Bullets in a Music Box

Everything inside of me hurt, emotionally, mentally, physically. Andy’s fist was still connected with the wall and he was facing away from me. Tears were streaming down my face quickly and I bit the inside of my lip. I told him, and that took a lot of courage on my part. I climbed off the bed and walked over to him, not that it would help at all.

“Andy-” I started but was cut off.

“No, you don’t get to talk right now,” he said and then looked me in the eye. “Why?”

“I was drunk Andy, I don’t know,” I said stared into his eyes, but they weren’t the normal Andy eyes I know, these ones were kind of terrifying.

“That does not excuse you fucking another man,” he said. He pushed past me and sat down on the chair. I watched him carefully.

“Please Andy,” I started but the tears stopped me.

“No. After every damn thing we’ve gone through. Why in the hell did you do it? And don’t even say because you were drunk because we both know that is not true,” he asked.

“I don’t know. If I were coherent and understood what was happening, you know full well that I would have stopped him,” I said.

“That doesn’t mean shit Sadee,” he said.

“It doesn’t mean shit? Do you understand how much this whole fucking situation is tearing me apart? Cause it is. I have mentally battled myself for the last four days. Don’t even say that it doesn’t mean shit because it does! I blacked out! I don’t remember shit after the party,” I screamed and he got off the couch and got in my face.

“I don’t care that you blacked out, you still did it,” he said.

“Oh my God, you aren’t fucking getting it! When a person blacks out, they don’t know what the fuck they are doing! I don’t remember anything that happened so please don’t say that. Cause you know what happens when a person blacks out!” I screamed and he crossed his arms.

“I know what happens and what is means when a person blacks out Sadee. It’s happened to me before. I don’t care that you blacked out. It still fucking happened, and even if you were blacked out, you could still have made the decision to not fuck Jackson,” He asked.

“How could I have made that decision when I was too fucking drunk to function?” I asked and he looked at me.

“Just because a person is drunk doesn’t mean that all reasoning is gone Sadee. And when a person is drunk, their brain filter is gone and they do what they mean to do. That is why this is such a bad thing Sadee,” he told me and I sighed.

“You know I love you, and only you. I don’t even have any sort of feelings for Jackson, at all. He’s an asshole and I don’t like him,” I said.

“That’s not an excuse Sadee,” he sat back down on the chair and put his head in his hands.

“How many times am I going to have to say sorry?” I asked.

“There isn’t a big enough number for that. And just because you say sorry doesn’t mean I’m going to forgive you,” he said. I sighed, again, and sat down on the bed.

“What does this mean for us?” I asked.

“I don’t know, why?” He asked.

“Because I’m scared that you are going to leave me,” I said.

“I should leave you,” he said. My head shot up and I stared at him.

“What? How the fuck can you say that?” My heart dropped to my stomach.

“You hurt me Sadee. Hurt me enough that I’m considering leaving you and never talking to you again. But I’m not going to,” he said.

“I know I hurt you Andy. I’m sorry, I just, I fucked up,” I said. My body limped and I stared at my hands.

“Yes you did. And I still want to know why it happened,” he said. I looked back up at him and gave him a look.

“Seriously? Dammit Andy! I told you I have no fucking clue why I did it. It happened. I feel terrible. I only know it happened because when I fucking woke up, I was lying in the same bed as him, naked. As I’ve already told you!” I yelled at him. I stood up and got in his face, or as best as I could.

“I just don’t get how the fuck you could do this after all the shit we’ve gone through. Every damn thing that has happened, and now this?” He asked, he was fuming with hatred and I saw the tears fall down his face. He had gone from calmer to pissed again in a split second.

“Andy, I,” I started but had to stop because of the tears streaming down my face.

“What you did was worse than what Juliet did, you know that right? She accused me of cheating on her with you, and now you go and cheat on me with a coworker?” he asked. I closed my eyes and let the tears fall.

“I thought you loved me. After the shit we’ve been through, you do this?” he said.

“How many times do I have to say that I feel terrible. The guilt is eating me alive Andy. Please, I know you can’t forget, but please, don’t, be this mad at me,” I said. He scoffed and got off the chair.

“You’re right, I can’t just forget, and I sure as hell am not going to forgive. I love you Sadee, I do with all my heart. But I can’t love someone who whored around with a band mate. Especially not on my tour. You don’t even understand how hurt I am by this, you can’t possibly understand,” he looked me in the eye and when I saw his blue eyes, I lost it.

“I can’t understand? My ex boyfriend cheated on me! I was hurt, you saw it. I am still pissed at Colton, so yes, I do understand how hurt you are,” I snapped.

“Doubtful because I’m pretty sure I love you ten times more than you ever loved Colton,” he rebutted and put his hands behind his head.

“While that is probably true, I was still hurt. I do have an inclination on what you’re feeling, which is why I feel like absolute shit right now,” I said.

“Good,” he muttered.

“Please Andy. You’re all I have, and I fucked up. Don’t walk away from us,” I cried.

“I never said I was going to walk away. Not once did that leave my mouth. And you’re right, you did fuck up, badly,” he turned from me and paced the room again. My heart was aching, my stomach hurt, and all of my muscles were screaming at me. He walked away from me and grabbed his coat from the hook.

“Where’re you going?” I asked through my tears.

“Somewhere to think. I can’t even stand being in the same room as you,” he left the room and slammed the door behind him. I collapsed onto the bed, tears streaming down my face. I let out a loud scream and hit the bed multiple times.

“I’m fucking sorry!” I screamed and cried into the bed. After a while, I got up and I grabbed random shit from the top of the dresser and threw it around the room. I threw the remote, smashed it against the wall. I threw the candy dish, shattered it on the wall, glass flying everywhere. The lamp that was on the table, I picked it up and threw it at the opposite wall, sparks and glass flying everywhere. Then I just hit the wall, and kept hitting it while screaming and cursing at myself. Hit after hit, I watched as more and more blood left my hand and stayed on the wall. After what seemed like forever, I slid down the wall and melted into a puddle of tears. My knuckles were bloody, my hand hurt, and there was a hole in the wall. I heard the door to the room open and then heard multiple voices. Then I felt arms around me.

“Sadee, what the fuck happened?” I heard Ashley ask. I couldn’t talk, the tears just fell and I kept sobbing.

“Can someone get a wash rag or something?” Ashley asked. Someone ran into the bathroom.

“Sadee?” I heard Zara ask. I looked at her and let out another loud sob. Then I looked behind her and saw Jackson.

“Get the fuck out of here!” I screamed at him and he gave me a confused look. Of course he’s confused, that asshole.

“Andy fucking found out!” I yelled and his face dropped. Serves him right.

“How?” Jackson breathed. I breathed heavily and stared at him.

“I fucking told him you dipshit,” I said. Jackson stared at me and held his jaw open.

“What did Andy find out?” Ashley asked. He was confused and I don’t know if I should tell him. No, I do, Ashley is a friend, he might not forgive me, and he’ll probably take Andy’s side, but he needs to know as well, before a drunk Andy tells him. I looked at him but let out another sob.

“That I cheated on him,” I said quietly and the entire room got silent. I heard someone stand and walk away from me.

“Wow,” Ashley muttered and he took a step away. I watched him put space between us. I hurt his friend, I understand. Jackson turned from us and left the room. Good, I don’t want to see him right now, or ever again.

“I hate myself so much. I was drunk, I don’t know what happened, or why. But I don’t want to lose him Ash,” I cried. Ashley shrugged and crossed his arms.

“You might’ve,” Ashley said.

“No, I can’t,” I tried to make a sentence but it came out not making any sense. Nothing was making sense in my head, thousands of thoughts all entered and crashed into each other. It was terrifying. I felt someone’s arms on my shoulders and when I looked up I saw Zara.

“Come on, let’s sit you on the chair,” she helped me up and sat me down in the chair.

“How long ago did he leave?” She asked. I shrugged and looked at my hands. I honestly have no idea.

“I don’t know. We were fighting, and then he left. Zara, I can’t lost him. I just can’t. He’s all I have,” I cried and he nodded before wrapping his arms around me. The door opened and in walked Jon, Callum, and CC.

“I got ahold of Andy, he’s at a bar right now, Ashley, you and CC better make sure he gets back here safely. Callum and Zara will help Sadee,” Jon said. Zara kept her arms around me and rubbed my back.

“I fucked up. What if he never forgives me,” I said. Zara pulled away from me.

“Andy loves you Sadee, he’ll figure it out. Just give him some space,” Zara said.

“He called me a whore. He’s never called me a name before. What’s gonna happen?” I asked. Zara looked up at Callum and they shared a look.

“He needs space apart from you, give him that and he might come around,” Callum said.

“Well, you can come shack up in my room with me, CC won’t mind. Then, for the bus, isn’t there a really comfortable couch thing in the back room?” She asked. I nodded and she smiled.

“I know it sounds shitty, but, you could sleep there for a bit,” she said.

“What if I lose him? What if he never forgives me?” I said.

“It’ll take him a while, he’s a hard headed, stubborn guy, but he’ll eventually forgive you. Like Zara said, he loves you Sadee, he might be pissed now, but he’s probably more pissed at Jackson,” Callum said.

“No, he’s pissed at me. He said what I did was worse than what Juliet did,” I said.

“Oh shit, he is pissed,” Zara said. I shook my head.

“But when I suggested that he was just going to walk away from us, he said he wasn’t,” I said and then looked down at my bloody hand. “You know, I am terrified of being alone.”

“What do you mean? You aren’t alone,” Zara said.

“Andy has been there for me for almost a year now. I’ve gone through so much shit the last year, and Andy has always been there,” I started to cry again. “And, and, now I don’t have him with me.”

“Oh Sadee,” Callum said as he wrapped his arms around me. I cried into his shoulder and everything inside of me broke in that moment. I never realized how much I actually need Andy in my life. He is my everything. But I fucked it all up. I don’t even remember doing anything, hell I blacked out at around one in the morning.

The sound of the door opening tore me from my thoughts. Ronnie walked into the room and I just sat there crying. I watched as Ronnie tapped Callum on the shoulder and then Ronnie wrapped his arms around me.

“You’ll be okay,” he whispered.

“No I won’t. I’m gonna lose him. I can’t lose him Ronnie,” I said through sobs.

“You aren’t gonna lose him. I was just talking to him he’s really pissed right now. He won’t talk to many people,” he said.

“What am I going to do?,” I looked at Ronnie and he looked at me.

“Well, right now you just need to try and forgive yourself, that’s the first thing, and after that, try and think of what Andy is feeling right now. Yes I know you were cheated on and all tha shit, but this is a little different,” he answered me and I let out a groan.

“It’s different yeah, but what Colton did to me was worse! I was with Colton for two years and he cheated on me, got a girl pregnant and expected me to be okay with it. I cheated on Andy and took four days to tell him. I’m not pregnant and I’m not expecting him to be okay with it,” I said.

“Either way, he’s hurting a lot right now. More than you can understand. When a guys girl cheats on him, and he loves her, it’s a hit right in the heart,” he said.

“I know,” I muttered.

“I’m pretty sure Andy asked this a lot, but why?” He asked.

“I blacked out. That’s why,” I said.

“Well, he’s not going to stay in here tonight. He’s gonna crash in Ashley’s room,” he said.

“No, I need to talk to him. I don’t care if he’s drunk. I need to talk to him,” I said.

“I don’t think that’s the best of ideas Sadee. Give him a little time to think. We have a show tomorrow night and he needs to be okay enough to perform, and as of right now he isn’t. And if you talk to him, he most definitely won’t be,” Ronnie told me. My shoulders dropped and my body basically became limp. Ronnie got up and left the room. Callum tried to hug me but I shrugged him off.

“Can I please just be alone?” I asked. They nodded and left the room. My entire being was numb. I curled myself up into the chair and hugged my knees. The tears started shortly after and I just sat still.


Andy’s Point of View

Everywhere in my body was warm, it might have been the alcohol, but I was pissed. Hell I was beyond pissed. How the fuck could she do that to me? We have been through way too much shit for this to even be remotely okay. I looked at the shot in front of me for a second before downing it quickly. She has to know how I feel. No she’s probably beating herself up right now. Serves her right. What the fuck? Why would I think that? A hand on my shoulder made me look up to see Ashley and CC.

“I don’t give a shit,” I said after Ashley gave me a look.

“Andy, she’s in a bad place right now,” he said.

“I don’t care right now. I’m pissed at her. She told you what she did, right?” I asked him and he nodded as he sat down, CC on my other side.

“Andy, she’s scared of losing you,” Ashley said. Serves the bitch right. I’m not leaving her, but she deserves to feel a little scared.

“She won’t,” I said.

“Then why are you doing this?” CC asked.

“Because, I can’t be in the same room as her without wanted to yell and cry, at the same time,” I said to him.

“Well, drinking your problems away won’t help anything. Let’s head back to the hotel and talk there,” Ashley said. I looked at him and sighed. He’s right. I climbed off the chair and followed him out of the bar and to the hotel. When we got to the room, I sat down on the chair, but I fell partway down and started laughing.

“When did you find out?” Ashley asked.

“When we got here. She told me in the hotel room,” I told him and he nodded.

“What are you gonna do?” Ashley asked me and I looked at him for a second. That is a good question. I don’t know.

“I don’t know,” I said quietly and Ashley sighed. Then it felt like a wall hit me and tears just started streaming down my face. My whole body began to shake and I clenched my fists.

“Are you okay?” Ashley asked.

“No, I’m not,” I said and got off the chair and left the room. I don’t know where I’m going, but I can’t be here right now.

Notes

And there you guys go!!! I worked hard on this chapter, I rewrote it like three times. That was my fault for deciding to prewrite this, then write the previous chapters after I wrote this one and change things. I made my life difficult. But I hope you like it. Originally Sadee was supposed to be crying and super emotional, but then I thought, she should yell back at Andy, so she did. :3 But, yes. Um, shitstorm part two, as I'm calling it, will come out tomorrow! The Kerrang! Awards chapter will come out on like Friday or something like that.

I WANT TO REMIND ALL OF YOU THAT ANY AND SADEE ARE NOT GOING TO BREAK UP. THEY ARE JUST TAKING A BREAK. WHICH YOU WILL FIND OUT IN THE NEXT CHAPTER.

Question Time: What should happen when they go to Ottawa? Obviously Sadee is gonna be super sad and shit, but should I make her extremely depressed? Or not? Give me your thoughts.

SMILES! (As Always)