t took Fawn 3 hours, a wound in my foot, two big breakdowns in Fawns arms and 23 blocks to get me back to the apartment. and when i finally came back, Ashley was nowhere to be found an i didn't say a word to anyone. silently i let Jinxx take care of my foot and without saying a thing i went to bed, it took another 2 hours till Ashley sneaked into my room and laid down next to me, his arms around me, just like he did 15 years ago,
and like it was 15 years ago, we cried.
we cried like the day our mother died,
the day his father died,
the day my father came back with his face ripped open, blood all over his face, 16 years ago.
for the first time in 15 years, we both let the tears all out.
and with his arms around me, our hands locked together, we fell asleep crying, exactly like we did 15 years ago.

---

*December 4 2010*

five weeks went by til we were in Belfast, five weeks we didn't spoke a word about it. five weeks, and the band stil had no clue what exactly happend between us, but where not curious enough to ask, to scared one of us would lose al our sanity. but i meant it when i said it, i would go to SamBel. so on the day after the concert, when the boys were all passed out, i walked out of the hotel we got for the two days we would stay here and got the bus to the clubhouse of Sons of Anarchy Belfast, the only link i still had with Jimmy O’Phelan.
“Raven, what are you doing here?” Andy sneaked up behind me, and i made a little jump.
“you mean, what are you doing here” i said a little angry cause he followed me.
“preventing you from doing stupid things” he said with a little proud smile.
“ashole”
“look i don’t know what happend between you and that guy, but Ashley was kinda clear he didn’t want this”
“to bad i’m not that good a listener”
“Raven”
“Andy just go back to the hotel”
“no”
“Andy this is not your battle”
“but you’re my friend”
“we barely spoke the last 5 weeks!” i raised my voice a little, besides the fact that every band member was walking on their toes about Belfast, Andy and i, kinda ignored each other. after everything that happend, he avoided me, and i started to avoid him. ignoring the pain it gave me.
“i still care about you”
“so what?”
“that makes it my battle” the way he said it made me stop, it kind of touches me that he followed me out here, no idea whats going on.
“Andy, there are a lot of things you don’t know about me, and it’s better that you don’t know them, this is one of them” it was so much better for him if he just stopped there, if he just went back to the hotel, got back to bed, and forget all about this, but he didn’t, of course he didn’t.
“i won’t let you do this alone” he almost whispered this words, while he rested his hands on my shoulders and looked me deep in my eyes.
“you don’t even know what this is”
“i know this is about the dead of your mother” know he did whisper.
“what do you know about that?”
“that it wasn't a car accident, like you and Ashley told us”
“than you’re right” and i walked away from him, straight to the clubhouse around the corner. with andy right behind me.
and as soon as i walked on the territory of SamBel is started screaming. screaming til every member stood before me, screaming til Keith stood before me.
“were is he?” i had no bad blood with SamBel, but i know they where the line between the IRA and SamCro.
“Branan, what are you doing here?”
“what do you think”
“is Chibs here also?”
“how about you answer my question”
“you know you’re not suppose to be here”
“i don’t care, i need to see him”
“Little Branan” i recognised his voice immediately, the voice i heard in my nightmare’s for 15 years.
“O’phelan” i turned around to see him standing right besides Andy, one of his hand rested on Andy shoulder.
“and who is this young man?”
“Don’t you touch him” i cursed myself for the fear in my voice.
“what are you doing here?” he always sounded that calm, but that was one of the things that scared me.
“getting answers”

“i don’t know what you want me to say, what is it that i can answer after all those years”

Notes