. Please, please don't blame yourself you've done nothing to provoke this. Goodbye Andrew,
I Love you....

I sigh and fold that one also. I write his name across the front and kiss it. I stand up and go into my attached bathroom. I look around my cabinet, I have nothing that would harm me, but I think my mom has some antidepressants....I walk out of my room, shutting the door behind me. I walk down the stairs quietly, Brandon is sitting on the couch watching some television show. He looks up and turns the TV off. He sits up and motions for me to sit beside me. Well, if I'm about to kill myself, I should at least spend some time with him.

"Are you okay?" He asks turning to me. I haven't talked to him in the last two days, I haven't even came out of my room. I shrug my shoulders and shake my head. I've learned that I can't lie to Brandon, it's impossible. He sighs and gives me a sad look. "I'm sorry..." He mumbles. I shake my head, "No, it's okay. I think I'm starting to feel better." I say. He smiles weakly. "Well, do you want to watch a movie?" He asks. I shake my head, "No, I was just coming down here to get some water, I'm going to take a nap. Maybe later..." I say standing back up. His shoulders droop and he lays back into the couch. I walk down the little hallway and into the kitchen. I grab a glass and fill it with water.

I go back into the hallway and crack open my mom's door, making sure Brandon doesn't hear. I poke my head in, my mom is passed out on her bed, a half empty beer bottle in her hand. I push the door open a little further. I slowly step in, trying to avoid stepping on any cans or bottles. I make my way into her bathroom. Clothes are everywhere, makeup, brushes, used tissues and even a few of empty beer bottles are sprawled across the counter. A bottle of pills are spilled. the pills everywhere. I open the cabinet door and look into it. There are at least fifteen or more pill bottles. I look through them, not trying to be too loud. I find a bottle of antidepressants and put it in my jacket pocket. I also find a bottle of Ambien, pills that help you sleep. I put those in my other pocket and shut the cabinet drawer. I sneak back out of my mom's room, shutting the door behind me.

I walk back down the hallway and into the living room. Brandon's gaze turns to me. "Umm, Brandon?" I question. He looks at me. "Yes?" He asks. "I..umm..." i try to find the words. "I just wanted to let you know. I love you." I say, smiling, a real smile. He gives me a questioning look. "Why are you telling me that?" He asks furrowing his eyebrow. I swallow, he knows somethings up. Maybe if I lie, he'll believe it. "I just wanted to tell you that I love you." I shrug, walking towards the stairs. "I love you too..." He says hesitantly. I quickly make my way up the stairs, I have to make this quick. I go into my room and shut the door, locking it

I put the two notes on my bed and grab my razor. This is it, I'm going to do this. I go into the bathroom and turn on the water, I make sure it's warm but no too hot. I let it fill the bathtub. I pull out the pills and strip down to my bra and underwear. I turn off the water and step in. The water comes up to my knees. I slowly sit down, letting the water surround me. The water comes up to my neck. I open the pill bottles, and set them on the floor beside the tub. I grab the razor and make a cut, trying to make it deep. It stings as I drag it across my wrist. The dark blood drips from the cut and into the clear liquid, making it a pink color. I make another cut and another. I do it a few more times and then move on to my right wrist, i cut it a few times and then drop the bloody razor drop beside the tub. Blood falls from my eyes, dripping slowly making the water turn darker and darker with each droplet.

I reach over and grab the antidepressants, I pour a little in my hand and then a little bit of the Ambien in the same hand. I put the bottle back down, my stinging arm shaking so bad that they spill over. Oops. I bring my hand full of pills to my mouth and stare down at the little pills. I hear a knock on my door. "Jessica, is everything okay?" Brandon asks, I don't answer. He must have tried to turn the knob because he knocks louder. "Jessica? Jessica, open the door. Let me in. What are you doing?" I continue to stare at the pills. "I love you Brandon. I love you, don't forget that. Okay? Don't forget it....Goodbye." I call out.

I listen as his body slams into the door. I take a shaky breath, my palms start to sweat. What will happen after I'm gone? Will there be a God? A Devil? Will I go to Heaven or Hell? Or will it just be blackness, gone forever. No more feelings, no more anything. "Do it. Now." The girl whispers and I smile. This is it...

Notes